Quack Experimental Fusion Kaolla Saga
by Yami Goku
Summary: The exploits of the the top secret ideological organization of HINATA, and one of its hyperactive loudmouthed agents...
1. Ken Akamatsu Assassination Plot

Welcome, my friends, to the show that never ends. Actually, it will end eventually, but not for a while. This fanfic series will be a highly experimental fusion fanfic, combining two Anime series that seemingly have very little in common! This fusion shall be a combination of two of my favorite Animes: Love Hina and Excel Saga!

waits for peals of laughter to die down

Hey hey hey! Don't start laughing yet! It hasn't started yet!

Love Hina belongs to Ken Akamatsu.

Excel Saga belongs to Koshi Rikdo.

NOTE: This is a revision of the first six episodes. I've changed some stuff, including the characters. Enjoy!

YAMI GOKU FQX

presents...

A piece of paper unscrolls, revealing a handwritten letter by "Love Hina" creator Ken Akamatsu.

KEN AKAMATSU: "I, Ken Akamatsu, do hereby pledge that in the event my masterpiece 'Love Hina' is turned into a lame fusion fanfic with Koshi Rikdo's 'experimental Anime' entitled 'Excel Saga' by the fanfic writer 'Yami Goku', I shall grant the aforementioned 'Yami Goku' full power over my characters, and I shall not whine, moan, bitch, or complain if I do not like what he writes about them."

(STAMP!) KEN AKAMATSU

Cue Opening Theme, "Love (Loyalty)."

A shot of Kaolla does a 360, then Kaolla falls into Keitarazzo's trap hole. Shortly before the title screen, she emerges with a squid on her head.

QUACK EXPERIMENTAL FUSION

K A O L L A S A G A

A Love Hina/Excel Saga Fusion FanFic by Yami Goku

Episode One: Ken Akamatsu Assassination Plot

Kaolla makes several funny faces at the screen.

Kaolla and Mutsumi are lip-syncing to the OT, which is actually being sung by the Excel Girls.

Sore wa ai ja nai... (cough cough) "That isn't love..."

Ai wa sore ja nai... (cough cough) "Love isn't that..."

The girls are singing on a sidewalk.

Aishite iru kedo ai sarete wa inai. "I am in love, but I am not loved."

Several shots that include Mutsumi looking at you, looking the other way, collapsing, and laying on a couch soused to the gills.

Kesshite ai ja nai... (cough cough) "Definitely isn't love..."

Ketsu wa ai ja nai... (cough cough) "Derriere isn't love..."

The girls are singing within the locker room of a men's public bath.

Aisaretai kedo motometari wa shinai. "I want to be loved, but I never seek it out."

Several shots of Tama in different poses, then when Tama sees Kaolla wielding a fork and knife, she acts terrified and withdraws into her shell.

Kono mi sasagete inochi nagedashi. "I offer myself, and throw my life away."

Mutsumi floating in the water.

Wakime mo furazu tada hitasura ni "Looking neither left nor right, I will just earnestly"

Kaolla tries to run off, but two hands restrain her.

Dameshite sukashite yokohairi "Cheat, wheedle, interfere,"

Negi attempting to "initiate a perpetual contract" with Mutsumi, but a giant tentacle snatches him away. Then, three Mutsumi heads appear on the screen, each one a little closer than the last.

Tanin wo fumitaoshi keri wo kamashite! "And trample down and kick strangers!"

Kaolla kicking Negi, Iwatani, and Shiraiyoshi clean into next week!

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) "And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"

Kaolla and Mutsumi running down a long road, with Tama flying along the path.

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) "And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"

(Land)Lord Keitarazzo joins the three. He trips on his cape as he runs, and falls down.

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) "And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"

Kitsune is running across a bridge with a bunch of Liddos.

Tonzora koite...! "And we get the Hell out...!"

Yami Goku and Ken Akamatsu running from the Feds through a tunnel, then off into the sunset.

Banana no kawa de korondemo "Even if I slip on a banana peel,"

Kaolla hanging upside-down from a tree eating a banana, while Mutsumi has slipped on several of Kaolla's banana peels, and is now unconscious on the ground.

Sore wa subete ano kata no tame. "It's all for his sake, anyways."

A giant tiger-like monster that bears a resemblance to Byakko from "Yu Yu Hakusho" pops up in front of Kaolla and Mutsumi, and the two girls assume a fighting pose. Keitarazzo is watching from the background, cowering in fear.

Shiite iu nara sore wa kitto "If anything, that is probably"

Seta being dragged from his bed by The Great Naru of The Macrocosm.

Ai to iu na no chuuseishin! "A kind of loyalty called love!"

Kaolla and Mutsumi in (Land)Lord Keitarazzo's throne room, saluting him.

It was such a cold summer's day for the 30th Graduation Ceremony at Kamenabe Junior High School in the city and prefecture of H. And we all know damn well what a graduation ceremony means...SUMMER VACATION! Unfortunately, summer vacation isn't what this story is about. This is a story...about a whale...No, wait! This is a story about a girl! A girl named Kaolla Kaolla, a hyperactive, loudmouthed 14-year-old attending Kamenabe.

Excited that school's out for the summer, Kaolla bounded out of the schoolbuilding, being to give each of her schoolmates a good whack with her schoolbag while singing in a very loud voice.

"o/ HINATA! (whack) HINATA! (whack) HINATA! (whack) HINATA! (whack) HINATA! (whack whack ka-whack whack-splat) o/" sang Kaolla as she ran away from the school, beaning students with her hefty schoolbag, not aware that her schoolbag contained painful sharp corners.

As Kaolla pranced out of the school's property and into the bustling metropolis of H, she did not notice a young boy, who was chasing a toy ball into the street at rush hour. Kaolla kept on dancing absentmindly towards the street, singing her bizarre song.

"o/ HINATA! HALLELUJAH! HARE KRISHNA! HARE HARE! KRISHNA KRISHNA! o/"

Kaolla was so absorbed in her "singing," she did not notice a young man noticing the young boy chasing the toy ball head into the street!

"HEY! WATCH OUT, KID!" shouted the young pompaded boy in a green school uniform.

"NO, YOU WATCH OUT, KID!" screeched Kaolla as she kicked the young man out of the way, who was just about to run into the street after the young boy chasing the toy ball.

Kaolla did not see the car coming, and neither did the young boy... ... ...

(CRASH!)

... ... ...The boy escaped safely, but alas, Kaolla did not... ...! sniff

"OH, KAMI-SAMA! WHAT HAVE I DONE!"

"YOU HIT HER WITH YOUR FRIKKIN' CAR, THAT'S WHAT!"

"SOMEONE CALL 911!"

"o/ 9-1-1! o/"

"o/ 9-1-1! o/"

"o/ 9-1-1! o/"

"NINE-ONE-ONE!"

"Ha ha! Very funny! Get serious!"

"Can I poke her with a stick?"

"sigh Oh, all right."

The voice of the people hurdled around Kaolla's barely-breathing, injured form murmured with worry and regret as the Ecnalubma pulled up to the scene of the accident, and paramedics tasered their way into the crowd. But before the paramedics could put the dying girl on the stretcher, they noticed that she had scrawed the letters "HIN" in the dust by the roadside. Shrugging, the paramedics threw her onto the stretcher, and tossed her into the Ecnalubma. They drove off.

As the Ecnalubma cruised on down the road, the paramedics desperately struggled to keep Kaolla from dying.

"COME ON! DON'T DIE, GODDAMMIT! LIVE! LIVE! LIIIIVVE!" screamed Paramedic #1 as he furiously pounded on Kaolla's chest, causing Kaolla to flop up and down.

"Uh, sumimasen, Paramedic #1, but I think that we're supposed to actually help dying or injured victims, not just pound on their chests like that. Besides, we're too late to do anything now. Look, her eyes are rolling back," pointed out Paramedic #2.

Her pulse slowing to a halt, Kaolla glanced her eyes Heavenward, and uttered one last word...

"Rosebuuuuuud...!"

No, wait. What she actually uttered were two last words...

"Hail...Kei-Keitarazzo...!"

After that last word, accompanied by the death rattle, both paramedics futiley struggled like mad, pounding on her chest really hard.

"IYAAAAAA! DON'T DIE! DON'T CROSS OVER! ONEGAAAAAAIIII...!"

Up in the sky, many kilometers up in deep space, Kaolla's ghost was watching the Ecnalubma carrying her corpse towards the river for dumping. Suddenly, she noticed a young woman dressed in flowing white robes, with two antennae sprouting from her light brown hair.

"Don't be afraid, Kaolla. I am the Great Naru of the Macrocosm," spoke the girl, "That was no death for a girl like you."

"Tell me about it!" exclaimed Kaolla.

"Using my divine and mystical powers, I shall reset this fanfic, restoring everything back to the way it was!" spoke the Great Naru of the Macrocosm as she unleashed her power...

(boink!)

Kaolla found herself standing within the Landlord's Office (or the "throne room") of the mighty (Land)Lord Keitarazzo, ruler of the top secret ideological organization of HINATA.

"Pretty lousy reset," remarked (Land)Lord Keitarazzo, a man wearing a pail on his head, and a purple blanket as a cape.

"Gomen nasai!" a sheepish Great Naru apologized as she ran off.

Kaolla immediately snapped to attention, and saluted. "HAIL KEITARAZZO!"

Keitarazzo rose from his pillow at the end of the table (his "throne"), and began to address his new agent. "Kaolla, this world is corrupt!"

However, Kaolla wasn't listening. She was leaping around like a nitwit. "WOO-HOO! LORD KEITARAZZO! LORD KEITARAZZO! WOO-HOO-HOOOOOOOO...!"

Keitarazzo pushed a button, causing a velvet purple rope to drop down from the ceiling. Kaolla stopped clowning around and noticed it. "What's that rope do?"

"sigh Never mind...!" said Keitarazzo as the rope disappeared. "Anyway, as I was saying, this world is corrupt! And since it's corrupt, it needs order! And gosh darn it, I--!"

Keitarazzo was interrupted by Kaolla continuing to act like a total moron. "LORD KEITARAZZO! WHATTA MAN! WHATTA MAN! WHOOOOOOOOO! o/ K-A-T-R-A-Z-O! THAT IS HOW YOU SPELL--!"

"AAAAAAAAAHHH! GET OFF ME! GET HER OFF ME! WAAAAAGGHH!" screamed Keitarazzo as Kaolla latched onto him, and refused to let go!

(boink!)

The Great Naru of the Macrocosm restored the natural order.

"As I was saying, this world needs a leader!" said Keitarazzo as a giant globe dropped from the ceiling. "But taking over this entire world will be hard! So, we shall start by taking over just one city! This city! Yeah, the city of H! That seems pretty reasonable, ne? Now the first step shall be total conquest!"

Kaolla was excited. "TOTAL CONQUEST!" she shouted as she got starry-eyed. "OH, THAT'S BRILLIANT, KEITARAZZO! I'LL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES! NOR RAIN, NOR SLEET, NOR DEAD OF NIGHT, NOR NAUSEA, NOR ASKING ME TO STRIP DOWN!" Kaolla, in a cloud of lust, dove towards Keitarazzo. "OH, SWEET KEITARAZZO-SAMA! TAKE ME NOW...!"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! GET KAOLLA OFF OF MEEEEEEEE!" screamed Keitarazzo as he ran about the room, trying to shake Kaolla off of him.

(boink!)

The Great Naru of the Macrocosm restored the natural order.

"Please don't do that!" asked a shaken Keitarazzo.

"I won't, sir!" promised Kaolla.

"Now, Kaolla, what are these?" asked Keitarazzo as he held out three graphic novels, which could easily be recognized as the the first three volumes in the "Love Hina" Manga series.

"Uh...They look like Manga paperbacks, Keitarazzo!" responded Kaolla.

"That's right! In my world of the future, we'll have no use for garbage like this!" said Keitarazzo as he tossed the GNs out the window. "So, your mission is to obliterate every Manga-ka in existance! Your first target shall be...this guy!"

Keitarazzo held up an image of a Japanese man that looked like a taller, more mature version of Keitarazzo. The picture was captioned "Ken Akamatsu (Manga-ka)."

"Kill that guy! Right away, sir!" smiled Kaolla.

As Kaolla walked the streets of H seeking out her target, she sang a little song...

"o/ OBLITERATE! EXTERMINATE! 'CUZ KEITARAZZO TOLD ME SO! GONNA KILL A MANGA-KA! GOTTA KILL KEN AKAMATSU! o/ o/"

Branding a giant, high-tech bazooka that she had crafted herself, Kaolla kept on walking. "I KNOW THAT YOU'RE SOMEWHERE, MR. MANGA-KA!" she said as she found an apartment building, and walked up the stairs. She found a door marked "Ken Akamatsu," and opened the door, which was unlocked. "It's showtime!"

Crawling stealthily along the floor, Kaolla looked around at all the bizarre crap that Mr. Akamatsu had collected. It was pretty much all Anime merchandise, mostly featuring pretty Anime girls.

"Hmmm...Anime paraphenilia! The target is really close!" whispered Kaolla as she crawled closer to the other end of the room.

Hearing someone in the room at the other end, Kaolla opened the door and peeked in...

Manga-ka Ken Akamatsu was at his desk, doodling the "Love Hina" characters for no reason.

"o/ Tra la la la la la la la la la la la la! Manga-ka are the scum of society! They have no life, and some of them smell funny! They're nothing but baka losers who can hardly make ends meet! Shoobie-doobie-do-wop-wop-wop-wop-yeah! o/ o/" sang Ken as he worked on another one of those "You can almost see everything!" hot springs scenes that you only can get in the original Manga, trying hard not to get a woody.

"Bingo!" whispered Kaolla as she found her target, peeking through the crack in the door. Kaolla opened up the door, and started tiptoeing towards Ken, bazooka armed. Unaware that he was about to meet an untimely demise, Ken kept on drawing.

"It's time to put you away, Akamatsu-sensei...!" growled Kaolla as she prepared to attack. But before she could fire, she noticed the picture at the head of Ken's desk. They were pictures of...a wife and kids! Ken Akamatsu was a family man! If Kaolla killed Ken, his family would be understandably upset!

"Ohhh...my...!" murmured Kaolla as she started have a conflict with her conscience...

"Don't, Kaolla! You can't take an innocent life, even if (Land)Lord Keitarazzo commands you to!" spoke Good Kaolla, a small fairy with a halo and pink hair.

"Don't leesten to her! KEELL HEEM!" ordered Evil Kaolla, a winged purple demon with a pitchfork and a and a weird Hispanic accent.

Good Kaolla came up to Evil Kaolla, and punched her. "Don't keell heem, Kaolla!" said Good Kaolla, now with an Hispanic accent.

"AAAAAARRRGGHH! MY CONSCIENCE HURTS!" screeched Kaolla as she writhed on the floor. Good Kaolla and Evil Kaolla began to scuffle behind her. Good Kaolla then snapped Evil Kaolla's neck.

"That was mean!" exclaimed Kaolla.

"It was necessary! Now do what's right, Kaolla!" commanded Good Kaolla, without the Hispanic accent.

Ken then noticed Kaolla's presence, and turned around. His eyes wandered all over Kaolla.

"What are you staring at, you perv!" yelled Kaolla.

Ken didn't say anything. He just fell to the floor, terrified.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" screamed the nerdy Manga-ka. "ONEGAI! HAVE MERCY! GO ON! TAKE ALL MY MONEY! sob JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" pleaded Ken.

"Hey, I'm not a robber! I'm here on a mission from (Land)Lord Keitarazzo!" said Kaolla. "I'm sorry that I have to do this, but...it's time for you to die!"

"IIIIIIYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...!" cried Ken as Kaolla began to kill him...

DUE TO THE GRAPHIC NATURE OF THIS SCENE, PLEASE ENJOY THIS HUMOROUS RIFF FROM YAMI GOKU'S MISTING OF DEATHLORD'S "DBGT/TENCHI/YUYUHAKUSO/INYUHASHA"...

(KEN: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! OH, MY GOD! IYAAAAAAAAA!)

Pan: okay what ever.

MIKE: Today, on DBGT/Tenchi/YuYuHakuso/Inyuhasha, the

part of Son Pan shall be played by Madison Taylor.

(BOOOOOM!) (BOOOOOM!) (BOOOOOM!)

(KEN: OH, GOOD LORD! IYAAAAAAAAAA!)

(KAOLLA: Hey! Get back here!)

CROW (as Bra): That's my line, Queen Bitch-toria!

SERVO (as Pan): Up yours, Erin Bra-The-Bitch!

CROW (as Bra): Bite me, Shead Tomboy!

SERVO (as Pan): F you, Useless Flat-Chested Valley Girl!

(BOOOOOM!) (BOOOOOM!) (BOOOOOM!)

(KEN: AAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH! OH, JESUS CHRIST! STOP TRYING TO KILL MEEEEE!)

(KAOLLA: This hurts me more than it hurts you! Stop running around!)

CROW (as Bra): Shut up!

SERVO (as Pan): No, you shut up!

CROW (as Bra): No, you shut up!

SERVO (as Pan): No, you shut up!

CROW (as Bra): No, you shut up!

SERVO (as Pan): No, you shut up!

(BOOOOOM!) (BOOOOOM!) (BOOOOOM!)

(KEN: WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! YAMETEEEEEEEEE! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHH! sob cry choke)

(KAOLLA: Slow down, a'eady!)

MIKE imitates two gunshots

MIKE (as Madison Taylor): Like, why don't you BOTH SHUT UP!

(BOOOOOM!) (BOOOOOM!) (BOOOOOM!) (BOOOOOM!)

(KEN: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH...! croak!)

As Ken Akamatsu's headless corpse slid to the floor, Kaolla knew that her task was complete.

"pant pant I've done it, Keitarazzo-sama! pant pant I've killed Ken Akamatsu...! pant pant Our mission is a success...! pant pant And--"

Kaolla then noticed what Ken was drawing when he suddenly passed away.

"What's this? What was he drawing, anyway...?"

Kaolla picked up the blood-splattered drawing, and looked at one of the characters, a tanned girl with blonde hair and green eyes. Kaolla's face became shocked!

"This...is...m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-ME!"

The Great Naru of the Macrocosm, upon seeing that beloved Manga-ka Ken Akamatsu had been brutally murdered by Kaolla, entered Akamatsu-sensei's apartment, finding a dead Ken and a remorseful Kaolla.

Great Naru was shocked! "OH, MY GOD! YOU'VE KILLED KENNY! YOU BASTARD!"

"I know...! I'm a bastard...!" sighed Kaolla.

"KAOLLA, YOU BAKA GAIJIN! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO KILL THE ORIGINAL MANGA-KA!" shouted Great Naru. "Look, I'm sorry for snapping at you. I'll restore everything again with my divine powers..."

(boink!)

The Great Naru of the Macrocosm restored everything.

Kaolla's destiny suddenly changed, as she found herself as a traffic controller on the road outside a building under construction!

"ME! CONTROL TRAFFIC! YAHOOOO! THIS'LL BE FUN!" shouted Kaolla as she got to work, waving her red lightsaber traffic controlly-thingy around.

"STOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGO!" Kaolla gave too many rapid commands, and she ended up creating a massive pile up.

"Hey! Traffic control girl!" shouted the Foreman in charge of the building under construction.

"Oh, hi, Mr. Foreman! ()" waved Kaolla.

"Did you try my grill out yet? It makes cooking burgers easier!" asked George the Foreman as he walked off.

"Iie, I didn't! I--!" Before Kaolla could finish, she was mowed down by a huge truck!

HEPPOKO

JIKKEN

FYUUJON

K A O R A

S A A G A

musical eyecatch

"Whoah! Are you all right, Part-Time Girl?" asked George the Foreman.

The puddle of blood surrounding Kaolla was re-absorbed, and Kaolla stood back up, still bleeding from the nose. "Of course I'm all right! If I died again, we'd have a lame running gag going on!" Kaolla held up her traffic-controlling thingy. "Well, back to work!"

As soon as George Foreman was gone, Kaolla walked off the job, and into the building under construction.

"Pretty soon, all buildings like this will belong to (Land)Lord Keitarazzo!" declared Kaolla.

"ALL RIGHT, YOU PEOPLE! GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO! KEITARAZZO-SAMA, JUST LOOK AT THE BANG-UP JOB I'M DOING...!"

Back at HINATA HQ, (Land)Lord Keitarazzo was busy reading Newtype, so he really didn't care what Kaolla was up to.

"COME ON! DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE! KEEP DRIVING! KEEP DRIVING! NOTHING TO SEE HERE! MOVE ALONG! KEEP GOING, POOR-QUALITY AMERICAN CAR! YOU IN THE VW BEETLE! GET A BETTER AUTOMOBILE!" directed Kaolla, waving her lightsaber in random directions, causing traffic to go berserk. In just a few seconds, an even bigger pile-up occured, killing many drivers.

"What a traffic jam!" remarked Kaolla. "After the Grand Unification, it would be good to cut down on drivers and poor-quality American cars, too!" noted Kaolla.

Just then, Kaolla noticed one of the workers slacking off high up on a girder. The man looked very depressed. Kaolla went up to him to see what was the matter.

"SETA!" shouted Kaolla.

"KAOLLA-SAN!" shouted Seta. Kaolla and Seta ran towards each other, fists ready for combat. The two tuffled weakly for a few moments, then Kaolla asked Seta a question. "What's wrong, Seta? You look so down! Tell me about it!"

"Well..." began Seta as he held out a photograph of a young, redheaded girl, about 9-10 years old, kicking a soccerball around.

"Who's this?" wonder Kaolla.

"She's Meidora, my daughter," answered Seta.

"So what happened?" asked Kaolla.

"Well...I think I can only tell you what happened using a flashback..."

As Seta spoke, the background turned into a beautiful outdoor landscape out in the mountains, with a quaint cottage in the picture. Kaolla began to watch...

One day in the beautiful landscape in the mountains, Pedroyasu Seta was returning home from an archeological dig, when he was greeted by his daughter Meidora.

"PAPAAAAAAAA!" greeted Meidora as she ran towards Seta, straight into his arms.

"Welcome home, Pedroyasu!" greeted Seta's sexy wife. "It looks like Meidora's happy to see you!"

"Hai! I'm happy to see you, Papa! ()" said Meidora as she continued to hug her father.

As soon as the flashback ended, it was all crystal clear to Kaolla. "Oh, I see. You're homesick, ne?"

"Hai, I am! Seta's been in Japan for two years! And when I think about what is happening to my beautiful daughter and sexy wife, it makes even more homesick!" cried Seta.

Kaolla was outraged! "SETA NO BAKA!" Kaolla kicked and punched Seta hard, until he fell to the girder. Seta got up, bleeding from the forehead. "KAOLLA-SAN! WHY DID YOU BEAT UP SETA!"

"YOU STUPIDHEAD! IF YOUR DAUGHTER LOVES YOU, AND YOUR WIFE IS REALLY SEXY, YOU SHOULD WORK YOURSELF LIKE A DOG FOR THE BOTH OF THEM! WORK YOURSELF UNTIL YOUR BLISTERS HAVE BLISTERS! STOP MOPING OVER THEM! MAKE THEM PROUD!" shouted Kaolla.

Seta was shocked that he did not know that before. "SETA DID NOT KNOW THAT!"

"WELL, IT'S TRUE!" assured Kaolla.

Seta's eyes started watering. "The tears fall from my eyes like waterfalls! I can't thank you enough, Kaolla-san!"

"NOW, GET TO WORK, TIGER!" thundered Kaolla.

"YEAH!" bellowed Seta as he and Kaolla punched their fists together, and his crumbled, causing both of them to lose their balance and go plummeting off the building to the Earth below! It's a good thing that they were wearing protective headgear, because their impact left a big Anime-style crater in the street below.

"WITH A HELMET, YOU'RE ALWAYS SAFE! ()" Kaolla and Seta spoke in unison as they popped out of the crater.

George Foreman looked over at Seta. "Hey, Seta! Gimmie a hand over here!"

"WITH PLEASURE, SIR!" Seta ran over to assist Mr. Foreman. "DOUMO ARIGATOU, KAOLLA-SAN! I NOW HAVE THE COURAGE THAT I NEED! ONCE AGAIN, THE TEARS FLOW LIKE WATERFALLS FROM MY EYES!"

As Seta lifted some pipes, he decided to make a stupid Japanese joke. "You thought that Seta couldn't do all this before breakfast! But he already had his lunch a few hours ago!"

"That was a really funny Japanese wordplay, Seta!" said George. "Tell you what: I'll give you a raise on your paycheck!"

"Really, sir!" said a surprised Seta, dropping his pipes.

"Sure! Just don't tell that Kentarez about it!" nodded George Foreman as he walked off.

Seta looked over at Kentarez, then went back to his joy. "WOO-HOO! SETA DID IT! ONCE AGAIN, DOUMO ARIGATOU, KAOLLA-SAN!"

"YEAH! AND KAOLLA'S GONNA WORK HARD, TOO!" declared Kaolla. But suddenly, she felt something growl in her stomach, and she felt flat on the ground, weak.

"So hungryyyy..." Kaolla snapped out of it, and stood back up. "Iie! If I keep working, I'll have enough for a legitimate meal in just four days! I WON'T GIVE UP, KEITARAZZO-SAMA! TOGETHER, WE'LL LEAD THE WORLD INTO A NEW GOLDEN AGE, MAKING IT BETTER FOR FOLKS LIKE..."

Kaolla looked at couple of passerby. "...THIS GUY! ...THAT BUSINESS-TYPE LADY...!"

Then Kaolla looked up in the air, and noticed a hot springs turtle soaring around in the sky. "...AND THAT...TURTLE-LIKE CREATURE!"

"Myuuhh!" squeaked the turtle-creature.

"ALL OF MANKIND IS BEAUTIFUL, IN ITS OWN WAY!" screeched Kaolla as she started blasting laser beams from her traffic-controlly-thingy.

Unfortunately, she did not see a huge truck coming her way! The truck was being driven by a man who interpreted Kaolla waving her lightsaber-traffic-controlly-thingamabob around wildly as "Keep going." So he did...

"YEEEEAAAHHH! WAHOOOOOOO! YEEEESSSSSSSSS!" Kaolla went crazy with joy, throwing her controlly-doodad around like a glow-in-the-dark baton! The man then noticed that all the other truck drivers were headed straight for him, all converging on one spot: The spot where Kaolla was standing.

"Ohhh, shit!" exclaimed the Truck-Driving Man before all the trucks crashed together in one dazzling explosion of truck fuel. Fortunately, Kaolla danced out of the way, and looked embarassed as everyone stared at her. That's what she got for being in charge of security.

The massive explosion now had the building under construction up in flames! All the workers screamed and panicked to get out before they became deep-fried! Seta would've ran out, but he dropped his photo of Meidora!

"OH-NO! MEIDORA!" screamed Seta as he ran back for his picture.

"SETA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING! YOU'LL BE BURNT TO A CRISP!" shouted Foreman. "NOT AT ALL LIKE MY GRILLS!"

Inside the inferno, Seta was trying to rescue his precious photo from underneath a red-hot fallen girder. "IT'S...SO...HOT...!"

Outside the inferno, everyone was worried about him.

"Oh-nooo! What should I do!" panicked Kaolla.

Good Kaolla materialized beside Kaolla again. "Listen to your heart! Then you'll know what to do to rescue him!"

"I'm listening to my heart, and I'm still drawing a blank!" said Kaolla.

"Well, in that case--" Good Kaolla was interrupted by a pair of handcuffs being administered to her wrists! "WHAT THE--?"

Kaolla looked down, and noticed a police car labeled "Kaolla Police," complete with a little Kaolla Policewoman.

"Good Kaolla, you're under arrest for the murder of Evil Kaolla!" said Kaolla Policewoman as she shoved Good Kaolla into the backseat of her car. The Kaolla Policecar drove off.

Kaolla continued to panic, now noticing that the building was starting to collapse! "Ohh, what should I do! This is all my fault! It's all thanks to my stupid negligence!"

Inside the burning structure, everyone was screaming for Seta to forget about his stupid picture and get out! But Seta wouldn't give up!

Back outside, Kaolla's hunger got the best of her again, and she collapsed, having lost all will to panic!

"Me so hungee...!" moaned Kaolla as her stomach roared.

It was then that the strange turtle-creature landed right next to Kaolla, who noticed it right away.

"Myuh," squeaked the turtle.

"Turtle!" was the only word to escape from Kaolla's lips before gaining enough strength to give chase to the fleeing turtle!

"MYUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHH!" cried the turtle as it flew away from the rampaging hungry girl.

"COME BACK HEEEEERRREE, TAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGO! GET BACK HERE, MEAL!" cried Kaolla as she ran after her dinner.

Back at the burning construction site, Seta had failed to retrieve the photo. But that didn't matter, for now he felt as if he were in a better place...

"Dear, sweet Seta..." spoke the Great Naru of the Macrocosm, "...You've been through so much. But don't worry! I shall send you back home to your loving daughter and your sexy wife, and..."

Great Naru's pager beeped. "Oops! Gotta go!"

As Great Naru fled, Seta was back in the inferno. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

In another distant part of town, several cops were patrolling the streets, looking for another blatant case of Self-Insertion.

As the cops gave up searching, and decided to go back home to their TV dinners, a handsome, tall man with a "Yu-Gi-Oh!" Yugi hairstyle and a drab outfit similar to the one worn by Spike Spiegel from "Cowboy Bebop" came out from behind an alley.

"No one can catch Yami Goku! Nosireebob!" said Yami Goku as he ran off to chew bubblegum and kick ass, without any bubblegum.

Unfortunately, Yami Goku ran into a couple of very insistent government officials.

"Oh, crap!" cursed Yami Goku.

"THERE HE IS! IT'S YAMI GOKU! GET HIM!" shouted Government Official #1.

As Yami Goku fled at maximum speed, he ran by the Hinata Apartments, which is where Kaolla lives.

"OH, WHY'D I HAVE TO GO AND DO THIS...!" screamed Yami Goku as he continued to run from the Feds.

Back at the Hinata-sou, Kaolla had caught the turtle who shall henceforth be named "Tama," and was planning to go back to her apartment for a little meal...

"I'm so hungry, I could eat a turtle! ()" declared Kaolla.

"MYYYYYYUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Tama as she shook with fear, retracting back into her shell.

"Don't worry, Tamago! I'm not going to eat you! You shall be my Emergency Food Supply, just in case I get really hungry!" assured Kaolla as she walked up to her apartment room, and entered.

In the apartment room adjacent to Kaolla's, a young, redheaded ten-year-old boy named Negi Watanabe was cooking a delicious meal of kamenabe Turtle Stew.

"God, I hate this stuff! But it is all that I can afford!" said Negi as he watch the stew cook.

Suddenly, Negi's roomate, Iwatani, sprung in. "Hey, Negi! What's cookin'? Pizza!"

"NANI! IWATANI! Get away! It is all for me!" shouted Negi.

Negi's second roommate, Shiraiyoshi, sprung in through the floor. "I want some, too!" said Shiraiyoshi, not saying a word.

"IIE, SHIRAIYOSHI! IT IS ALL FOR ME! I BOUGHT IT, SO I GET TO EAT IT ALL!" yelled Negi as Iwatani and Shiraiyoshi tried to advance on the cooking pot.

"GET AWAY, YOU TWO! ALL FOR NEGI-SENSEI!"

"IIE, IT'S ALL FOR IWATANI!"

"ALL FOR SHIRAIYOSHI!"

"GET AWAY FROM MY KAMENABE, YOU MORONS! RASTEL MASKIL MAGISTER!"

(BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!)

As Kaolla laid in her jungle room, she listened to her next-door neighbors fight over the food, her stomach growled fiercely as she laid in her hammock.

"sigh They get kamenabe to eat again...!"

Far away, in a distant mountain landscape, Meidora ran home to her sexy mother.

"MAMAAAAA!" shouted Meidora.

"Meidora!" said Meidora's sexy mom as her daughter ran into her arms.

"Mom, when's Dad coming home?" asked Meidora.

"I don't know, dear. And quite frankly, I don't care what happens to that jerk!" replied Meidora's sexy mother as she lead Meidora into the house.

Far off in the distance, Seta's scream could be heard.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Back at HINATA HQ, Keitarazzo was trying to play an electric guitar. Alas, he got frustrated and smashed it to pieces, being the clumsy oaf that he is.

The next day, Keitarazzo was watching the news coverage of yesterday's building fire.

"Experts still have no clue as to what caused this building under construction to burn down, just like that. Scientists are hard at work trying to figure out what the heck exactly happened. For H News, I'm Mikage Amanogawa." reported the hot news reporter with long black hair and jade-green eyes, who was an Original Character ripped off from one of Yami Goku's other fanfics.

Keitarazzo turned off his portable TV, and put it away. "WHY DOES THE WORLD HAVE TO BE SO CORRUPT!"

"HAIL KEITARAZZO! Mission accomplished! ()" greeted Kaolla. "That was fun! What next!"

It was obvious that Kaolla had failed in her mission. "Well, Kaolla, your next mission is to..."

Back at the apartment of Manga-ka Ken Akamatsu, the artist was working on "Negima." But he was unaware of what dangers lurked behind him...

"Hee hee hee...!"

Upon hearing the sinister female laugh, Ken turned around, meeting up with the barrel of a big-ass bazooka.

"Eep."

"BOO!" shouted Kaolla.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

(BOOOOOM!)

Episode One: Ken Akamatsu Assassination Plot

TODAY'S MISSION... ... ...FAILED

Cue Ending Theme, "Menchi's Bolero of Sorrow So You're Going to Eat Me"

Tama walks up to a microphone in the middle of a spotlight. She adjusts the mike, and starts to sing. As she sings, a woman (let's just say it's Nyamo from the Summer Special) appears in a bubble beside her, and translates Tama's singing. Occasionally during the song, a hand shakes salt down onto Tama.

Starring...

Kaolla Suu as Kaolla Kaolla (Parody of Excel Excel)

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

NYAMO: "I knew, ever since that day..."

Keitaro Urashima as (Land)Lord Keitarazzo (Parody of Lord Ilpalazzo)

(TAMA: Myuuhh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuhhh...!)

NYAMO: "...the reason that you had approached me."

Naru Narusegawa as Great Naru of the Macrocosm (Parody of Great Will of the Macrocosm)

Noriyasu Seta as Pedroyasu Seta (Parody of Pedro)

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

NYAMO: "Tender and soft..."

Mei Narusegawa as Meidora (Parody of Sandora)

Tama-chan as Tama (Parody of Menchi)

(TAMA: Myuuhh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuhhh...!)

NYAMO: "...that my body is to your tastes."

Negi Springfield as Negi Watanabe (Parody of Touru Watanabe) (Yes, I'm using the lead character from Ken Akamatsu's "Negima/Magister Negi Magi" Manga series!)

(TAMA: Myuuuuhh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuhh...myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuhh...?)

NYAMO: "To your hunger-stricken eyes, how does my body seem?"

Masayuki Haitani as Iwatani (Parody of Norikuni Iwata)

Kimiaki Shirai as Shiraiyoshi (Parody of Daimaru Sumiyoshi)

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

NYAMO: "If you are to eat me, do it in one blow..."

Kentaro Sakata as Kentarez (Parody of Gomez)

Yami Goku (Yeah, it's a Self-Insertion! ()) as himself (Parody of Nabeshin)

Ken Akamatsu as himself (Parody of Koshi Rikdo)

(TAMA: Myuh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuuhhh...)

NYAMO: "...so that the meat does not get hard."

As the song ends and the curtain closes, a hand grabs Tama off the stage.

A YAMI GOKU FQX PRODUCTION

KAOLLA: So, how'd you like that? I think that this is going to be one of Yami Goku's most ludicrous, pointless projects yet! Next time on Quack Experimental Fusion Kaolla Saga, we introduce a new character! And you'll never guess who she is! Next time, it's Episode Two: "The Woman From Planet Chupiter"! See you soon! ()

Yami Goku: 


	2. The Woman From The Planet Chupiter

Here's the second episode of my fusion fanfic Kaolla Saga! If you didn't like the first part, you're probably not going to like this part, either!

Enjoy!

Love Hina belongs to Ken Akamatsu.

Excel Saga belongs to Koshi Rikdo.

The "Star Wars" theme plays as words scroll up the screen in front of a starfield. It looks like they're flying off into the distance, just like the beginning of each "Star Wars" movie.

KAOLLA

SAGA

Episode II

ATTACK OF THE CLODS

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away,

there lived two dominant powers. I don't know

if this is true, but frankly, I don't really give a

tooty...

Anywho, I, Ken Akamatsu, do hereby grant Yami

Goku permission to change his Kaolla Saga fanfic

into a science-fiction Anime epic...!

KEN (voice-over): "I, Ken Akamatsu, do hereby give Yami Goku permission to change Kaolla Saga into a kick-ass Sci-Fi Anime fanfic! Now, GET TO WORK!"

Ken's stamp of approval flies off into the distance along with the words.

KEN AKAMATSU

Cue Opening Theme, "Love (Loyalty)."

A shot of Kaolla does a 360, then Kaolla falls into Keitarazzo's trap hole. Shortly before the title screen, she emerges with a squid on her head.

QUACK EXPERIMENTAL FUSION

K A O L L A S A G A

A Love Hina/Excel Saga Fusion FanFic by Yami Goku

Episode Two: The Woman From Planet Chupiter

Kaolla makes several funny faces at the screen.

Kaolla and Mutsumi are lip-syncing to the OT, which is actually being sung by the Excel Girls.

Sore wa ai ja nai... (cough cough) "That isn't love..."

Ai wa sore ja nai... (cough cough) "Love isn't that..."

The girls are singing on a sidewalk.

Aishite iru kedo ai sarete wa inai. "I am in love, but I am not loved."

Several shots that include Mutsumi looking at you, looking the other way, collapsing, and laying on a couch soused to the gills.

Kesshite ai ja nai... (cough cough) "Definitely isn't love..."

Ketsu wa ai ja nai... (cough cough) "Derriere isn't love..."

The girls are singing within the locker room of a men's public bath.

Aisaretai kedo motometari wa shinai. "I want to be loved, but I never seek it out."

Several shots of Tama in different poses, then when Tama sees Kaolla wielding a fork and knife, she acts terrified and withdraws into her shell.

Kono mi sasagete inochi nagedashi. "I offer myself, and throw my life away."

Mutsumi floating in the water.

Wakime mo furazu tada hitasura ni "Looking neither left nor right, I will just earnestly"

Kaolla tries to run off, but two hands restrain her.

Dameshite sukashite yokohairi "Cheat, wheedle, interfere,"

Negi attempting to "initiate a perpetual contract" with Mutsumi, but a giant tentacle snatches him away. Then, three Mutsumi heads appear on the screen, each one a little closer than the last.

Tanin wo fumitaoshi keri wo kamashite! "And trample down and kick strangers!"

Kaolla kicking Negi, Iwatani, and Shiraiyoshi clean into next week!

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) "And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"

Kaolla and Mutsumi running down a long road, with Tama flying along the path.

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) "And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"

(Land)Lord Keitarazzo joins the three. He trips on his cape as he runs, and falls down.

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) "And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"

Kitsune is running across a bridge with a bunch of Liddos.

Tonzora koite...! "And we get the Hell out...!"

Yami Goku and Ken Akamatsu running from the Feds through a tunnel, then off into the sunset.

Banana no kawa de korondemo "Even if I slip on a banana peel,"

Kaolla hanging upside-down from a tree eating a banana, while Mutsumi has slipped on several of Kaolla's banana peels, and is now unconscious on the ground.

Sore wa subete ano kata no tame. "It's all for his sake, anyways."

A giant tiger-like monster that bears a resemblance to Byakko from "Yu Yu Hakusho" pops up in front of Kaolla and Mutsumi, and the two girls assume a fighting pose. Keitarazzo is watching from the background, cowering in fear.

Shiite iu nara sore wa kitto "If anything, that is probably"

Seta being dragged from his bed by The Great Naru of The Macrocosm.

Ai to iu na no chuuseishin! "A kind of loyalty called love!"

Kaolla and Mutsumi in (Land)Lord Keitarazzo's throne room, saluting him.

Kaolla appears in the middle of a spotlight.

KAOLLA: Yami Goku would like to apologize if the previous chapter seemed targeted solely towards Otaku who were only familiar with Love Hina. He's sorry. Now, let me bring you up to date on the story...! () This fanfic is called...

Ta-da!

QUACK EXPERIMENTAL FUSION

K A O L L A S A G A

A Love Hina/Excel Saga Fusion FanFic by Yami Goku

KAOLLA: ..."Quack Experimental Fusion Kaolla Saga," or perhaps "Weird Fusion Kaolla Saga" to you fansubbers! Starring yours truly, Kaolla Kaolla! ()

MAIN SETTING

Scene shows the city of H.

KAOLLA: It all takes place within the city and prefecture of H! Conquering it is the primary goal of the top secret organization of HINATA!

MAIN CHARACTERS

Shot of (Land)Lord Keitarazzo. Featuring (Land)Lord Keitarazzo, the head honcho, dictator-for-life, ruler supreme of HINATA!

Shot of Tama-chan. Tama! A turtle I picked up!

Shot of Seta. Seta! Weirdo!

Shot of Ken Akamatsu. Ken Akamatsu! Not appearing anymore!

Shot of Yami Goku. Yami Goku! Also a Main Character! Don't know why!

Shot of Negi, Iwatani, and Shiraiyoshi. Unemployed, noisy teenage neighbors! I don't know about them, either!

Several shots of several different characters. Ugly guy appearing in Episode Five! Lady appearing in Episode Six! Some sort of secretary appearing in Episode Seven! And then there's ME! First name Kaolla, last name Kaolla, or just Kaolla for short! Age: 14; code name Kiko Koketsu!

Keitarazzo appears behind Kaolla.

KAOLLA: This fanfic series will chronicle the adventures and exploits of the two members of HINATA, Lord Keitarazzo and myself, as we work towards the conquest of the entire city together!

KEITARAZZO: (;) rubs back of head Oh, so that's what this is all about...! 

Keitarazzo disappears, and the background is replaced with a starfield. A gigantic starship manuevers into view behind Kaolla. Kaolla turns around, and sees it.

KAOLLA: Oh, wow!

On the bridge of the Chupiter mothership, the Liddo were aware that they had reached their destination: The obscure, T-shirt-producing planet known as "Earth."

"Chupi Chu!" It's Earth! reported Liddo #1.

"Chupi chupi Chu. Chu, Chupi?" I know. Big, isn't it? nodded Liddo #2.

"Chu." Uh-huh. nodded Liddo #1.

"Chupi!" It's war! shouted Liddo #3.

"Chupi!" Invade! shouted Liddo #4.

"Chupi!" Dance! commanded the Liddo Commander.

The Liddo began to dance around a cryogenic sleeping chamber that held their greatest treasure: The Liddo Princess.

"Chupi! Chupi! Chupi! Chupi! Chupi! Chupi! Chupi!" chanted the Liddo as they danced, being watched by a strange man called "Space Cowboy."

"They're so cute!" remarked the Space Cowboy.

As the starship zoomed by, Kaolla was caught up in its warp fields, and thrown all about the void!

"Oh-noooo! This is bad! I'm getting spacesick! HELP ME, GREAT NARU OF THE MACROCOSM! YOU'RE MY ONLY HOPE!" shouted Kaolla, unaware that in space, no one can hear you scream...

Back on Earth in the city of H, Pedroyasu Seta was just waking up after a refreshing night's sleep.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

...Okay, I guess that it wasn't very refreshing. Seta awoke, screaming, panting, and in a profuse sweat.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO! pant pant pant whew! I guess that Seta just had a really terrible dream!" panted Seta, before noticing the woman that laid at his side.

"Uuuugghh...Oh! Ohayou gozaimasu, Seta!" greeted a naked Great Naru of the Macrocosm as she basked in the afterglow.

Seta put two and two together.

It was no dream.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Seta, doing a perfect impression of "The Scream" painting.

Up in space, Kaolla was still floating around, trying to get a hold of Great Naru, but she kept on getting a busy signal.

"Oh, this is just perfect!" shouted Kaolla, before noticing a strange light ahead of her. The light consumed her completely.

"HOCKEY PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKSSSS... ... ...!" Kaolla shouted before vanishing into the light...

Kaolla sprung awake.

"That was just another dream! I hate that!" said Kaolla.

When Kaolla realized that she was somehow standing in the kitchen of Hinata-sou, in an apron, with Tama on a cutting board in front of her, she figured what had happened when her brain fell asleep.

"Apparently, when my mind went AWOL, my stomach took full control of my actions!" Kaolla picked up a frightened and shaking Tama, and comforted her.

"Don't worry, Tamago! I'm not going to eat you."

Tama relaxed.

"I'm going to save you as my Emergency Food Supply! ()" added Kaolla, making Tama scared again.

"Myuuuuuhhh!" Tama began flying all over the place in fear.

Upstairs, Negi, Iwatani, and Shiraiyoshi could hear the sounds of Kaolla chasing a flying turtle all around her apartment.

"Blimey, does that girl ever shut up!" asked Negi.

"I don't know. I think it's soothing," commented Iwatani.

"Man, you've got some nerves of steel!" Shiraiyoshi "said."

"groan Surely, that little twerp must drive you a little batty sometimes!" Negi said.

"Don't call me Shirley! My name is Masakuni Iwatani!" introduced Iwatani.

"And my name is Kimimaru Shiraiyoshi! Don't wear it out, man! ()" said Shiraiyoshi, silently.

"And my name is Yami Goku! No other name needed!" announced Yami Goku, who had somehow appeared out of nowhere.

After receiving several long seconds of the silent treatment, Yami Goku slinked out of the apartment.

Negi went back to staring at the wall. "Why was I cursed with this bleeping lame lifestyle! Why do I have to live in this bleeping apartment with three bleeping bass-ackwards Japanese clods, instead of teaching at Mahora Academy! Why are we all bleeping unemployed! Why couldn't I have been a travel agent! Or a great scientist! Or the inventor of a hilarious refridgerator alarm! Why must bleeping Japan be under this bleeping recession! WHY! WHY! WHY!" cursed Negi.

Shiraiyoshi looked at Negi, as if he had something uplifting and inspiring to "say."

"Hey, man. Like, poo happens," was what Shiraiyoshi had to "say."

"Yeah 'listen' to him, Negi!" said Iwatani, also looking at Negi.

Negi regarded Iwatani with an irritated stare as he pointed his staff at Iwatani.

"Eep!" squealed Iwatani as he backed away.

"I would rather be alone. Go away, you two," Negi said.

"Hai, sir!" said Iwatani and Shiraiyoshi as they fled to another room.

The strange alien starship hovered over the city of H, blocking out the Sun and casting a huge shadow all over everything. Of course, it was already becoming cloudy, and the Sun was about to be consumed by rainclouds.

At the Hinata Apt., Kaolla was just getting ready to leave for HINATA headquarters, which was technically in the same building.

"I'm going now, Tamago! Watch my room while I'm away! And stay out of my closet!" shouted Kaolla as she ran out the door and down the hella-long staircase. As soon as Kaolla got to the bottom, she noticed how cloudy it was. "Huh...Looks like rain! I better check the weather forecast!"

Kaolla pulled out her portable TV, unfolded to its full size of 70 inches, and turned it on.

"Welcome to H News Weather! And now, your lovely weather girl, Felicia Neko!" announced the announcer as the screen changed from the station logo to the cotton-candy-blue-haired girl that was also ripped off from another one of Yami Goku's fanfics.

"Today's weather looks really sunny and happy, folks! Go out and get a tan! tee-hee! ()" Felicia wink cutely after giving her report in front of the weather map of Japan.

Kaolla turned off her TV, and folded it back up. "All right! Time for go to HINATA! ()"

Kaolla bolted down the street, heading towards HINATA HQ, which wasn't that far away.

"I'M COMEEEEEEEEENNNNGGGG, LORD KEITARAZZO! HAI-KEEBA! ()" shouted Kaolla as she whizzed down the street at top speed, not aware that she was going in the wrong direction.

An Old Man and a Young Boy saw Kaolla sprint down the road.

"Old Man, is that girl crazy?" asked the Young Boy.

"She sure is, Young Boy. She sure is," answered the Old Man.

The hot weather girl Felicia Neko's weather report was wrong, and soon it was raining buckets all over H. Wandering through the rain was none other than Yami Goku, who was sensing some familiar vibes.

"Oh, great! Space Cowboy!" groaned Yami Goku.

"I can sense you too, Yami Goku! I'm coming for you! WHA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" laughed Space Cowboy, his voice audible in Yami Goku's head.

"THERE HE IS! LET'S GET HIM!" came a voice from the alleyway.

"Dammit! The Feds!" whispered Yami Goku as he ran from his pursuers, being pursued for the crime of being a Self-Insert.

Back on the Chupiter mothership, the Liddo were preparing for their invasion of Earth. Actually, they were still dancing around the sleeping chamber of their princess. They all came to attention when the Liddo Commander spoke up.

"Chupi chupi chupi chupi chupi chupi chupi chupi chupi chupi chupi chupi chupi!" How many of you have the guts to go down there and fight, even though you're all small and weak!" spoke the Liddo Commander.

"Chupi chupi!" the Liddo shouted in unison.

"Chupi chupi chupi! Chupi chupi chupi chupi chupi!" You're all so brave! You already deserve medals for bravery! said the Liddo Commander as he tossed medals to all of the Liddo, who caught them and put them on.

"Chupi!" thanked the Liddo, who then resumed dancing around the cryogenic chamber of the Chupiterian Princess.

"Chupi! Chupi! Chupi! Chupi! Chupi! Chupi! Chupi! Chupi! Chupi!" chanted the Liddo as they danced, making the Space Cowboy swoon.

"Oh, my! They're soooo kawaii!"

Elsewhere, Kaolla was standing in the Main Office of HINATA, which was flooded with rainwater, due to the sexy Felicia Neko's lousy prediction about the nice weather.

"The HINATA base is in deep trouble! Stupid pretty weather girl...!" mumbled Kaolla.

"Oh, man! All this water! What am I going to do about it!" panicked (Land)Lord Keitarazzo, still safely up on the floating kotatsu.

"I know!" Kaolla pulled out another one of her weird inventions, which looked like a giant doll with a tiki mask. "I built this wooden self-propelled lifedoll, with a built an ice-cream maker! You can save your life and money on ice cream! ()"

Keitarazzo was unimpressed. However, in a crisis, he was highly open to suggestions. "That's brilliant, Kaolla! I hereby promote you to...uh...Toilet Cleaner!"

"Oh, arigatou arigatou arigatou, Lord Keitarazzo-sama! I shan't disappoint! ()" thanked Kaolla dropping the doll into the water.

"Well, that aside, now for today's assignment! Take a look at this guy!" said Keitarazzo, holding up a picture with a young boy's picture on it.

"This young boy with the electric guitar is Seiya Amanogawa, a 13-year old boy with rock-and-roll dreams! He's yet another character ripped off from one of Yami Goku's fanfics, one that has yet to be featured, however." said Keitarazzo as a game show bell chimed. "He spends all day blasting his eardrums with heavy metal music, not taking into account that the loud music prevents his older sister Tenko from studying. What do you think of all this, Kaolla?"

Kaolla had noticed that the water level in the room seemed to be getting a little high, with the table floating higher. Nevertheless, she gave a concise answer. "Uhhhh...He's a brainless, tone-deaf youth who'll never amount to anything!" The water level got higher still, until Kaolla figured out that the water wasn't getting higher, it was her that was getting lower! "Uh, Keitarazzo-sama, I don't mean to be a bother, but I seem to be sinking! If it's all right with you, I'd just like to get to my part-time job to pay for my rent!"

Keitarazzo's cell phone rang. "Hold on, Kaolla!" Keitarazzo answered it. "Moshi-moshi?"

There was a long pause, during which Kaolla sunk a little deeper.

"...Nani! ...sigh Oh, all right...!" Keitarazzo hung up. "The Supreme High Master Commander of HINATA thinks my idea is a crappy one. So much for that plan...! (--)" sighed Keitarazzo as he stamped "REJECTED" on Seiya's profile sheet. "Just go, Kaolla."

However, Kaolla had already left, or so it looked that way to Keitarazzo. "Kaolla...?"

HEPPOKO

JIKKEN

FYUUJON

K A O R A

S A A G A

(KEITARAZZO: sigh That little gaikokujin will be the death of me...!)

Back at Hinata-sou, Tama was staring out the window at the downpour, dreaming of only one thing: freedom. She didn't want to become turtle soup for Kaolla in case she got really hungry! She just wanted to live a normal life as a hot-springs turtle!

"Myuuhh!" Tama knew that now was the perfect opportunity to escape!

Tama flew over to the door, and was able to undo the latch with no trouble. However, turning the doorknob was downright impossible for the poor little onsengame!

"Myuuuuuhh!" cried Tama, wishing that she was human-sized.

Wanting to escape at whatever cost, Tama started to get desperate.

"Myuuuuhh...!" Withdrawing her head into her shell, Tama began her attempts to barge the door down. But even after many attacks on the door, it still didn't open!

The banging of the door and pitiful turtle whines caught the attention of Negi, who was right in the middle of preparing lunch.

"RRRRGGGHHH! Can't that bloody little reptile see that I'm right in the middle of tea time!" growled Negi as he walked over to Kaolla's door. "Can't she see that I'm right in the middle of wallowing in self-despair!"

Negi opened the door. And as soon as Tama saw her only path to freedom open right up before her eyes, she was overcome with joy!

"MYUUUUUUUHHH! ()" exclaimed Tama, angels of happiness appearing over her, and Beethoven's "Ode To Joy" playing all around her.

Tama flew out, Negi becoming bewildered by the naked angels of happiness hovering over the turtle.

As soon as Tama jumped into the torrential flood waters and started swimming off, Negi looked out the window. "Woah! The whole street is flooded! It's like Venice!"

Kaolla was riding her yellow hoverscooter decorated with a "P!" over the floodwaters, wearing a red rain slicker while delivering newspapers, the only job that she could obtain.

"o/ I'VE BEEN DELIVERING NEWSPAPERS/ ALL THE RAINY DAY/ I'VE BEEN DELIVERING NEWSPAPERS/ 'CAUSE THAT'S HOW I'LL EARN MY PAY...! o/" sang Kaolla. As she sang she noticed several objects being carried by the current, such as a car, a neon sign, and the world's largest naruto (fish cakes that are served in ramen).

"There seems to be an awful lot of carbohydrate-rich foods floating by today," remarked Kaolla, "but if this flood sweeps everything away, our conquest of the city will be over before you know it! ()"

Kaolla then envisioned her and (Land)Lord Keitarazzo ruling over the entire...washed-away barren wasteland.

"NO NO NO! THAT'S CRAZY! THERE'LL BE NOTHING LEFT!" Kaolla said, shaking her head.

Kaolla then heard the sound of what sound like a turtle singing. She looked down in the water, and noticed Tama water-skiing through the floodwaters, surrounded by a beautiful rainbow and three nude angels of happiness. Beethoven's "Ode To Joy" could be heard, and Tama was singing to it in a chorus of "Myuh!"s.

Kaolla watched her pet water-ski for a minute or so, then she leapt off of her hoverscooter and pounced on Tama.

"GOTCHA! () You tried to escape, ne, Tamago!" cooed Kaolla, as Tama sadly watched her angels of happiness wave bye-bye as they flew away.

Kaolla looked around. "Now, where'd my Hover-Vespa go? I only abandoned it for 30 seconds to a minute! Hmmm..."

As Kaolla looked around, she failed to noticed her scooter float away behind her. "Meh, I'm sure I'll run into it eventually! ()" she shrugged.

Kaolla then noticed something else float by: A cute little stuffed animal wrapped in an adorable pink coat, carrying a weird megaphone-like item as it floated by on a piece of driftwood.

"Chupiiiiiiiiiiii! ()" squealed the cute creature as it saw Kaolla, doing an accurate impression of a fangirl.

"OH, HOW KAWAII! ()" beamed Kaolla. "BUT THERE'S NO TIME FOR KAWAII!" Kaolla bludgeoned the cute thing with an electric guitar, causing it to make an ugly face.

"GAAAAHHH! YOU GOT ME!" grunted the cute creature before exploding in a flurry of stuffing.

Kaolla picked up the megaphone-thingamabob. "What's this contraption? Kaolla will find out! ()"

Kaolla started to run back to Hinata-sou. "When we get back and I figure out what this is, then we eat, Tama!"

"MYUUUUUHHH!" shrieked Tama, not hearing the second comma in Kaolla's statement.

Later, back at Hinata-sou, Kaolla had just disassembled the device, analyzed it, and put it back together.

"Of course! After thorough and extensive analysis, I've concluded that this is a top-secret KICK-ASS DEATH RAY GUN sent to me by the HINATA Research Laboratories in Bangor, Maine! Of course, it actually says "Made With Pride By The Chupiter Corporation" here, but that's probably just for protection! ()" concluded Kaolla, striking a cool pose. "With this KICK-ASS DEATH RAY GUN, HINATA shall rule the city of H!"

Kaolla marched out into the hall, staring out the window at the flooded city of H.

"PREPARE TO MEET THY DOOM, H! PREPARE TO BE RULED BY (LAND)LORD KEITARAZZO! () POWER ON!"

Kaolla switched on the device.

"Greetings, fellow user! My name is Julian, and I'll be your KICK-ASS DEATH RAY GUN for today," spoke the KICK-ASS DEATH RAY GUN in a very femme voice.

"FIRE!" commanded Kaolla.

"Your wish is my command, dear!" said Julian as the KICK-ASS DEATH RAY GUN fired a powerful purple beam up into the sky.

The beam sailed high into the atmosphere, blasting a hole clean through the Chupiter mothership!

"Chupiiii! Chupiiiiii!" panicked the Liddo as they ran around, everything malfunctioning and in disorder.

The Space Cowboy noticed the sleep chamber containing the Chupiterian treasure start to slide away. "OH-NO! SOMEBODY SAVE LADY MUTSUMI!"

Back on Earth, Kaolla watched the big spaceship plummet to the Earth. "Oopsie! Did I do that?"

Kaolla then saw a bunch of yellow feline stuffed animals struggle to make it onto a small shuttlecraft.

"Chupi chupi chu! Chupi chupi chupi chupi chupi chupi!" Everybody get back on! The plans to conquer Earth are on temporary hold! shouted one of the Liddo as he motioned for all the other Liddo to get back on board.

"Huh?" wondered Kaolla as she leapt out of the window, and swam all the way over to the strange shuttle.

Jumping into the spacecraft, still with Tama on her head, Kaolla took a look around at all the yellow stuffed animals.

"What's all this! CUTE YELLOW STUFFED ANIMALS!" exclaimed the gaijin girl.

"Chupi chupi?" Who's she? asked Liddo #7.

"Chupi chupi chupi?" A warrior from Earth? wondered Liddo #15.

"NO TIME FOR CUTE!" shouted Kaolla, punching Liddo #18, causing him to make an ugly face and explode in a flurry of stuffing.

"KAWAIIKUNE!" Kaolla exclaimed as she kicked Liddo #23, causing him to make an ugly face and explode in a flurry of stuffing.

"I HAD A STUFFED TURKEY ONCE, AND IT WAS DELICIOUS AND CUTE!" Kaolla yelled as she clobbered Liddo #30, causing him to sail into a control panel and activate it before making an ugly face and exploding in a flurry of stuffing.

Some weird alien language flashed on the activated control panel, causing the shuttlecraft to take off!

"Now that we're deviated from our planned course of events, how about a little help here, Naru-chan!" asked Kaolla.

Back at the shack in the middle of H, Seta was drained and sobbing after being robbed of his male pride by a horny Great Naru of the Macrocosm.

"Ohhh! gasp pant pant You're such a wild stallion, Seta-san!" panted Great Naru, basking in the afterglow after yet another romp with Seta.

"Oh, not again!" Kaolla then had a realization! "Hey, wait a minute! What if this is another one of HINATA's top secret weapons! If that is the case, then there's nothing to worry about!"

Kaolla ran over to a control panel, which was displaying vital technical information in the unreadable Chupiterian language.

"Oh, great! I can't read this weird language!" groaned Kaolla.

Kaolla was powerless, as the lack of navigational control caused the shuttlecraft to collide with the mothership, worsening the situation up there!

On the Chupiter mothership, Space Cowboy was desperately trying push the Chupiterian Princess's cryo chamber to safely.

"Must...make...it...to...escape...pods...with Chupiterian Princess...!" grunted Space Cowboy as he continued to push the freezer bed.

"Chupi chupi chupi chupi chu!" You've betrayed us, Space Cowboy! shouted the Liddo.

The kawaii charm of the Liddo once again stopped Space Cowboy in his tracks. "Ohhhh...They're...just...so...KAWAII!"

Space Cowboy was so distracted by the Liddo, he didn't notice that his sworn enemy was standing before him.

"It ends here, Space Cowboy!" declared Yami Goku, wearing a blindfold to shield himself from the cuteness of the Liddo.

"Oh-no! ...I mean, uh...ahem YOU'LL NEVER STOP ME, BATMAN--I mean--YAMI GOKU! NEVER! WHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...!" Space Cowboy laughed.

"HAI, I WILL STOP YOU! IT'S TIME FOR ME TO LAYETH THE SMACKETHDOWNETH ON YOUETH!" threatened Yami Goku, striking several martial arts poses.

"NO ONE CAN DEFEAT THE ALMIGHTY SPACE COWBOY! WHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" laughed Space Cowboy, trying not to look directly at the Liddo.

"WELL, I CAN DEFEAT YOU, SPACE COWBOY, NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY! I KNOW KARATE, JUDOU, TAE KWON DO, JEET KUNE DO, KUNG FU, TOFU, HOUOUJI FU, LITTLE BUNNY FOO FU, KUNG PAO, FENG SHUI, DAI DOP WOOEY, HONG KONG SHAFOOEY, FRED SAVAGE, AND SEVERAL OTHER COOL-SOUNDING PSEUDO-ASIAN WORDS!" boasted Yami Goku.

But while Yami Goku was boasting, a lone Liddo climbed up on his shoulders, and pulled off his blindfold!

"Oh, fuck!" swore Yami Goku as he was exposed to the full brunt of the Liddo's cuteness all at once. Space Cowboy gave in when he saw the Liddo remove Yami Goku's blindfold.

"SO KY-OOOOOOOOT! ()" exclaimed Space Cowboy and Yami Goku as they succumbed to the Liddo's mind-numbing cuteness.

As for the state of the Chupiterian mothership, it was very close to self-destructing in mid-air! This was parially due to the fact that Kaolla was now aboard the mothership, shooting everything in sight with the KICK-ASS DEATH RAY GUN, Liddo and everything!

"OUT OUT OUT! THIS BIGGER SHIP IS NOW THE PROPERTY OF (LAND)LORD KEITARAZZO AND HINATA!" shouted Kaolla, not giving a rat's posterior about the delicate equipment in her part of the ship.

As Kaolla decimated the ship, major systems overloaded and exploded, creating even more chaos on the Bridge!

"Chupi, chupi! Chupi chupi, chupi! Chupi chupi, chupi!" Navigation, out! Life Support, out! Warp Drive, out! reported Liddo #47.

"Chupi chupi chupi! Chupi chupi!" Enough of what's out! What's in? asked Liddo #69.

"Chupi! Chupi!" Anime! No duh! answered Liddo #88.

"UH-OH! THIS SHIP IS ABOUT TO GO KABLAMMO! WE'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE!" shouted Yami Goku. "SPACE COWBOY, YOU TAKE THE HOT BABE IN STASIS AND GET OUT OF HERE! I'LL BE WITH YOU JUST AS SOON AS I TAKE CARE OF THESE DANG LIDDO!"

"NO! YOU TAKE CARE OF THE CHUPITERIAN PRINCESS, AND I'LL TAKE CARE OF THE LIDDO!" insisted Space Cowboy.

"sigh Whatever...!" sighed Yami Goku as he began to push the Princess' cryo chamber to the escape pods.

As soon as Yami Goku ran off with the cryogenic chamber and its lovely contents, Space Cowboy felt great remorse at letting Yami Goku go off on his own with the Princess.

"Oh, Yami Goku, why was I foolish enough to trust a slacker like you with Lady Mutsumi! You'll just end up blowing yourself and her to smithereens when everything goes kablammo!" lamented Space Cowboy. Realizing that he was actually developing sympathy for his nemesis, he shrugged and began to remember happier times with Yami Goku: Mowing down a group of thugs with a machine gun, then making it look like a sleeping bum did it; drinking a lot of lemonade and then going swimming in the town's water supply, calling up the local tavern and asking for "Heywood Jacuddlemy," "Dick Hertz," or "Ima Stupidmoronwithanuglyfaceandabigbuttandmybuttsmellsandiliketokissmyownbutt"...They were all cherished memories.

"Dagnabbit, Yami Goku! I'm not going to let these infernal Liddo get it my way! They may be cute, but Lady Mutsumi is even cuter! I can do it!" exclaimed Space Cowboy.

Space Cowboy turned around and faced the army of Liddo that were chasing him.

"ALL RIGHT! LISTEN UP, YOU LITTLE VARMINTS! I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH THE LIKES OF YOU LITTLE PESTS, AND I DON'T MEAN CIRCUS MIDGETS! I'M SICK OF THE WAY YOU'RE ALWAYS ACTING CUTE TO STOP ME FROM DOING WHAT I WANT! NO ONE STOPS SPACE COWBOY! AND I'M TIRED OF HEARING NOTHING BUT 'CHUPI CHUPI' ALL DAY LONG! WELL, THIS HERE IS YOUR LAST STAND!" announced Space Cowboy as he drew his two six-shooter pistols, and took down twelve Liddo within three seconds, all of them making ugly faces before exploding in flurries of stuffing.

Space Cowboy pulled the remote control for the ship's Self-Destruct mode, and held it up in the air. "IT ALL ENDS HERE! WHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! YAMI GOKU, I HOPE THAT YOU'RE ALREADY OFF THE SHIP WITH LADY MUTSUMI, BECAUSE I'M GONNA BLOW ALL OF THESE EFFING LIDDO AND THEIR MOTHERSHIP TO KINGDOM COME! WHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

Space Cowboy pushed the button.

(BOOOOOM!)

However, Yami Goku had not yet made it to the escape pods with the Chupiterian Princess' cryogenic chamber. The Chupiterian mothership exploded in a brilliant show of light, tossing Yami Goku, the Princess' freezer bed, and Kaolla in three different directions!

As Yami Goku sailed away, he watched the Chupiterian mothership go up in dazzling flames, its deadened carcass falling into the ocean.

"See you, Space Cowboy...! Until next we meet...!" said Yami Goku as he sailed off into the horizon.

As Kaolla and Tama were blasted away, with even greater force and trajectory than Yami Goku, Kaolla closed her legs, and gave a loud farewell to everyone below.

"LOOKS LIKE TEAM KAOLLA'S BLASTING OFF AGAIN!" cried Kaolla as she disappeared with a speck of light and a "ping" sound.

As for the cryo chamber containing the Chupiterian Princess Mutsumi, well...

Back at the HINATA base, (Land)Lord Keitarazzo had figured out what to do with the water that had flooded the base. He opened up the trap door, and let all the water rush into the basement, which was also the site of a dry hot spring! The water heated up due to jets of volcanic heat, making the HINATA basement a cozy hot springs resort!

"Aaaaahhh...sweet bliss...! ()" sighed Keitarazzo happily as he immersed himself in the warm, soothing water. For one rare moment in his life, (Land)Lord Keitarazzo was feeling peaceful. There were few things that could happen then that would shatter his peace...

Along came one of those few things, as Keitarazzo's attention was caught by the sound of something crashing through the roof of the HINATA base, and landing with an awesome "CRASH!" sound!

"Oh-no...!" muttered Keitarazzo as he put his towel on over his lower areas, and ran up the twenty-five flights of stairs leading out of the basement and into his throne room.

When he got back upstairs, totally exhausted, he was just in time to see the cryogenic chamber's timer run out. The chamber opened with a loud "HISSSSSSS!" and a thick cloud of chilly nitrogen gas.

"Huh...?" uttered Keitarazzo as he saw a body fall out of the freezer chamber. It was a very beautiful young woman, with long chocolate-brown hair in a cute braid down her back, and huge breasts. She seemed to be dressed in very strange, revealing extraterrestrial clothing.

The woman stood up straight, and looked directly at Keitarazzo.

"Greetings, Earthling...! ()" spoke Mutsumi, in a very quiet, sweet voice.

"Uhh...Greetings to you, too! I'm (Land)Lord Keitarazzo, and given your attire, I'd say that you're an agent sent from the HINATA Supreme High Headquarters in South Bend, Indiana!" guessed Keitarazzo.

"Well, I..." began Mutsumi.

Suddenly, Keitarazzo's towel fell off!

"GYAAAAAAHHH!" screamed Keitarazzo.

"Ohhhhhh...!" moaned Mutsumi just before she fainted.

In some weird place millions of miles--er, thousands of miles away, Kaolla was just waking up after landing in the middle of nowhere.

"groan Where on Earth am I...?"

Kaolla then found herself as the target for about ten armed rifles being wielded by military men.

"Oh, fudge...!"

Episode Two: The Woman From Planet Chupiter

TODAY'S MISSION... ... ...FAILED

Cue Ending Theme, "Menchi's Bolero of Sorrow So You're Going to Eat Me"

Tama walks up to a microphone in the middle of a spotlight. She adjusts the mike, and starts to sing. As she sings, a woman (let's just say it's Nyamo from the Summer Special) appears in a bubble beside her, and translates Tama's singing. Occasionally during the song, a hand shakes salt down onto Tama.

Starring...

Kaolla Suu as Kaolla Kaolla (Parody of Excel Excel)

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

NYAMO: "I knew, ever since that day..."

Mutsumi Otohime as Mutsumi (Parody of Hyatt)

(TAMA: Myuuhh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuhhh...!)

NYAMO: "...the reason that you had approached me."

Keitaro Urashima as (Land)Lord Keitarazzo (Parody of Lord Ilpalazzo)

Naru Narusegawa as Great Naru of the Macrocosm (Parody of Great Will of the Macrocosm)

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

NYAMO: "Tender and soft..."

Noriyasu Seta as Pedroyasu Seta (Parody of Pedro)

Tama-chan as Tama (Parody of Menchi)

(TAMA: Myuuhh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuhhh...!)

NYAMO: "...that my body is to your tastes."

Negi Springfield as Negi Watanabe (Parody of Touru Watanabe)

(TAMA: Myuuuuhh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuhh...myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuhh...?)

NYAMO: "To your hunger-stricken eyes, how does my body seem?"

Masayuki Haitani as Iwatani (Parody of Norikuni Iwata)

Kimiaki Shirai as Shiraiyoshi (Parody of Daimaru Sumiyoshi)

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

NYAMO: "If you are to eat me, do it in one blow..."

Yami Goku as himself (Parody of Nabeshin)

The Liddo as themselves (Parody of the Puchuus)

Space Cowboy as himself (Parody of Space Butler)

(TAMA: Myuh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuuhhh...)

NYAMO: "...so that the meat does not get hard."

As the song ends and the curtain closes, a hand grabs Tama off the stage.

A YAMI GOKU FQX PRODUCTION

KAOLLA: Hi, everyone! Kaolla here...

MUTSUMI: Greetings, Earthlings! My name is Mutsumi. How are you all doing today? How is your planet? ()

KAOLLA: Anyway, the next episode is called "The Sacrificial Lamb of the Venomous Great Escape of Hell"! See you there! ()

Yami Goku: 


	3. The Sacrificial Lamb of The Venomous Gre...

Ohayou gozaimasu! Welcome to Kaolla Saga Episode Three!

Enjoy!

Ken Akamatsu owns Love Hina.

Koshi Rikdo owns Excel Saga.

Yami Goku owns zilch.

At the video store, Ken Akamatsu is walking down the aisles of videos, stopping in the "Action" department. He sees a cassette labeled "Kaolla Saga" and pulls it out. On the box are written words.

KEN: "I, Ken Akamatsu, do hereby give Yami Goku permission to change Quack Experimental Fusion Kaolla Saga into a B-movie-style Action fic."

Ken looks at you.

KEN: Wanna watch?

Cue Opening Theme, "Love (Loyalty)."

A shot of Kaolla does a 360, then Kaolla falls into Keitarazzo's trap hole. Shortly before the title screen, she emerges with a squid on her head.

QUACK EXPERIMENTAL FUSION

K A O L L A S A G A

A Love Hina/Excel Saga Fusion FanFic by Yami Goku

Episode Three: The Sacrificial Lamb of the Venomous Great Escape of Hell

Kaolla makes several funny faces at the screen.

Kaolla and Mutsumi are lip-syncing to the OT, which is actually being sung by the Excel Girls.

Sore wa ai ja nai... (cough cough) "That isn't love..."

Ai wa sore ja nai... (cough cough) "Love isn't that..."

The girls are singing on a sidewalk.

Aishite iru kedo ai sarete wa inai. "I am in love, but I am not loved."

Several shots that include Mutsumi looking at you, looking the other way, collapsing, and laying on a couch soused to the gills.

Kesshite ai ja nai... (cough cough) "Definitely isn't love..."

Ketsu wa ai ja nai... (cough cough) "Derriere isn't love..."

The girls are singing within the locker room of a men's public bath.

Aisaretai kedo motometari wa shinai. "I want to be loved, but I never seek it out."

Several shots of Tama in different poses, then when Tama sees Kaolla wielding a fork and knife, she acts terrified and withdraws into her shell.

Kono mi sasagete inochi nagedashi. "I offer myself, and throw my life away."

Mutsumi floating in the water.

Wakime mo furazu tada hitasura ni "Looking neither left nor right, I will just earnestly"

Kaolla tries to run off, but two hands restrain her.

Dameshite sukashite yokohairi "Cheat, wheedle, interfere,"

Negi attempting to "initiate a perpetual contract" with Mutsumi, but a giant tentacle snatches him away. Then, three Mutsumi heads appear on the screen, each one a little closer than the last.

Tanin wo fumitaoshi keri wo kamashite! "And trample down and kick strangers!"

Kaolla kicking Negi, Iwatani, and Shiraiyoshi clean into next week!

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) "And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"

Kaolla and Mutsumi running down a long road, with Tama flying along the path.

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) "And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"

(Land)Lord Keitarazzo joins the three. He trips on his cape as he runs, and falls down.

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) "And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"

Kitsune is running across a bridge with a bunch of Liddos.

Tonzora koite...! "And we get the Hell out...!"

Yami Goku and Ken Akamatsu running from the Feds through a tunnel, then off into the sunset.

Banana no kawa de korondemo "Even if I slip on a banana peel,"

Kaolla hanging upside-down from a tree eating a banana, while Mutsumi has slipped on several of Kaolla's banana peels, and is now unconscious on the ground.

Sore wa subete ano kata no tame. "It's all for his sake, anyways."

A giant tiger-like monster that bears a resemblance to Byakko from "Yu Yu Hakusho" pops up in front of Kaolla and Mutsumi, and the two girls assume a fighting pose. Keitarazzo is watching from the background, cowering in fear.

Shiite iu nara sore wa kitto "If anything, that is probably"

Seta being dragged from his bed by The Great Naru of The Macrocosm.

Ai to iu na no chuuseishin! "A kind of loyalty called love!"

Kaolla and Mutsumi in (Land)Lord Keitarazzo's throne room, saluting him.

The screen is grainy, like an old filmstrip.

PRODUCED BY STUDIO Y.G.

A

Yami Goku

JOINT

KAOLLA SAGA

in

Yami Goku's

NO ESCAPE!

The filmstrip starts to flip.

NO!

The film cuts out, cutting to a military helicopter flying over the ocean towards a large city.

SOLDIER (V.O.): General, what are our orders?

GENERAL (V.O.): We don't have any orders.

SOLDIER (V.O.): Then why are we flying around for?

GENERAL (V.O.): To provide cheesy B-movie-style material for this fic.

SOLDIER (V.O.): Oh.

"THIS WORLD IS CORRUPT!" exclaimed (Land)Lord Keitarazzo, ruler of HINATA, briefing his newest agent, Mutsumi. "This planet is swamped with wars, hatred, stupidity, and greed! And only an organization such as HINATA can bring order to it...!"

Mutsumi collapsed on the floor, being a girl not in the best of health.

"Are you listening, Agent Mutsumi?" asked Keitarazzo.

"Hai..." Mutsumi came around, and stood back up.

Keitarazzo continued ranting and whining about the world's problems for another minute, with Mutsumi struggling to stay conscious the entire time. When Keitarazzo finally changed the subject, Mutsumi looked barely alive.

Keitarazzo tossed a photograph of Kaolla at Mutsumi's feet. Mutsumi picked it up and looked at it.

"Ooh. Who's she?" asked Mutsumi.

"She's Agent Kaolla. I haven't seen her at all ever since our last mission! You mission to go out and find her! She might look a little different than that picture, since she was trying to hide her hunger with a funny face, something about a 'fasting ceremony' that her people must endure, or something. Now, can you do it?"

Mutsumi had collapsed again, but she started to crawl off, inchworm-style. "Hai...!"

Back in the mysterious place that Kaolla landed in our previous episode...

"Hi, everyone," greeted Kaolla, in a Voice-Over. "You've kinda caught me in a very bad situation! You see, when the explosion of that strange spaceship caused me to be hurled back into my own home country, I was immediately captured and imprisoned! It seems that when I left my country, I was actually being kicked out of the country for reasons that my brain cannot fathom! Maybe it had something to do with that fact that there was a war going on. Anywho, I have been denied the right to remain silent, and the right to an attorney! I have been tortured in many cruel and very unusual ways! And I have been spending all the time that I'm not tortured in a filthy cave with nothing to do but count the rocks! (2,481...2,482...2,483...) ...Okay, that's it! I'm getting out of here, and getting something decent to eat!"

Back on the surface, Tama was being stared at by three Army Men.

"Hey, man! That's a pretty cute turtle!" said Army Man #1.

"I wonder what his name is?" wondered Army Man #2.

Army Man #3 picked Tama up. "I know! How's about we name him 'Timmy'?"

Army Man #1 grabbed Tama, and inspected her lower regions. "Uh...I think that this is a girl turtle! There's no dong!"

"But 'Timmy' can be a girl's name, can't it?" asked Army Man #3.

"And why do you want to name her 'Timmy'?" cried Army Man #2. "Don't you remember what happened to our dear friend Timmy! sob LUCKY DUCK! YOU GOT DISCHARGED! AND NOW YOU GET TO SPEND ALL YOUR TIME AT HOME IN YOUR CONDOMINIUM WITH A PLASMA-SCREEN TV AND A MAIL-ORDER KOREAN BRIDE! cry I WANNA GET DISCHARGED, TOO!"

"YEAH, US TOO!" sobbed Army Men #1 and #3.

"WHUT ARE YOU MAGGOTS CRYING ABOUT NOW!" roared the Sarge.

"Oh, nothing, sir!" said the Army Men, at attention.

"Oh, something's up! Could it have something to do with this cute little turtle!" said the Sarge as he picked up Tama.

"Yes, sir. We wanted to name her 'Timmy', but..." began Army Man #1.

"WOULD YOU STOP BAWLING OVER YOUR DEAR FRIEND TIMMY! HE'S IN A BETTER PLACE NOW! HE'S BACK HOME! Now, I want you three maggots to build this dear turtle an aquarium to swim in! With a nice rock to sun herself on! And I want to see it done by 0800! Am I making myself clear!" requested the Sarge.

"SIR, YES, SIR!" shouted the three Army Men in unison.

"Good. GET TO WORK, MAGGOTS!" ordered the Sarge as he walked away.

"Myuuuuhh!" cheered Tama.

"We'll build you a nice aquarium, Timmy!" said Army Man #2 as Army Man #1 put Tama back down on the ground.

As soon as Tama was back on the ground, she felt something strange shaking the Earth.

"Myuh?" asked Tama quizically.

A few moments later, the ground split before Tama, and out emerged a terrifying face. Terrifying to Tama, that is.

"FREEDOM! ()" exclaimed Kaolla as she broke free from her underground cell.

"HEY! JAILBREAK!" yelled Army Man #1 as they saw Kaolla, all three Army Men focusing their rifles on her.

"Oh, poop!" cursed Kaolla as she was tied up, and dragged off. But Kaolla noticed that she was being taken in a different direction than her cell.

"Hey, where are we going now?" asked Kaolla. The Army Men didn't answer her.

As she was being dragged off, Kaolla noticed a familiar turtle. "Hey! You look like a familiar reptile! Have we met?"

"Myuh...!" sighed Tama, relieved.

As Kaolla was dragged away, Army Man #2 read her her rights.

"You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to remain loud. You have the right to scratch yourself. You have the right to pick your nose."

Army Man #2 continued on and on until they made it to what seemed to be a deep pit. The Army Men tossed Kaolla in.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHH...!" screamed Kaolla as she fell all the way to the bottom of the pit.

"Tomorrow's forecast calls for rain!" said Army Man #3.

"And even if it does rain, we're still gonna execute you! HA HA HA HA HA!" laughed Army Man #2 as he and Army Man #1 and Army Man #3 walked off.

As Kaolla assessed the situation, she quickly came to a conclusion. "This sucks! This is no place for a beautiful heroine like me! And I'm hungry!"

Looking around, Kaolla saw a scrumptious-looking mouse wander by. "ALL RIGHT! I EAT! ()"

But the mouse ran off before Kaolla could grab it.

"Aw, nuts!" groaned Kaolla.

"Well, well! A visitor! You don't get that many visitors down here!" came a voice from the other side of the pit.

"Huh? Who's there?" asked Kaolla, calling into the darkness. She crawled over to the source, finding a person sitting against the wall, clad in a dark cloak and an iron mask.

"Who are you?" asked Kaolla.

"You may call me Iron Mask. I have been trapped down here for many years after trespassing on these grounds. I tried to escape from this pit, but the walls are too slimy and icky to scale!" explained Iron Mask.

"Too slimy and icky to scale! groan But I have to get home to (Land)Lord Keitarazzo!" whined Kaolla.

"Daijoubu! I managed to entertain myself all these years!" said Iron Mask as s/he pointed at the walls, which were covered in various chalk doodles.

"groan I DON'T DESERVE THIS! SOMEBODY HELP MEEEEEEEE!" cried Kaolla.

Back in the city of H, Mutsumi was still crawling along the ground, desperate to get to the Hinata Apartments, thinking that Kaolla might be there.

At the Hinata-sou, Negi Watanabe was storming out of his room.

"THAT DOES IT! I AM OUT OF HERE! I CANNOT PUT UP WITH YOU BLOODY CLODS ANY MORE! I AM LEAVING THIS PISSANT LITTLE APARTMENT AND LIVING SOMEPLACE ELSE!" shouted Negi.

"Aww, come on! All we did was use your favorite issue of 'Magister Monthly' as a pot holder!" said Iwatani as he held up one of Negi's magazines. "Besides, you've already used this mag as a coaster several times, so what's the diff?"

Negi ignored him, and exited the apartment.

As soon as the boy was at the bottom of the stairs, his attention was caught by a young, pretty woman crawiling along the ground. She ran into the waste receptacle at the curb, yet she still tried to keep going.

"... ..." said Negi. He moved the receptacle out of the way, and let the brown-haired girl keep crawling along. As soon as the babe slowed down and stopped, Negi ran over to her, and helped her stand up.

"Who are you?" asked Mutsumi, weakly.

"I am nobody! Just your average, everyday Watanabe!" said Negi, trying not to stare at Mutsumi's assets.

"Could you help me get to Room 333 in the Hinata Apartments?" asked Mutsumi.

Negi's heart skipped a beat. " Room 333! Oh, my God! That is right next door! Why, sure! Follow me! ()"

As Negi lead Mutsumi back into Hinata-sou, he realized that he had yet to get this girl's name. "So, what is your name?" he asked.

"It's Yami Goku!" said Yami Goku, springing up out of nowhere.

HEPPOKO

JIKKEN

FYUUJON

K A O R A

S A A G A

(NEGI: NOT YOU!)

Back in the homeland of Kaolla, the three Army Men had just finished working on a giant aquarium for Tama to swim in.

"All done!" exclaimed Army Man #2.

"Yeah, and I'm all done painting it!" said Army Man #3.

Army Man #1 looked at Army Man #3's artwork on the side of the aquarium, which depicted a nearly-naked young woman with green skin and a turtle shell.

"Uh...Timmy's a girl turtle, remember!" reminded Army Man #1.

"So? I've got a thing for turtles! ()" said Army Man #3.

Army Men #1 and #2 sweatdropped.

Somewhere deep within the jungle outside the Military Base, a lone figure with starfish-shaped hair dove stealthily through the trees like a monkey, reflecting on his important mission as he bounded from tree to tree...

Down in the pit, Kaolla and Iron Mask were playing a little game to keep themselves entertained...

"...K! Okay, that spells 'steak', so I get a G! My turn! T!" said Iron Mask.

"U," said Kaolla.

"R," said Iron Mask.

"K," said Kaolla.

"E," said Iron Mask.

"Gah! Y! 'Turkey'! I got an O!" groaned Kaolla. "All right, then...P!"

"I," said Iron Mask.

"Uh-oh...Oh, wait! I got it! Z!"

"Z," said Iron Mask.

"D'OH! A! That's 'pizza'! That's an S for me!" sighed Kaolla. "Time to get serious! C!"

"H," said Iron Mask.

"I," said Kaolla.

"M," said Iron Mask.

"I," said Kaolla.

"C," said Iron Mask.

"H," said Kaolla.

"A," said Iron Mask.

"N," said Kaolla.

"G," said Iron Mask, smiling.

"IYAAAA! A!" cried Kaolla.

Iron Mask giggled. "That's G-H-O-S-T. I win! ()"

"WAAAAHHH! I'M SICK OF THIS GAME! I JUST WANNA GET OUT OF HERE, OR AT LEAST EEEEAAAT! sob" sobbed Kaolla.

"C'est la vie...! That's life...! Life is good...! Life is short...! Life's a sport. Drink it up...!" remarked Iron Mask.

"WAAAAHH! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UUUUUUUUP!" bawled Kaolla.

Suddenly, as if from out of nowhere, Kaolla felt the courage to carry on. "Oh, (Land)Lord Keitarazzo-sama! They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder! ()"

An image of Keitarazzo appeared in Kaolla's mind.

"Wh-What do you want...!" spoke a nervous Keitarazzo, being voiced by Kaolla. "YAAAAAGGGHHH...!" screamed Keitarazzo as Kaolla happily glomped him.

We cut back to the pit where Kaolla is hugging a picture of (Land)Lord Keitarazzo that she drew on the wall.

"Lord Keitarazzo-sama...I love you soooooo much...! ()" cooed Kaolla.

Suddenly, the barred entrance to the pit is opened, and a familiar man appears!

"Huh?" said Kaolla.

"Could it be...!" spoke Iron Mask.

"Hai, it is!" proclaimed Yami Goku as he dove down into the pit.

Iron Mask ran over and hugged Yami Goku. "OH, YAMI GOKU-CHAN! IT IS YOU!"

"I've missed you so much, Botan-chan...!" spoke Yami Goku softly.

Kaolla looked at the couple strangely. "Uh...hello? Beautiful heroine here...?"

Yami Goku looked at Kaolla, then went back to staring at Iron Mask. "Who's she?"

"Don't you remember! She's Kaolla!" said Iron Mask.

"Oh, right! Her! Eh, she's not really important! It's you that I came here to rescue, Darlin'!" said Yami Goku, looking deep into Iron Mask's beautiful eyes. "Now, let's amscray!"

Yami Goku escaped the hole safely with Iron Mask, leaving an upset Kaolla behind.

"HEY! WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU GOING! YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME HERE BEHIND TO ROT! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! IF YOU LEAVE ME HERE, AND I DIE, I'M GOING TO COME BACK AS A GHOST, AND HAUNT FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE THAT, HUH...!" screamed Kaolla.

Yami Goku got tired of Kaolla's screaming very quickly, and opened up the pit's Fire Exit. "All right, all right! You can come along with us! Jesus Christ!"

"Doumo arigatou! ()" said Kaolla as she escaped the pit, along with Yami Goku and Iron Mask. But as soon as they were all out of the hole, someone must've seen them, for the security alarm went off!

"Oh, shit!" whispered Yami Goku. "They've spotted us! Run!"

Kaolla ran off on her own. Yami Goku and Iron Mask ran off in the opposite direction, into the dense jungle.

"So, how's Space Cowboy doing these days?" asked Iron Mask as she continued running.

"Oh, still the same jackass he's always been. He's still pretty cool, though," answered Yami Goku as he also continued running through the jungle.

As they kept running, all of a sudden, Iron Mask was partially engulfed by a giant anaconda!

"OH-NOOOOO! YAMI GOKU-CHAAANN! HELP MEEEEEE!" cried Iron Mask.

"BOTAN-CHAAAAN!" screamed Yami Goku as he noticed that his beloved was about to be eaten alive by a gigantic mutant anaconda! He grabbed a hold of Iron Mask's hand, and tried to pull her free of the anaconda's big mouth, but the huge snake had one Hell of an appetite!

"YAMI GOKU-CHAAAANN! HURRY! GET ME OUT OF HEEERRE! OWWWW! OH, MY GOD! IT'S BITING INTO ME WITH ITS TERRIBLE POISONOUS FANGS! OWWWWWWW!" screamed Iron Mask as Yami Goku pulled harder.

"I'M PULLING AS HARD AS I CAN, BOTAN-CHAN! GEEZ, THIS VILE SERPENT SURE HAS GOT A STRONG JAW!" grunted Yami Goku as he gave it his all, putting all of his great strength into freeing his sweet Iron Mask from the loathsome giant anaconda.

After about a minute of strenuous pulling, Iron Mask was finally freed from the anaconda's mouth of death!

"BOTAN-CHAN! Are you all right!" shouted Yami Goku as he held the injured Iron Mask in his arms.

"cough Iie...I'm not all right, Yami Goku-chan...gasp...The poison's getting to me...wheeze...I'm dying...! cough cough" spoke Iron Mask, barely clinging to life.

"NO! YOU'RE NOT DYING! sob YOU'RE GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT, BOTAN-CHAN!" cried Yami Goku. "I-I'll suck the poison out, if I have to! sniff"

"Onegai...remove my mask, so you can see my beautiful face one last time...!" whispered Iron Mask, running short on life.

"Okay...!" said Yami Goku as a mysterious red button appeared on Iron Mask's forehead. After pushing it, the mask fell to pieces, revealing Iron Mask's true face and identity. Yami Goku was treated to the sight of Botan's azure hair and pretty pink eyes.

"sob Botan-chan...! Don't die...! Onegai...!" sobbed Yami Goku as he cradled Botan's head in his arms.

"Gomen nasai, Yami Goku-chan...gasp...but I have to. Sayounara...! croak" were Botan final words before she departed in Yami Goku's arms.

Yami Goku held Botan in his arms for several moments, softly weeping. Then he came to a sudden realization. "HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! ANACONDAS AREN'T POISONOUS!"

Botan's eyes snapped open. "Gotcha! tee-hee! () I can't die! I am death! Anyway, I have to be leaving now! Koenma's probably getting impatient! See ya!"

Giving Yami Goku one last sweet kiss, Botan summoned her oar, and flew off.

"Sayounara, Botan-chan...!" whispered Yami Goku, wiping away another tear.

"ALL RIGHT, SCUMBAG! WE'VE GOT YOU!" shouted Army Man #4 as he and several other Army Men surrounded Yami Goku, implements of death pointing straight at him.

"Oh...heh heh...I suppose you want to kill me for Self-Inserting myself into my own fanfic, huh?" chuckled Yami Goku, standing up to his full height. "Well, in that case...!"

All of the Army Men were silent as Yami Goku began to tap into his powers, reciting a strange incantation...

"From the land known as Heaven, gold sunshine does glow,

unobstructed, through the clouds white as new snow...

From the land known as Hell, where the wicked do go,

a place where the blood of the wicked does flow..."

Yami Goku's forehead was glowing with the Eye of Horus, and his hair blew around wildly. Rainbow-colored cosmic energies rained down upon him, his body sparkling with a bright golden aura.

"Despair dark and gloomy, yet soul burning bright!

Grant me the power to set wrong things right!

Angels of serenity, give me your Light!

Combine with the Darkness, and unleash your full might!"

Yami Goku's body was now glowing with bright-gold power as he unleashed his awesome attack!

"...LIGHTENDARK!"

Releasing a powerful wave of Light and Darkness, Yami Goku's Lightendark decimated the entire army, and almost half of the Military base in a tremendous, blinding, deafening explosion!

Deep in the jungle, Kaolla was wandering aimlessly, totally starving.

"Iiiiii'mmmmm sooooo hhhuuuuuunnnggrrryyyyyyyyyy...!" sobbed Kaolla as she collapsed. "Could this be the end of Kaolla...!"

Back at the battle sight, Yami Goku was drained after using up a great deal of his energy on the Lightendark, but was still standing. Panting, Yami Goku looked up in the air when he heard the sound of an approaching helicopter.

"YOUR ASS IS MINE, YAMI GOKU!" cackled the Helicopter Pilot as he aimed his machine gun at Yami Goku.

"Uh-oh!" said Yami Goku as he ran from the helicopter, several bullets grazing his hair. Finally, Yami Goku decided to attack the helicopter head-on!

"RAGE HELLFIRE FIST!" exclaimed Yami Goku as he struck down the helicopter with his gold glowing fist. The helicopter hit the ground, and since the Helicopter Pilot had just eaten at the local Taco Bell, an explosion with equal ferocity as Yami Goku's Lightendark resulted! Yami Goku managed to escape the blast just in time. The explosion's shock wave also blew Army Men #1, #2, #3, Tama and her aquarium all the way out to where Kaolla had collapsed.

"TAMAGO! You missed me, didn't ya'! I missed you!" said Kaolla as she embraced Tama. The force of the explosion had also killed the three Army Men and destroyed the aquarium.

As Kaolla walked over to a cliff, the flames of destruction burned bright over where the helicopter had crashed. "War...uh...good God, y'all! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing! That's why this world needs a leader like (Land)Lord Keitarazzo!"

Back in the mountainous landscape, Pedroyasu Seta was returning home from his long stay in Japan. He was pleased to see his daughter Meidora running to greet him.

"PAPAAAAAA!" exclaimed Meidora as Seta opened his arms to greet her...

...But instead, Meidora kept on running, right into the arms of her sexy mother.

"Meidora! There you are!" said Seta's sexy wife as she picked up Meidora. "Now let's get home to your new papa!"

"Wha...!" uttered Seta as his sexy wife and daughter literally walked right through him without even seeing him! "HEY! IT'S ME! PEDROYASU!" shouted Seta, but no one heard him.

As Seta watched, his sexy wife and daughter entered the house, only to be greeted by another man.

"Ah, welcome home, Honey!" said Kentarez.

"It's good to be back, Kentarez-sweetie!" smiled Seta's sexy ex-wife.

The door slammed shut.

"B-B-But what about Seta's sexy wife and daughter...!" cried Seta, tears flowing from his eyes like waterfalls again.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Back in the city of H, Mutsumi was just exiting Kaolla's room at Hinata-sou.

"Hmmm...Now that I've spent all night passed out, maybe now I can start searching!" said Mutsumi as she exited the apartment building, while being leered at by Iwatani and Shiraiyoshi along the way.

Fast approaching Hinata-sou was Kaolla, with Tama tied securely to her abdomen.

"Ah, it's good to be back in good ol' H! I'd better get back to HINATA and apologized to (Land)Lord Keitarazzo for my absence!" said Kaolla as she started to walk up the stairs.

"I'm supposed to find Kaolla, but all I've got to go on is this picture..." said Mutsumi as she looked at the weird photo of Kaolla again.

Kaolla was going so fast up the stairs, she did not see Mutsumi walking down them. She zoomed underneath Mutsumi's long legs, causing her to become startled and spin around.

"Yaahhh! Ohhhhh...!" sighed Mutsumi as she fainted again, rolling down the staircase.

"OH, GREAT! WE'VE JUST MET, AND SHE'S ALREADY FAINTED!"

Episode Three: The Sacrificial Lamb of the Venomous Great Escape of Hell

TODAY'S EXPERIMENT... ... ...FAILED

Back in Ken Akamatsu's apartment, we see that Ken has fallen asleep on the floor after watching the so-called B-Movie "Kaolla Saga."

Cue Ending Theme, "Menchi's Bolero of Sorrow So You're Going to Eat Me"

Tama walks up to a microphone in the middle of a spotlight. She adjusts the mike, and starts to sing. As she sings, a woman (let's just say it's Nyamo from the Summer Special) appears in a bubble beside her, and translates Tama's singing. Occasionally during the song, a hand shakes salt down onto Tama.

Starring...

Kaolla Suu as Kaolla Kaolla (Parody of Excel Excel)

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

NYAMO: "I knew, ever since that day..."

Mutsumi Otohime as Mutsumi (Parody of Hyatt)

(TAMA: Myuuhh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuhhh...!)

NYAMO: "...the reason that you had approached me."

Keitaro Urashima as (Land)Lord Keitarazzo (Parody of Lord Ilpalazzo)

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

NYAMO: "Tender and soft..."

Noriyasu Seta as Pedroyasu Seta (Parody of Pedro)

(TAMA: Myuuhh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuhhh...!)

NYAMO: "...that my body is to your tastes."

Tama-chan as Tama (Parody of Menchi)

(TAMA: Myuuuuhh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuhh...myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuhh...?)

NYAMO: "To your hunger-stricken eyes, how does my body seem?"

Negi Springfield as Negi Watanabe (Parody of Touru Watanabe)

Masayuki Haitani as Iwatani (Parody of Norikuni Iwata)

Kimiaki Shirai as Shiraiyoshi (Parody of Daimaru Sumiyoshi)

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

NYAMO: "If you are to eat me, do it in one blow..."

Yami Goku as himself (Parody of Nabeshin)

Botan as Iron Mask/herself (Parody of Tetsuko)

(TAMA: Myuh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuuhhh...)

NYAMO: "...so that the meat does not get hard."

As the song ends and the curtain closes, a hand grabs Tama off the stage.

A YAMI GOKU FQX PRODUCTION

KAOLLA: Ahhh, spring! The one time of year when a man's fancy turns to love! So watch out, 'cause love is gonna getcha in our next episode, called "Love Hena!" Cya! ()

Yami Goku: ...And get your minds out of the gutter!


	4. Love, Puny

Welcome to the fourth pointless installment of Kaolla Saga!

Enjoy!

I don't own anything that isn't mine.

At a lone tree at the park, the adult Kaolla is standing underneath a tree. Sappy, romantic music fills the air.

KAOLLA: He's coming...I know he's going to come! I'll keep waiting here forever, if I have to! Then, I can tell him the secret I have kept from him for so long! 

Kaolla sees someone running towards her. We can easily see that it's Ken Akamatsu.

KAOLLA: There he is! My sweet prince! 

Ken sees Kaolla, and walks up to her. The couple stares into each other's eyes.

KAOLLA: Onegai...tell me the words I have so longed to hear from you!

Ken smiles, and hushes Kaolla with the tip of his finger.

KEN: "I, Ken Akamatsu, do hereby give Yami Goku permission to change his fanfic 'Kaolla Saga' into a WAFFy Romance fic."

KAOLLA: That's exactly what I wanted to hear!

Kaolla bites the end of Ken's finger. The romantic music crescendoes.

KEN: Huh huh huh huh...I'm gonna score...!

Cue Opening Theme, "Love (Loyalty)."

A shot of Kaolla does a 360, then Kaolla falls into Keitarazzo's trap hole. Shortly before the title screen, she emerges with a squid on her head.

QUACK EXPERIMENTAL FUSION

K A O L L A S A G A

A Love Hina/Excel Saga Fusion FanFic by Yami Goku

Episode Four: Love Hena

Kaolla makes several funny faces at the screen.

Kaolla and Mutsumi are lip-syncing to the OT, which is actually being sung by the Excel Girls.

Sore wa ai ja nai... (cough cough) "That isn't love..."

Ai wa sore ja nai... (cough cough) "Love isn't that..."

The girls are singing on a sidewalk.

Aishite iru kedo ai sarete wa inai. "I am in love, but I am not loved."

Several shots that include Mutsumi looking at you, looking the other way, collapsing, and laying on a couch soused to the gills.

Kesshite ai ja nai... (cough cough) "Definitely isn't love..."

Ketsu wa ai ja nai... (cough cough) "Derriere isn't love..."

The girls are singing within the locker room of a men's public bath.

Aisaretai kedo motometari wa shinai. "I want to be loved, but I never seek it out."

Several shots of Tama in different poses, then when Tama sees Kaolla wielding a fork and knife, she acts terrified and withdraws into her shell.

Kono mi sasagete inochi nagedashi. "I offer myself, and throw my life away."

Mutsumi floating in the water.

Wakime mo furazu tada hitasura ni "Looking neither left nor right, I will just earnestly"

Kaolla tries to run off, but two hands restrain her.

Dameshite sukashite yokohairi "Cheat, wheedle, interfere,"

Negi attempting to "initiate a perpetual contract" with Mutsumi, but a giant tentacle snatches him away. Then, three Mutsumi heads appear on the screen, each one a little closer than the last.

Tanin wo fumitaoshi keri wo kamashite! "And trample down and kick strangers!"

Kaolla kicking Negi, Iwatani, and Shiraiyoshi clean into next week!

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) "And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"

Kaolla and Mutsumi running down a long road, with Tama flying along the path.

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) "And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"

(Land)Lord Keitarazzo joins the three. He trips on his cape as he runs, and falls down.

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) "And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"

Kitsune is running across a bridge with a bunch of Liddos.

Tonzora koite...! "And we get the Hell out...!"

Yami Goku and Ken Akamatsu running from the Feds through a tunnel, then off into the sunset.

Banana no kawa de korondemo "Even if I slip on a banana peel,"

Kaolla hanging upside-down from a tree eating a banana, while Mutsumi has slipped on several of Kaolla's banana peels, and is now unconscious on the ground.

Sore wa subete ano kata no tame. "It's all for his sake, anyways."

A giant tiger-like monster that bears a resemblance to Byakko from "Yu Yu Hakusho" pops up in front of Kaolla and Mutsumi, and the two girls assume a fighting pose. Keitarazzo is watching from the background, cowering in fear.

Shiite iu nara sore wa kitto "If anything, that is probably"

Seta being dragged from his bed by The Great Naru of The Macrocosm.

Ai to iu na no chuuseishin! "A kind of loyalty called love!"

Kaolla and Mutsumi in (Land)Lord Keitarazzo's throne room, saluting him.

The "bling!" sound from a GameBoy is heard. Four cute little Yami Goku heads merge into one at the middle of the screen, along with the caption "Yami-Soft" and a cute musical melody.

On the GameBoy screen, a musical introduction plays, which begins with a shot of Kamenabe Middle School. This is followed by several shots of Kaolla, which includes her kissing a boy, and getting dumped by one. The music sounds vaguely like "Sakura Saku," the OT from Love Hina. Finally, the game menu appears.

Lovey-Dovey Hena Love

LOVE HENA

Copy-write 2005 Yami-Soft Inc.

NEW GAME

CONTINUE

"NEW GAME" is selected, and the screen wipes away, changing to an image of Kaolla.

Kaolla Wake up, Keitarazzo-nii-chan! Wake up, or you're going to be late for school!

Keitarazzo Uggh...Just ten more minutes...onegai...?

Kaolla No, get out of bed right now! Sensei said I had to get you out of bed every morning, or you'd oversleep!

Keitarazzo ...(groan)...Just ten more minutes...? Five...? Just five more minutes...?

Kaolla GET UP RIGHT NOW, NII-CHAN! If you're late, you're gonna have to take a million tests! And you want to get into Tokyo U, right?

Keitarazzo AAAAAAAHH! A MILLION TESTS! OH, MY GOD! THAT'S BAD! I'M UP, I'M UP, I'M UP, I'M UP, I'M UP...! WOOOOOAAAAAAHHHH...! (CRASH!)

Screen wipes again, showing Kaolla standing in front of Keitarazzo, dressed in her schoolgirl uniform.

Kaolla You're finally awake! It's just like O-kaa-san said! You clumsily spring out of bed whenever I mention the word "test"! tee-hee! ()

Keitarazzo ... ...You mean...that was all a lie!

Kaolla Yep! tee-hee! ()

Keitarazzo Darn that little gaijin Kaolla! I'm getting tired of these stupid little jokes of hers! IT'S TIME FOR ME TO TAKE A STAND AND...

HIT HER

SCOLD HER

KILL HER

Keitarazzo ...KILL HER! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Kaolla NANI! NII-CHAN, HOW COULD YOU! sob THAT'S TERRIBLE! THAT'S SO OUT OF CHARACTER...!

(BANG!) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK...!

The screen goes black as the opening notes to "The Funeral March" play.

BAD END

Try Again, Baka

As (Land)Lord Keitarazzo sat at his throne playing his new GameBoy game, he stopped and looked up at Kaolla and Mutsumi standing before him.

"HAIL KEITARAZZO!" exclaimed the two girls as they saluted.

"Boy, am I glad to be back, serving (Land)Lord Keitarazzo and the top secret ideological organization of HINATA, which will one day rule the entire Earth!" said Kaolla. "I was held captive in a dungeon in my own home country, enduring many hardships! There was this lady in an Iron Mask, and a Self-Insertion with spikey, three-colored hair! There was a lot of cool death and explosions, too! And did I mention..."

Kaolla continued babbling on while Keitarazzo turned to Mutsumi. "I see that you've successfully accomplished your mission, Mutsumi! Doumo arigatou!"

"Why, dou itashimashite! ()" replied Mutsumi, curtsying cutely.

"Well, aren't we the modest one!" smiled Keitarazzo.

"Oh, uh, who's she, again?" asked Mutsumi, looking at Kaolla, who had quieted down, and was making a weird face while sitting on the floor.

"She's the agent that was missing. She's Agent Kaolla," answered Keitarazzo.

Mutsumi offered to help Kaolla up. "What a surprise! I had no idea that you were my senior, Kaolla-sempai! My name's Mutsumi! ()"

But as soon as Kaolla took her hand, Mutsumi fainted yet again, falling right on top of Kaolla.

"HEY! WHAT THE...! ALL YOU DID WAS TELL ME THAT YOUR NAME WAS MUTSUMI, AND YOU FAINTED AGAIN! WHY THE FUDGE DO YOU KEEP DOING THAT!" screamed Kaolla as she was smothered by Mutsumi's huge tits.

Keitarazzo sighed, and went back to his game...

At the shack in the middle of nowhere, The Great Naru of the Macrocosm was crying her eyes out after finding a note from Seta saying, "Farewell."

"sob cry OH, SETA-SAN!" blubbered Great Naru.

"YAAAGGH!" screamed Yami Goku as he woke up in bed. Upon discovering that he had awoken in a quaint little cabin in the mountains, he just as quickly discovered the secret treasure that the mountains contained...

"Konnichi wa! My name's Téa Gardner! ()" introduced the hot teenage girl with short brunette hair and sapphire-blue eyes. "I've made you some breakfast!"

Yami Goku was silent as he remembered the short-lived romance he had with Botan. "NOOO! THIS IS TAKING MY PRIVILEGES AS A SELF-INSERTION CHARACTER TOO FAR!" he screamed.

"Uh, your breakfast is getting cold!" said Téa.

"I'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE!" Yami Goku screamed, leaping out the window, narrowly missing Liddo #120 beating a futon out.

As Yami Goku ran from his troubles, Téa gave chase. Being a ballet dancer, she could run really fast due to her long, well-developed legs...

Back at a convenience store in H, Negi Watanabe was just finishing his grocery shopping.

"Geez, I could hardly afford a bloody thing in there! Blast this recession! If only I could find a job that paid decently, I could--Huh?" Negi noticed his two roommates, Iwatani and Shiraiyoshi approaching him, with fiendish, zombie-like expressions.

"Raaahhh!" growled Iwatani.

"Hee hee hee...!" "laughed" Shiraiyoshi.

"Wh-Wh-What is wrong with you! Wh-Why are you staring at me with those creepy, glazed expressions...!" shivered a frightened Negi.

Iwatani and Shiraiyoshi grabbed Negi, and dragged him off. Negi screamed and kicked as his two friends dragged him down the sidewalk...

Back in the game, Keitarazzo is now standing outside the school. Mutsumi has her back turned towards Keitarazzo as she chats with a couple other girls.

Keitarazzo Hey! There's my classmate, Mutsumi! Hey, Mutsumi! You want to go on a walk together, or something...?

Mutsumi is now standing facing Keitarazzo, wearing a cute sailor fuku.

Mutsumi Gomen nasai, Keitaro! If I walked with you, people might start spreading (more) bad rumors, about me!

Keitarazzo Oh, okay then...

STALK HER

SEE HER OFF

PUT IT IN

Keitarazzo Hmmmm...

After managed to escape their clutches, Negi was hiding out in an alley.

"pant pant pant What the heck is wrong with those two! Why are they acting like that at a time like this!" panted Negi as he walked deeper into the alley.

As soon as he was good and deep in the alley, something caught his eye...

"gasp It is that girl from yesterday!" exclaimed Negi as he saw Mutsumi laying unconscious on the ground.

TOUCH HER

KISS HER

DO HER

Negi leaned in to kiss Mutsumi, but stopped himself. "IIE! NAUGHTY BOY! NAUGHTY NEGI! IF YOU SEE SOMEONE LAYING ON THE GROUND, YOU SHOULD HELP THEM!"

Mutsumi regained consciousness, and looked at Negi. "What's going on...?"

Negi then noticed Liddo #145 sitting on Mutsumi's shoulder.

"HEY, GET OFF OF HER! SHE IS MINE!" yelled Negi as he whacked the Liddo away with his staff.

"GAAAAGGGHH!" groaned the Liddo as it made an ugly face and exploded in a flurry of stuffing.

"Ohhh...I think I'm feeling a little anemic today. Could you please take me someplace where I can lie down?" asked a weak Mutsumi.

"Why, sure I can! What kind of an English gentleman would I be if I did not help a pretty girl in need! ()" said Negi as he helped Mutsumi stand up. As he led her to a nice place to rest, he smiled lecherously, and began to drool.

A short distance away, Shiraiyoshi was visiting with his Mom and Pop. His Pop was having a heart attack on the floor, while Shiraiyoshi picked up what was happening with Negi with his perfect dog-like hearing.

"Dude...I can actually hear Negi fighting arousal," "said" Shiraiyoshi.

"You're a strange little boy, Shiraiyoshi," said Shiraiyoshi's Mom as Shiraiyoshi's Pop died, and no one cared.

As Mutsumi rested against a tree in the park, the grass and all the nearby flowers died, since they could not compare with her beauty.

Negi walked up to her, after making a purchase at the soda machine.

"Here, I got you a can of juice!" said Negi as he gave the can to Mutsumi, who gladly accepted it. She put it up to her cheek, and felt how relaxingly cool it was.

"Oooh...It feels so good...!" sighed Mutsumi.

Mutsumi's statement ran through Negi's filthy mind, coming back out as "OOOH! OHHH, GOD, YES! YEEESSS! moan OH, IT FEELS SO GOOD!"

"NO NO NO NO NO! BAD NEGI! DIRTY MIND!" yelled Negi, shaking his head.

"Is there anyway I can repay your kindness?" wondered Mutsumi.

"Wellllll...IYA! There is no way...Th-That I can think of right now! whew" blurted Negi. "Yeah...it is only natural to help someone in trouble!"

"OHHHH! MY BACK!" groaned an Old Man.

"AAAAH! MY CONTACT LENS!" screamed a Male Passerby.

"WAAAH! MY BABY'S GONE!" cried an Over-Protective Mother.

"WOULD YOU ALL BE QUIET!" shouted Negi.

Mutsumi looked at Negi and giggled and smiled cutely, making Negi blush and fight a woody.

"I guess miracle encounters like these really do happen!" said Negi, feeling lighter than air.

Back at the Hinata Apartments, Tama was remembering all the good times that she had with those kind Army Men that built her that aquarium, only to be callously killed off.

Close by, Kaolla was feasting on a bag of bread crusts, because that all she could afford at the time.

"munch munch Man, I'm sick of eating nothing but bread crusts all the time!" grumbled Kaolla. "munch munch The nerve of (Land)Lord Keitarazzo kicking me out like that!"

Kaolla's imagination then started to wander...

"KAOLLA'S WILD IMAGINATION"

"HAIL KEITARAZZO!" saluted Mutsumi.

"MYUUHH MYUUUUUHH!" saluted Tama.

"Today, I am proud to introduce the new senior staff of HINATA!" declared Keitarazzo. "First Senior Officer Mutsumi...Senior Officer Bulk Rate Tama...and Lieutenant Plunger and Bucket, filling in for Kaolla!"

"Doumo arigatou, sir! ()" beamed Mutsumi.

Keitarazzo smiled at Mutsumi. "Say, Mutsumi...Do you wanna retreat to my boudoir afterwards? It must be awful hot in that skintight costume." Oddly enough, Keitarazzo's words came out sounding like a casanova's.

Mutsumi blushed bright red. "Why, sure I would! ()"

Keitarazzo stood up. "Aw, the Hell with it! Let's go now!"

"Sure! ()" agreed Mutsumi.

Keitarazzo was somehow able to scoop up Mutsumi in his arms, and they trotted off to his private bedroom to make some sweet whoopy.

END!

"KAOLLA'S WILD IMAGINATION"

"NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! That can't happen! That's ridiculous!" said Kaolla, still worrying about what was going on at HINATA at that moment...

Back in the game, outside of the school building. Kaolla is standing in front of Keitarazzo.

Kaolla Nii-chan! It's time to go home, Nii-chan!

IGNORE

GO HOME

MAKE WHOOPY

Keitarazzo Go home by yourself!

Kaolla But we always walk home together! Every day!

IGNORE

GO HOME

GET JIGGY WIT' IT

Keitarazzo I said "Go home by yourself"!

Kaolla BUT, NII-CHAN...!

Back in his throne room, (Land)Lord Keitarazzo was starting to get a bit frustrated with his game.

Back at Hinata-sou, Kaolla was still recovering from her daydream.

"Why the heck did I have such a realistic daydream! And why was it about Mutsumi! She doesn't deserve more screen time than me!" Kaolla said as she picked up her wooden tiki doll again, which was now affixed with a replica of Keitarazzo's costume, along with his hair and glasses.

"OH, (LAND)LORD KEITARAZZO-SAMA! YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE FOR ME! ILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOU!" cried Kaolla as she rolled around on the floor, fully embracing the doll as if she were in coitus with it, with Tama watching the entire unsuitable-for-children-or-turtles act.

HEPPOKO

JIKKEN

FYUUJON

K A O R A

S A A G A

musical eyecatch

Back in the game.

CONTINUE

QUIT ALREADY

"CONTINUE" is selected, and the screen wipes to the middle of the town, with Mutsumi standing in front of Keitarazzo in a pink sundress.

Mutsumi Where should we go for our first date, Keitaro?

Keitarazzo Hmmm...Someplace that a girl would like...!

AMUSEMENT PARK

DEPARTMENT STORE

GRAVEYARD

Keitarazzo How about the department store?

Mutsumi That's perfect! ()

The screen changes to the department store.

"Yeah! Girls love the department store!" said Keitarazzo as he continued playing.

Keitarazzo And now, let's go to the coffee shop!

The screen changes to a busy coffee shop within the department store. Keitarazzo is now sitting at a table, with Mutsumi across from him.

At the real coffee shop at that time, Negi was having some coffee with the real Mutsumi.

"So, is this coffee shop cool enough?" asked Negi, wanting his girlfriend to be comfortable.

"Hai, it's pretty cool in here, arigatou!" answered Mutsumi.

Negi then decided to ask the question he had been wondering about since the last episode. "So, what is your name? My name is Negi Watanabe."

"Oh...um..." Mutsumi had to think up a name to give this stranger. "My name's...uh...iya...My name is Miss Otohime, right?"

"So, it's 'Miss Otohimeright'?" asked Negi, writing the girl's name down.

"Iie, 'Miss Otohimeright' is wrong!" said Mutsumi.

Negi wrote the name down. "'Miss Otohimerightiswrong'...is that Malaysian?"

"Just call me whatever you like," said Mutsumi.

Negi smiled. "So, I guess I'll just call you 'Otohime-san', okay?"

"That's good enough!" nodded Mutsumi.

After several moments of silence, Negi spoke up. "It's finally nice to meet a beautiful girl like you. I've been cooped with those FREAKIN' CHEAP BASTARDS that are my BLOODY ROOMMATES!"

"Oh..." Mutsumi said.

Negi then struggled to think of a good question for which to use as small talk. " Aquestionaquestionaquestion...I need a good question to ask her! " Negi then thought of one. "So, are you a working girl, Otohime-san?"

"Hai, I am! I was hired yesterday! It's a very nice job, and I have very nice co-workers!" was Mutsumi's answer. "Where do you work, Negi?"

Negi started to shake and perspire. He had no job at all! What was he going to tell her!

"...I-If...I...wh-when...!"

"'Iifu, Ai, and Wauen'? Is that a law firm?" asked Mutsumi.

Negi got even more nervous. "'Ell...you see...!"

"'L.U.C.'? Does that stand for 'Legal Underbinding Contracts'?" asked Mutsumi leaning over the table and forcing Negi onto the floor.

Negi started sputtering out various unstructured words, syllables, and conjunctions as he shook and perspired.

"I'm getting confused...!" said Mutsumi, getting a little too close to Negi for comfort.

Finally, Negi just had to say something!

TELL A LIE

TELL THE TRUTH

GET IT ON

Negi stood up boldly, holding his sword out. "I AM...A CIVIL SERVICE MAGISTER!"

Everyone in the coffee shop stopped and looked at Negi with amazement.

"Wow! It's so nice that you're choosing to help people as a civil service Magister, whatever a 'Magister' is!" marveled Mutsumi.

"Yeah, well they just offered me the job, and I just couldn't say no! (;)" chuckled Negi.

Back at HINATA, (Land)Lord Keitarazzo was still absorbed in his "Love Hena" video game. However, the game had suddenly frozen for no reason.

"Must be a glitch in the game..." said Keitarazzo as he waited patiently for the glitch to clear up.

His patience quickly ran out, as he used what little physical strength he could muster to toss the GameBoy to the floor, cracking the screen.

Back at the real coffee shop, a Waiter and a Waitress were staring at Negi and Mutsumi.

"Geez, have you ever seen someone nurse a cup of coffee this long?" said the Waitress, looking at Mutsumi's coffee cup.

The Waiter looked over at another table. "And those two haven't ordered a single thing at all!"

At that table, right behind Negi, Iwatani and Shiraiyoshi were sitting, zoned out and babbling incoherently. "You go take there orders!" said the Waiter to the Waitress.

"Me! No way!" refused the Waitress.

"Hyuck hyuck hyuck...!" guffawed Iwatani.

"Narf! Poit! Egad!" "exclaimed" Shiraiyoshi.

Negi heard two familiar voices behind his back, so he turned around. "NANI! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING HERE!"

"No reason...! Zort!" "answered" Shiraiyoshi.

Out on the street, Kaolla was walking around, trying to find where Mutsumi might've gone.

"MUTSUMI-CHAN! MUUUTSSUUUMMMIIIII-CHAAAAANN! WHERE ARE YOU! HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY PRECIOUS MUTSUMI-CHAN!" Kaolla called out, throwing around flyers reading "Join The Search To Help Find Mutsumi-chan, So That Kaolla Won't Get Yelled At By (Land)Lord Keitarazzo!"

"HEY! SOMEBODY! HAS ANYONE SEEN A GIRL NAMED MUTSUMI LATELY! MOSHI-MOSHI! AM I SPEAKING JAPANESE, HERE! Uh...PHONE CALL FOR A MISS MUTSUMI! HELLO! MUTSUMI-CHAAAAAN!" Kaolla continued her attempt to get someone's attention, until she was finally trampled by the crowd of low-budget stick-figures that are supposed to represent people.

"What a cold, heartless society...! ()" stated an injured Kaolla.

Kaolla recovered, and continued searching. She eventually found something that she wanted, but wasn't Mutsumi: Food!

"Aha! Food!" exclaimed Kaolla. She ran towards the food stand, but stopped herself. "NO! As a senior officer of HINATA, Kaolla must find Mutsumi before refueling her bodily reserves! Besides, I don't have any money!"

"Free Samples!" shouted the Salesman.

That got Kaolla's attention. "FREE SAMPLES! WOO-HOO! ()"

Kaolla pounced on the tray, and scarfed all that she could.

o/ If you like to shop,

then go shopping some more,

we can go and shop

at the Department Store! o/ o/

Outside of the Department Store, in the back, a Shady Man went up to a back exit and knocked three times. A Man With a Bushy Red Beard answered and peeked out.

"Time flies like an arrow," whispered the Man With A Bushy Red Beard.

"Fruit flies like a banana," responded the Shady Man.

"Welcome in!" greeted the Man With A Bushy Red Beard as he opened the door all the way, letting the Shady Man in.

"So what do you want with me?" asked the Shady Man.

"We have a little assignment for you!" Red Beard pointed at a gift-wrapped package sitting in the corner of the darkened back room. "We need you to deliver that package to a certain little blonde-haired, tanned gaijin girl."

"Eh, sounds easy. I'll do it," said the Shady Man as he picked up the package. "What's the pay?"

"Any amount you desire," answered Red Beard.

"Well, in that case, I'd also like some information. Information on a...certain man...!" said Shady Man.

Red Beard knew what Shady Man wanted. "Hai...I know whom you're talking about. He's a man that has evaded capture many different times."

"And I want him dead or alive, but preferably alive," added Shady Man.

Red Beard nodded. "Hai...you shall receive information on the Legendary Humanoid Self-Insertion...Yami Goku."

"GET AWAY! I DON'T WANT TO BE IN THIS FIC ANYMORE!" cried Yami Goku as he ran through the entire city of H, still running from the sexy 17-year-old girl he met at the cabin out in the mountains.

"At least eat the nice breakfast that I made for you!" shouted Téa as she continued chasing Yami Goku all around the country.

Back in the game, Keitarazzo is standing in front of Mutsumi. The big crack in the screen is still there.

Mutsumi Where do you want to go next, Keitaro?

Keitarazzo Well...

Suddenly, Iwatani and Shiraiyoshi appear on the screen.

Iwatani Hey, Keitarazzo! Flirtin' with the ladies, ne? Can we flirt, too?

Shiraiyoshi "Me too!"

"NANI!" shouted Keitarazzo. "What the Hell is going on! Those're my old junior high school friends, Iwatani and Shiraiyoshi! They can't be part of the game!"

Iwatani So, Mutsumi...What are you doing dating a clumsy dweeb like Keitarazzo? Why don't you date me?

Mutsumi Erm...

Shiraiyoshi "Or me!"

Keitarazzo was frantically pushing buttons. "They won't shut up! They won't go away! I can't make any decisions!"

o/ On the top floor,

of the Department Store! o/ o/

Negi, Mutsumi, Iwatani, and Shiraiyoshi were on the top floor of the Department Store, which the singers already implied.

"Man, talk about Dullsville!" remarked Iwatani.

"If you do not like this place...THEN WHY DID YOU TAG ALONG!" screamed Negi.

"I don't know! I don't know! Just...don't explode! ()" apologized Iwatani.

"I'm afraid I have to agree with Iwatani. This place is totally boring!" "commented" Shiraiyoshi.

"Hey, look at that!" exclaimed Mutsumi as she pointed at a children's ride shaped like a giant bear. "What is that?"

"Hey, I remember these things!" beamed Negi. "You put money in these things, and they move! They are really fun!"

Negi looked at Mutsumi. "I will bet Otohime-san would like to go on one of these!"

"Sure! ()" agreed Mutsumi.

Negi put a coin in the slot, and joined Mutsumi on the ride as it bobbed up and down, and up and down, and up and down...!

"Wheeee! Is this not fun, Otohime-san! ()" asked Negi.

"Hai, it sure is! ()" giggled Mutsumi.

As Iwatani and Shiraiyoshi watched the ride bob up and down, Iwatani looked at Shiraiyoshi. "All this bobbing up and down...it sure brings back memories of my college fraternity parties!"

As Negi got off the ride, Shiraiyoshi pointed at Mutsumi. "Uh, Negi...look at what she's doing!"

"Huh...?" Negi looked at Mutsumi on the ride. She seemed to be really enjoying it...

"pant pant pant pant Ohhh! OHHHHH! OHHH, YESSS! YEEEEESSS! moan gasp pant OH, YES YES YES YES YEEEESSS! moan" Mutsumi cried out in orgasmic glee as she rode the mechanical bear, her magnificent breasts bouncing up and down.

Negi and the others stared at her, speechless. After a short while, Mutsumi let off one last spectacular scream, then passed out again.

"OH, NO! SHE IS OUT LIKE A LIGHT!" cried Negi.

"sniff sniff Do any of you guys smell honey?" "asked" Shiraiyoshi.

"OTOHIME-SAN! WAKE UP!" shouted Negi, shaking Mutsumi.

After ingesting a massive amount of Free Samples, Kaolla was in desperate need of the facilities!

"o/ Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now/ Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go...! o/" sang Kaolla as she spotted a restroom.

"All right! The potty!" Kaolla exclaimed as she ran towards it.

Just before she was able to make it to the restroom, she was stopped by a Short Elderly Man bearing a gift-wrapped package.

"Uh...'For Kaolla Kaolla. From a secret admirer. Love, Secret Admirer'. Here you go!" said the Short Elderly Man as he gave the package to Kaolla, who gladly accepted it.

"Why, doumo arigatou! Gee, I wonder what it could beeeee...? ()" said Kaolla as she took the package into the Women's Lavatory with her.

Back in the game, in the middle of the sidewalk. Keitarazzo is facing Mutsumi, who doesn't look too hot (even though she always is)...

Mutsumi Keitaro, It hurts...I need...that...that...box...!

TAKE HER HOME

TAKE HER TO A HOSPITAL

TAKE HER

Keitarazzo had trouble making a decision, as he paced back and forth in front of his throne.

"This game is ridiculous! What am I supposed to do now!" panicked Keitarazzo.

"WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW!" cried Negi as he carried Mutsumi's unconscious body down the stairs of the Department Store. "WHY DID MY HEALING SPELLS NOT WORK ON HER! Someone up there is playing games with fate, I know it!"

"Chupi!" Liddo #201 appeared at the bottom of the stairs, holding a small sign with the kanji reading "unmei" (fate).

"NO TIME FOR THAT! OUT OF MY WAY!" shouted Negi as he attacked the Liddo with his staff, causing the Liddo to make an ugly face..

"OWWWWW! THAT HURT! WHY YOU WANNA HURT SOMETHING CUTE!" grunted the Liddo before exploding in a flurry of stuffing.

Just then, Mutsumi awoke! "What's going on...?"

Negi was happy! "OTOHIME-SAN, YOU ARE ALL RIGHT! Now, let us get you out of here!"

"I...need to go to the bathroom...It's an emergency...!" said Mutsumi, weakly.

In the back room, the Man With A Bushy Red Beard was snickering at the pure genius of his plan, when the Shady Man appeared at the entrance.

"I...failed...!" were the Shady Man's last words before his neck was snapped!

Red Beard turned around. "Oh-ho! Yami Goku!"

"Red Beard, you're going to be joining Botan-chan very soon!" declared Yami Goku.

"You and what army?" laughed Red Beard.

"AN ARMY OF ONE! HYAAAAHHH!" shouted Yami Goku as he and Red Beard engaged in a mighty brawl.

In the bathroom, Kaolla was just finishing up her business, when suddenly, Mutsumi wandered in.

"Aaaahh! That was refreshing, and--Hey! Mutsumi-chan! There you are!"

"Kaolla-sempai...I...I...that..." was all Mutsumi could say before collapsing on the floor.

"Hey, before you zonk out, I got this present from a very obsessed fanboy out there! Boy, fanboys like him sure are the bomb!"

Kaolla opened the package, and her eyes went wide. "AAAAAAHHH! SPEAKING OF BOMBS, IT'S A BOMB!"

"AAAAHH! IT'S A BOMB! WHAT THE HECK IS A BOMB DOING IN A DATING GAME!" cried Keitarazzo, sweating bullets.

In the game, Mutsumi is lying on the floor, looking at Keitarazzo.

Mutsumi Keitaro...If you truly love me...you'll disarm that bomb...!

Outside of the Ladies' Room, Negi, Iwatani, and Shiraiyoshi were waiting for Mutsumi to finish her business.

"What the Hell is taking her so long?" wondered Negi.

"Maybe she's constipated..." "suggested" Shiraiyoshi.

In the back room, Yami Goku had successfully defeated Red Beard with a Lightendark.

"There! Botan has now been avenged, even though she hasn't really died!"

Back in the lavatory, Kaolla was trying to figure out which wire to cut to disarm the bomb. Was it the red wire, the blue wire, or the green wire?

"Ohhh...Which one do I cut! I don't know anything about disarming bombs! What do I doooo...!"

A sillhouette of a short, wrinkled, pointy-eared green Muppet appeared behind Kaolla.

"Kaolla...Use the Force, Kaolla...Kaolla...disarm that bomb, you will! Yes! Mmmmmm!" spoke the Muppet.

Kaolla looked at the Muppet. "What are you doing here? Who said that you could do a cameo!"

The Muppet slinked off. Kaolla went back to the bomb. "I can do this!"

Kaolla then remembered something she saw in a movie once. "I know! To disarm any bomb, all you have to do is cut..."

Keitarazzo had seen the same movie, too. "THE RED WIRE! IT'S JUST GOT TO BE THE RED WIRE!"

RED

BLUE

GREEN

"...THE RED WIRE!"

(snip!)

Kaolla cut the red wire.

In the game...

Mutsumi Keitaro...I thought that you loved me...

(BOOOOOOOOOOMM!)

The Department Store blew sky-high.

Back at the quaint little house in the mountainous landscape, Meidora was celebrating her birthday with her sexy mother and her new father Kentarez.

"Wow! Its what I've always wanted!" exclaimed Meidora as she unwrapped her present, a brand new Mommy-I-Wet-Myself doll.

"You're welcome, Meidora!" said Kentarez. "Now, let's have some cake! ()"

Kentarez's sexy wife went to get the cake, but did not come back from the kitchen with it.

"Hey, Honey! Where's the cake?" asked Kentarez.

"Kentarez...I can't keep up the charade any longer...sniff...Meidora is not my daughter...!" sobbed Kentarez's sexy wife, collapsing on the floor.

"gasp You mean...?" gasped Kentarez.

"Hai...she's actually my younger sister," said Kentarez's sexy wife.

Kentarez was speechless!

Outside of the house, Seta had been listening in on everything.

"It doesn't make any sense! Meidora...is not my beautiful daughter...but actually my sexy wife's younger sister! I MUST BE INFERTILE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Seta's cry could be heard from miles around.

Back at HINATA...

"A game...a simple, harmless little game for entertainment purposes..." muttered Keitarazzo. "...Who knew that it could've turned out to be something far more deadly...!"

Keitarazzo sat back down, and looked at the "GAME OVER" screen. "Still...!"

CONTINUE

QUIT ALREADY

"CONTINUE" is selected.

"Continue..." spoke the Great Naru of the Macrocosm. "I shall use my divine powers to restore everything to the way it was before...!"

(boink!)

Great Naru restored everything to the way it was before the explosion.

Episode Four: Love Hena

TODAY'S EXPERIMENT... ... ...FAILED

The next morning, at the Hinata Apartments...

"All right! Civil Service Exam, here I come!" exclaimed Negi as he left his apartment room.

Mutsumi walked out of Kaolla's room. "Watanabe Negi-san?"

Negi turned around. "Otohime-san...?"

Mutsumi was silent for a couple moments. "Go get 'em."

"I will!" said Negi as he walked off. At that moment, Kaolla walked out of the room, yawning and with Tama on her head.

... ...OKAY, A LITTLE SUCCESS... ...

Cue Ending Theme, "Menchi's Bolero of Sorrow So You're Going to Eat Me"

Tama walks up to a microphone in the middle of a spotlight. She adjusts the mike, and starts to sing. As she sings, a woman (let's just say it's Nyamo from the Summer Special) appears in a bubble beside her, and translates Tama's singing. Occasionally during the song, a hand shakes salt down onto Tama.

Starring...

Kaolla Suu as Kaolla Kaolla (Parody of Excel Excel)

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

NYAMO: "I knew, ever since that day..."

Mutsumi Otohime as Mutsumi (Parody of Hyatt)

(TAMA: Myuuhh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuhhh...!)

NYAMO: "...the reason that you had approached me."

Keitaro Urashima as (Land)Lord Keitarazzo (Parody of Lord Ilpalazzo)

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

NYAMO: "Tender and soft..."

Naru Narusegawa as Great Naru of the Macrocosm (Parody of Great Will of the Macrocosm)

Noriyasu Seta as Pedroyasu Seta (Parody of Pedro)

Mei Narusegawa as Meidora (Parody of Sandora)

(TAMA: Myuuhh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuhhh...!)

NYAMO: "...that my body is to your tastes."

Tama-chan as Tama (Parody of Menchi)

(TAMA: Myuuuuhh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuhh...myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuhh...?)

NYAMO: "To your hunger-stricken eyes, how does my body seem?"

Negi Springfield as Negi Watanabe (Parody of Touru Watanabe)

Masayuki Haitani as Iwatani (Parody of Norikuni Iwata)

Kimiaki Shirai as Shiraiyoshi (Parody of Daimaru Sumiyoshi)

Kentaro Sakata as Kentarez (Parody of Gomez)

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

NYAMO: "If you are to eat me, do it in one blow..."

Yami Goku as himself (Parody of Nabeshin)

Téa Gardner as herself (Parody of Kumi-Kumi)

Man With A Bushy Red Beard as himself (Not really a parody of anyone)

The Liddo as themselves (Parody of the Puchuus)

(TAMA: Myuh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuuhhh...)

NYAMO: "...so that the meat does not get hard."

As the song ends and the curtain closes, a hand grabs Tama off the stage.

A YAMI GOKU FQX PRODUCTION

KAOLLA: Hey! Yami Goku!

YAMI GOKU: What is it, Kaolla?

KAOLLA: Is it going to be okay?

YAMI GOKU: Is what going to be okay?

KAOLLA: Our next episode?

YAMI GOKU: Maybe! Our readers will have to read it and judge for themselves! So far, this fic has only gotten three reviews at and Our next episode is called "The Interesting Giant Tower!" Really! It's going to be interesting! Is it! Huh! IS IT!

YAMI GOKU: How should I know! I'm on vacation!

Yami Goku (who's not really going on vacation in RL): 


	5. The Interesting Giant Tower

Greetings and feliciations! Hip-hip-hoorah and Tally-ho! Welcome to Episode Five of Kaolla Saga!

Enjoy!

I don't own anything that isn't mine.

YAMI GOKU FQX

presents...

A shot of newspapers moving on that printing press-thingie. Various newspapers spin towards you, each one showing a different headline.

"POLICIES CHANGING REPEATEDLY! WHO IS RESPONSIBLE!"

"EPISODE 5: FANFIC TAKEN DOWN!"

"STUPID NON-REVIEWING FANS ARE TO BLAME!"

"A SHOCK TO ALL!"

A newspaper appears with Ken Akamatsu's writing in it.

KEN (V.O.): "I, the hard-hitting Ken Akamatsu, do hereby give Yami Goku permission to change his 'Kaolla Saga' fanfic into a gripping drama about everyday social problems!"

(STAMP!) KEN AKAMATSU

Cue Opening Theme, "Love (Loyalty)."

A shot of Kaolla does a 360, then Kaolla falls into Keitarazzo's trap hole. Shortly before the title screen, she emerges with a squid on her head.

QUACK EXPERIMENTAL FUSION

K A O L L A S A G A

A Love Hina/Excel Saga Fusion FanFic by Yami Goku

Episode Five: The Interesting Giant Tower

Kaolla makes several funny faces at the screen.

Kaolla and Mutsumi are lip-syncing to the OT, which is actually being sung by the Excel Girls.

Sore wa ai ja nai... (cough cough) "That isn't love..."

Ai wa sore ja nai... (cough cough) "Love isn't that..."

The girls are singing on a sidewalk.

Aishite iru kedo ai sarete wa inai. "I am in love, but I am not loved."

Several shots that include Mutsumi looking at you, looking the other way, collapsing, and laying on a couch soused to the gills.

Kesshite ai ja nai... (cough cough) "Definitely isn't love..."

Ketsu wa ai ja nai... (cough cough) "Derriere isn't love..."

The girls are singing within the locker room of a men's public bath.

Aisaretai kedo motometari wa shinai. "I want to be loved, but I never seek it out."

Several shots of Tama in different poses, then when Tama sees Kaolla wielding a fork and knife, she acts terrified and withdraws into her shell.

Kono mi sasagete inochi nagedashi. "I offer myself, and throw my life away."

Mutsumi floating in the water.

Wakime mo furazu tada hitasura ni "Looking neither left nor right, I will just earnestly"

Kaolla tries to run off, but two hands restrain her.

Dameshite sukashite yokohairi "Cheat, wheedle, interfere,"

Negi attempting to "initiate a perpetual contract" with Mutsumi, but a giant tentacle snatches him away. Then, three Mutsumi heads appear on the screen, each one a little closer than the last.

Tanin wo fumitaoshi keri wo kamashite! "And trample down and kick strangers!"

Kaolla kicking Negi, Iwatani, and Shiraiyoshi clean into next week!

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) "And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"

Kaolla and Mutsumi running down a long road, with Tama flying along the path.

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) "And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"

(Land)Lord Keitarazzo joins the three. He trips on his cape as he runs, and falls down.

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) "And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"

Kitsune is running across a bridge with a bunch of Liddos.

Tonzora koite...! "And we get the Hell out...!"

Yami Goku and Ken Akamatsu running from the Feds through a tunnel, then off into the sunset.

Banana no kawa de korondemo "Even if I slip on a banana peel,"

Kaolla hanging upside-down from a tree eating a banana, while Mutsumi has slipped on several of Kaolla's banana peels, and is now unconscious on the ground.

Sore wa subete ano kata no tame. "It's all for his sake, anyways."

A giant tiger-like monster that bears a resemblance to Byakko from "Yu Yu Hakusho" pops up in front of Kaolla and Mutsumi, and the two girls assume a fighting pose. Keitarazzo is watching from the background, cowering in fear.

Shiite iu nara sore wa kitto "If anything, that is probably"

Seta being dragged from his bed by The Great Naru of The Macrocosm.

Ai to iu na no chuuseishin! "A kind of loyalty called love!"

Kaolla and Mutsumi in (Land)Lord Keitarazzo's throne room, saluting him.

One morning, at the offices of the H Daily News, the Newspaper Editor was having a discussion with the Newspaper Chief.

"WHADDAYA MEAN I CAN'T RUN THESE PHOTOGRAPHS! THEY'RE PERFECT FOR THE STORY WE'RE WORKING ON!"

"Gomen, but unless you get me some evidence to back those up, I can't let you run them!" said the Newspaper Chief.

As the Newspaper Editor walked off grumbling, he listened to the Newspaper Chief give his lunch order to his Female Assistant. "I'll have Ham And Cheese on Whole Wheat, with Pickles, Potato Chips, and a Diet Coke!"

"Right away, sir!" said the Female Assistant.

"Ah, I don't know what we'd do without you here, Ms. Female Assistant! Now, chop-chop!" ordered the Newspaper Chief.

As the Newspaper Editor sat back in his cubicle, he grumbled to himself as he looked over the photographs, all pictures of the same man having lots of fun. He would get the evidence required to back up his photographs...!

"HAAAIILL KEITARAZZOOOOOO!" shouted Kaolla. "How are you doing? I'm doing great! Everyday working for you usually means certain death! But that's just one of the things you've got to expect!"

(Land)Lord Keitarazzo sighed. "Kaolla, you may be hyperactive and dangerous, but at least you're sincere! Now then, our first item on the agenda today is a possible breach of security!"

"Breach of security? What do you mean?" asked Mutsumi.

"I mean these!" Keitarazzo held up a flier with Mutsumi's picture on it that read "Join The Search To Find Mutsumi-chan, So That Kaolla Won't Get Yelled At By (Land)Lord Keitarazzo!"

Kaolla's face melted away. "Oopsie...Those were mine...!"

Just then, there was a knock at the door. Kaolla walked over and answered it. In stepped two young women, one that looked like Kaolla, except taller and with silver hair, and the other was taller, with short red hair and blue eyes.

"Konnichi wa! We saw your flier!" said the one that looked like Kaolla.

"WHO ARE YOU!" asked a surprised Kaolla.

"Me? I'm Kinko Mutsumi!" replied Kinko.

"And I'm Kaolla Amalla!" replied Amalla.

"And we're the--" Before both of them could say who they both were, Kaolla slammed the door shut, and locked it.

Keitarazzo continued. "Anyway, one of the Prime Directives of HINATA is total security! And you violated that Prime Directive, Kaolla!"

"WAAAAH! I'M SOOO SORRY, KEITARAZZO-SAMA! I'LL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES FOR YOU TO FORGIVE ME...!"

Keitarazzo pulled the purple velvet rope, letting Kaolla plummet into the hot spring below. Kaolla continued apologizing as she fell.

Keitarazzo looked at Mutsumi. "Now, then, today's mission is for you to infiltrate City Hall, and dig up some dirt on this city's top officials, and discover their strengths and weaknesses. Then, taking over the city shall be a snap!"

"HAIL KEITARAZZO!" saluted Mutsumi, along with Kaolla, who was still in the hot spring below.

Later that day at the City Hall, Kaolla was in the Ladies' Room, scrubbing the toilets.

"Ah, here I am, scrubbing the toilets in the Woman's Lavatory! Cleaning up a place that literally no man had gone before!" said Kaolla.

Just then, Kaolla heard voices on the other side of the door.

"Uh-oh! Gotta hide!" whispered Kaolla as she dove into one of the stalls.

Two women walked in. One of them was a elderly, short, wrinkled woman, the other one was the Fat Lady Mayor. The two women walked into the stalls, and began to do their business.

"So, is the plan going well, Fat Lady Mayor?" asked the old lady.

"Hai, it is, Kabapu Hina-san!" nodded Fat Lady Mayor.

"Good! I'm sure that an experienced woman like you is well suited to rig next month's elections, and become Mayor!" said Hina, finishing up her business.

"You got that right!" said the Fat Lady Mayor as she exited the stall.

"All right, there shall be further instructions later on!" said Hina, after washing her hands and offering a handshake.

"You got it, Granny...!" said Fat Lady Mayor as she shook Hina's hand.

"Eeeeeerrggh...!" growled a revolted Hina.

THOSE WEIRD OLD MEN THAT HANG AROUND OUTSIDE HINATA-SOU: She forgot to wash her hands!

AFTER GOING TO THE BATHROOM, ALWAYS WASH YOUR HANDS BEFORE SHAKING HANDS WITH SOMEONE! (.\/.+)

After the two women had left, Kaolla felt a little silly. "I guess I really didn't have to hide in here...My feet are all soaked!"

Kaolla then noticed something scrawled on the wall, admist all the doodles and cuss words...

"fumisorisupirepakanishiteraki"

"'fumisorisupirepakanishiteraki'...What's that mean?" pondered Kaolla. "Can't people write coherent messages on stall walls?"

Outside of City Hall, Negi Watanabe was standing in front of the entrance with a determined look on his face.

"This is it! I am going take, and ace that test! It is time for me to become a true Civil Servant Magister!"

Negi marched in, registered with the Receptionist, and went to go wait in line. Negi didn't know it, but his sweetheart Mutsumi was in the building as well...

"Can I get anyone something to drink?" asked Mutsumi as she pushed a giant cart around.

"No thanks," came several voices.

"Did I mention that they're free...?" asked Mutsumi.

Elsewhere in the building, Kaolla was sneaking around, trying not to get caught.

"Man, digging up dirt on city officials is harder than I thought! Where do they even keep dirt on city officials!" said Kaolla.

Kaolla saw the shadow of an approaching woman. "Uh-oh!" she said as she dove into a locker.

After the woman, which was Hina, passed by, Kaolla took a look around at her surroundings. "It sure is hot in here...Hey, what's that?"

Kaolla crawled down a small duct, and found a computer with a Liddo screensaver. "This sure is a weird place for a PC! I wonder what it's for...?"

Kaolla nudged the mouse, revealing the familiar Windows Desktop, decorated with Tama wallpaper.

"Ooh...What's this...?" said Kaolla as she double-clicked on a folder that read "Top Secret!"

A message box came up, which read "ENTER NETWORK PASSWORD. If you enter the incorrect password, you will be blown to little itty-bitty pieces by a big scary laser."

"I gotta think up a password! Think, Kaolla, think...!"

Kaolla then ransacked her brain for a possible password. She then recalled some of the scribbles on the Ladies' Room wall...

"For a good time, call Kenji at..."

Kaolla shook her head. "Iya, not that one..."

"fumisorisupirepakanishiteraki"

Kaolla smiled. "Yeah! That's the one!" Kaolla typed in the password with her toes, then hit Enter. Another message box came up, which read "Password Accepted!"

"YES!" cheered Kaolla.

In the Employee Lounge, Fat Lady Mayor was busy attempting to making out with a handsome, unwilling Male City Official. She noticed Hina approaching, so she threw the Male City Official in the refrigerator to hide him (Kids, don't try that at home!).

"Konban wa, Granny!" greeted the Fat Lady Mayor.

"A good evening to you too, Ms. Fat Lady Mayor," nodded Hina. "Now, for your further instructions. I trust you can use the instructions wisely, and become Mayor? You're really well-suited for the job, Fat Lady Mayor, despite your weakness for young men."

"Hai, I can," said the Fat Lady Mayor.

"Okay, then..." began Hina.

In the Security Office of City Hall, a Security Guard was pounding his pud to a porno film, when the alarm on his computer went off. He zipped himself up, and ran over to check what was going on...

"!WARNING!

The computer's network has become corrupted, either due to a hacker, or a lethal virus. Do you wish to reset? (Y/N)"

"Oh-no! Someone's broken in!" exclaimed the Security Guard as he stared at the Blue Screen of Death. He ran off to go report the problem.

Kaolla was being treated to a list of numbers on the screen. "Ooh, what is this?"

The window's header read "List of Illegal Routing from Budget for Redevelopment of the West Gate."

The Security Guard was running down the hall with the Computer Technician.

"I don't get it! How could the 'fumisorisupirepakanishiteraki' password be bypassed!" said the Computer Technician.

"I told you that 'fumisorisupirepakanishiteraki' wouldn't keep intruders out! You should've listened to me, and protected everything with 'gakusarajennakoniriamumarunakusu'!" said the Security Guard.

The two stopped in front of a locker. "Here, this is the only place we haven't checked yet!" said the Security Guard as he busted down the door, while the Computer Tech busted open the entrance from the other side.

Kaolla continued staring at the list of numerical amounts. "Why, could this be something that a kid my age shouldn't be looking at! It must be dirt on City Officials! Oh, Keitarazzo-sama, I've done it!"

Suddenly, the two ends of the shaft opened up, and two men peered in.

"GOTCHA!" they both shouted.

"Eep!" squeaked Kaolla.

"We've got you now, you hacker!" said the Security Guard as he and the Computer Tech moved in on Kaolla.

Kaolla pulled out a plunger, and prepared to fight her way out of this situation! "I DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING, BUT I'M AFRAID THAT THE TIME HAS COME FOR ME TO DO SO!"

(PLUNGE!)

As the Security Guard lay incapacitated on the floor, Kaolla made a break for it.

In the classroom for Civil Servant training, Negi was sitting and waiting patiently for class to begin. When he sensed someone near him, his eyes wandered over to his left.

"GYAAAAAHHH! WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING HERE!" shouted Negi as he saw Iwatani and Shiraiyoshi sitting in the same room as him.

"Training to become a Civil Servant," answered Iwatani.

"Yeah, we're gonna kick ass as Civil Servants!" Shiraiyoshi "said."

"sigh Must you follow me everywhere I go? (--)" groaned Negi.

Just then, the door opened, and in walked Hina Kabapu, the teacher for this special course.

"HOYAAAAAAHHHH YAAAHHH HUYAAAAAHHH...!" kiaied Hina as she did a flashy entrance, spinning Xena-style through the air, landing on the desk at the head of the room. Unfortunately, she did not take into account that her bones were old and brittle...

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH...!" cried Hina as every bone in her body shattered at once, instantly killing her!

"sigh What a clumsy little...!" growled The Great Naru of the Macrocosm as she revived Hina.

Hina stood on the floor in the front of the class. "Greetings. I am your new teacher, Mrs. Hina Kabapu. Now, you are all trainees to become Civil Servants..."

As Hina blah-blah-blahed about the requirements and duties of being a Civil Servant, Iwatani felt somewhat creeped out by this old lady. "What's with this wrinkled old hag?"

"Eerie, isn't she?" "asked" Shiraiyoshi.

"...Now, you got that?" finished Hina.

"Hai, sensei!" said Negi-tachi.

"Good..." said Hina as he exited the room, her gray hair wig accidentally falling off her head. She quickly picked her wig back up, and put it back on. "You saw nothing!"

HEPPOKO

JIKKEN

FYUUJON

KAORA

SAAGA

(HINA: DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME! YOU SAW NOTHING, DAMMIT!)

"Have you seen her?" asked Security Guard #2.

"Iie, I haven't. Let's keep looking!" said Security Guard #3.

"Right!" agreed Security Guard #2 as he and #3 split up.

Inside the nearby restroom, Kaolla was hiding in a stall. "Oh...can't those two ever give up! ...Hey, what's this...?"

Kaolla noticed something else scribbled on the stall wall.

"Employee Lounge"

"...Ah! This must be a secret clue someone left for me!"

After the class, Negi-tachi were leaving City Hall via the Lobby.

"sigh Why do you two clods always have to follow me everyplace that I go...?" groaned Negi.

"It's simple!" answered Iwatani. Our destinies are linked together by the red string of fate!"

"You idiot! The red string of fate only applies to lovers!" snapped Negi.

Suddenly, someone pushing a giant beverage cart caught Negi's attention...

"gasp OTOHIME-SAN! I did not know that you worked here!" shouted Negi as he ran over to her.

"I don't really work here! This is just a part-time job that I have on the side," said Mutsumi.

As Negi and Mutsumi chatted, Iwatani and Shiraiyoshi felt left out and ignored.

"A part-time job, ne? So, your other job does not pay as well as you had originally hoped?" asked Negi.

"Oh, no, it...pays quite well!" answered Mutsumi. "Anyway, I want to give you this!" Mutsumi handed Negi a small green bottle. "Good luck to both of us on our future careers! ()"

As Mutsumi walked away, Negi looked at the bottle and blushed. "It is the red string of fate! ()"

Shiraiyoshi looked at the bottle. "But it's green."

"I KNOW THAT! I WAS NOT TALKING ABOUT THE BOTTLE!" shouted Negi.

Iwatani grabbed Negi's head, and gave him a noogie. "Ooh! Lover-boy got a little present from his little sweetie-pie! ()"

"GET OFF OF ME!" roared Negi as he threatened Iwatani with his staff.

Neither of them noticed it, but everyone in the Lobby who had taken the green stuff Mutsumi had given them turned green, vomited, and died.

In the Employee Lounge, Fat Lady Mayor was again flirting with a handsome Male Official. "Mmm...When I become mayor, how would you like to have a street named after you?"

"Uhhhh...No thanks! (;)" The Male Official sweatdropped.

Fat Lady Mayor was about to try to bug the Male Official for a big sloppy smacker again, when she was interrupted by a young 14-year-old foreigner girl!

"AAAHH! WHO ARE YOU!" screamed Fat Lady Mayor.

"My name is Kaolla Kaolla, agent of the top secret organization of HINATA, serving (Land)Lord Keitarazzo!" introduced Kaolla. "I saw what you were doing! Having an affair with one of your interns! You ought to resign from office!"

"R-R-Really! I can explain everything...!" stuttered Fat Lady Mayor.

"Shyeah, right! A dishonest lady like you cannot be trusted! You're a cancer upon this fair city! If you have any decency in you, you'll step down as mayor of H!" said Kaolla.

Fat Lady Mayor grinned. "I don't have to step down as mayor...if I can eliminate the only eyewitness!"

Kaolla doubled back out of the room in shock. "NANI!"

Fat Lady Mayor walked closer to Kaolla. "Heh heh heh...How would you like to try on some pretty cement shoes, then go for a swim in the river...?"

"G-G-GET AWAY FROM ME...!" screamed Kaolla as she ran off again.

A short time later in the Real Mayor's office, Hina was having a discussion with the Real Mayor.

"You've done a real good job while in office, Real Mayor," congratulated Hina.

"Doumo arigatou, Hina," acknowledged Real Mayor, "So, how's your little 'defense squad' plan going?"

"Very nicely," answered Hina, "This city'll have the best protection that I can give it!"

"Ooh, so I basically can sit back and do nothing!" beamed Real Mayor.

"Iie, not really. You'll still have shitloads of paperwork to do," said Hina.

"Crap..." groaned Real Mayor.

"WHERE ARE YOU!" shouted Security Guard #4, outside the Women's Lavatory.

"GET OUT HERE AND PAY YOUR TAXES!" shouted Female Official #2, also from outside the Women's Lavatory.

Inside the Ladies' Room stall, Kaolla was hiding yet again.

"You know, I'm really starting to grow quite fond of this place...BUT I MUST NOT GIVE UP ON MY QUEST!" exclaimed Kaolla. "COME ON, SCRIBBLES ON THE WALL! BESTOW UPON ME MORE WISDOM!"

Kaolla searched the stall wall for more infomation, but all she found was:

"I have learned too much! I'm going to be killed! LET ME OUT OF HERE!"

"Oh, that's just great!" groaned Kaolla as she exited the stall, only to find herself face-to-face with a group of Green Vomiting Zombies!

"OH, GODS! AND I JUST CLEANED THAT FLOOR, TOO!" wailed Kaolla.

One of the Green Vomiting Zombies lunged for Kaolla, who instantly made a break for it!

As Kaolla bolted down the hallway from the pursuing Green Vomiting Zombies, she caught the attention of several City Officials, one of them being the Fat Lady Mayor!

"HEY! GET HER!" shouted Fat Lady Mayor.

At the mysterious locker that Kaolla had discovered, Mutsumi had curiously wandered into the tunnel after seeing the glow of the computer screen.

"Oooh...Could this be useful information? ()" said Mutsumi as she watched the numbers fly up the screen. "Maybe I'll go ask Kaolla-sempai for advice," said Mutsumi as she exited the tunnel, not aware that she had activated an E-mail program...

"I'M RUNNING!" screamed Kaolla as she ran from the City Officials, who were in turn being pursued by the Green Vomiting Zombies.

"WE'RE CHASING!" screamed the City Officials as they chased Kaolla down the hall.

At his desk, the Newspaper Editor was sulking, when the "You've Got Mail!" voice chimed.

"This better not be more spam!" said the Newspaper Editor as he opened up the E-mail.

"Wha...? HEY! LOOK AT THIS!" he shouted as he read the header of the enclosed document...

"List of Illegal Routing from Budget for Redevelopment of the West Gate"

The Newspaper Chief grinned. "You've done it, Newspaper Editor! Stop the presses! This is going on Page One!"

"OHH, WHERE'S ANOTHER ONE OF MY CREATIVE GADGETS WHEN YOU NEED ONE...!" panicked Kaolla as she ran from the City Officials and Green Vomiting Zombies.

As Kaolla ran by, Mutsumi noticed her. "Hey! Kaolla-sem--uuuggh...!"

Mutsumi fainted yet again.

In the Real Mayor's office, Hina was still chatting with the Real Mayor.

"You know, Real Mayor, there are a few...incompetent bakas on your staff that need to go!" said Hina.

"You mean my Vice Mayor and Personal Fitness Trainer?" asked Real Mayor.

"Hai. A good woodsman has to clear out all the trees before he can build anything good!" answered Hina.

"Ohh, doumo arigatou, Ma'am! I'll get to work on writing out their pink slips right away!" nodded Real Mayor as he started to dig through his desk.

When the door to his office swung open, Real Mayor looked up. "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!"

"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO I AM!" shouted Kaolla. "YOU'VE JUST BEEN ACCUSED OF RE-ROUTING FUNDS FROM THE BUDGET!"

"Re-routing funds from the budget! That's poppycock!" said Real Mayor as he pressed the "special button."

The "special button" sent a signal to City Hall's "Crush, Kill, Destroy" Department, causing one of its Computer Workers to transform into...THE MIGHTY CHIMONO THE BEAST SOLDIER!

"GROAAAAAAAAARRR!" roared Chimono as he smashed his computer, and ran to go respond to the situation at hand in the Real Mayor's office...

Back in the Real Mayor's office, the small army of City Officials, along with the Fat Lady Mayor, that was chasing Kaolla came through the door, knocking Kaolla out of the way!

"There she is! That's the girl that hacked into our computer system!" pointed out City Official #1.

"Punish her greatly!" said City Official #2. "...Oh, hi, Grandma!" City Official #2 noticed Hina looking out the window.

"You deal with her. Whoever does so first, shall be the next mayor!" said Hina.

The three City Officials then fought over who got to kill Kaolla.

"I want to be the next mayor!" shouted City Official #1.

"Iie, I'm going to be the next mayor!" responded City Official #2.

"You're both nuts! It's me that's going to be the next mayor!" declared City Official #3.

"What's going on! I though I was chosen as the next mayor of H, Hina!" wondered Fat Lady Mayor.

As the three were bickering, Chimono the Beast Soldier came smashing through the window, landing on the desk!

"gasp It's Chimono the Beast Soldier! Poor Computer Worker!" cried City Official #1.

"GROOOOAARR!" growled Chimono.

"Chimono, KILL THEM ALL!" ordered Hina. "AND ESPECIALLY KILL THE GIRL!"

Chimono snarled defiantly, and cleaved Real Mayor's head clean off with his Axe of Despair!

"OH, MY GOD! IT'S OUT OF CONTROL!" screamed City Official #2 as Chimono charged towards them.

Luckily, all three City Officials and Fat Lady Mayor ran off just in the nick of time!

As Chimono was on its rampage, Kaolla had been hiding behind the couch praying.

"Dear God, if I don't get out of here alive, tell (Land)Lord Keitarazzo that I really, really, really...!"

"Hey! Little Girl!" shouted Hina.

"Huh?" Kaolla peaked out from behind the couch.

Hina pulled out what appeared to be some sort of rope and hook from a utility pack on her belt. "It's been nice meeting you...Oh, no, wait! It hasn't! Anyway, I have a feeling that we'll meet again sometime in the near future! Sayounara!"

With that, Hina swung the hook around, and tossed it, causing the hook to snag onto another tall building. She grabbed a firm hold on the rope, and made her escape!

"Oh, great! I'm all alone with this beast!" said Kaolla as she tried to sneak out. Her attempt failed, as Chimono ran over to her, and raised his Axe of Despair over his head!

"Hey, look! A busty, green-haired news reporter!" shouted Kaolla, pointing in the opposite direction.

"Rrrgh...?" Chimono growled, looking in the same direction.

"PSYCHE!" exclaimed Kaolla as she made it to the door. But as soon as she got there, she was confronted by the army of Green Vomiting Zombies!

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKK! OH-NOOOOOOO...!"

Fat Lady Mayor and the three City Officials were running as hard as they could from the office, when all of a sudden, Fat Lady Mayor slipped on a puddle of green slime!

"WOOOAAAHH...!" cried Fat Lady Mayor as she slid into someone lying on the floor.

"Huh...?" Fat Lady Mayor looked at who she had slid into. It was a brown-haired woman lying on the floor unconscious!

"AAAAAAAAHHH! IT'S A DEAD GIRL! RUUUUUNN!" screamed Fat Lady Mayor as she and the three City Officials continued running, even more panicked.

An army of Newspaper Writers stormed out of the next-door H News offices, and into the City Hall.

"LET'S GO GET THE DIRT ON THEM! MAKE THEM COUGH EVERYTHING UP!" shouted the Newspaper Editor as he led his troops into City Hall, which was already jam-packed with Green Vomiting Zombies. The Green Vomiting Zombies got so agitated when the City Hall became invaded, they all exploded at once! The entire City Hall became flooded with green vomit, blood, and organs, drowning everyone inside!

...Except for Kaolla and Mutsumi, that is. Kaolla managed to fend her way through the horde of Green Vomiting Zombies, scoop up Mutsumi, and leave, not without getting a little green gunk on her and Mutsumi.

As the Great Naru of the Macrocosm saw the green ichor gushing out of City Hall, plus all the dead people inside, she knew that she had to intervene.

"EEEEW! Green Vomiting Zombies! How disgusting! I shall use my divine powers to restore everything to the way it was before!"

Great Naru began to dry up the slime, and restore the lives of everyone inside City Hall.

"Be reborn, all those who lost their lives! May love and peace be in your hearts forever! Love and peace! Love and peace! Love and peace! Love and peace! Love and peace! Love and peace...!"

"MR. S FROM LAST TIME..."

Back at the quaint little house in the mountainous landscape, Meidora was celebrating her birthday with her sexy mother and her new father Kentarez.

"Wow! Its what I've always wanted!" exclaimed Meidora as she unwrapped her present, a brand new Mommy-I-Wet-Myself doll.

"You're welcome, Meidora!" said Kentarez. "Now, let's have some cake! ()"

Kentarez's sexy wife went to get the cake, but did not come back from the kitchen with it.

"Hey, Honey! Where's the cake?" asked Kentarez.

"Kentarez...I can't keep up the charade any longer...sniff...Meidora is not my daughter...!" sobbed Kentarez's sexy wife, collapsing on the floor.

"gasp You mean...?" gasped Kentarez.

"Hai...she's actually my younger sister," said Kentarez's sexy wife.

Kentarez was speechless!

Outside of the house, Seta had been listening in on everything.

"It doesn't make any sense! Meidora...is not my beautiful daughter...but actually my sexy wife's younger sister! I MUST BE INFERTILE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Seta's cry could be heard from miles around.

As Seta walked down the road, 100 depressed, he ran into a young woman with purple hair, brown eyes, and wearing a dark cloak.

"Pardon me, ma'am, but can you help me...?" asked a desperate Seta.

"GAGADFSKODNCODNFDNCIWDISDIOINOSDCNSNISNCSCOSMNCOSKCA!" answered that girl.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I CAN'T UNDERSTAND HER!" cried Seta as he ran off.

Back at the HINATA base, Kaolla and Mutsumi had just gotten back from their mission, and were once again standing in the presence of (Land)Lord Keitarazzo.

"sniff sniff Eew! Both of you smell pretty ripe! Where'd you go? A landfill!" asked Keitarazzo, holding his nose.

Suddenly, there was another knock on the door, and two familiar heads popped in again, Kinko Mutsumi and Kaolla Amalla.

"Konban wa!" greeted Amalla.

"We heard that you're looking for new band members!" said Kinko.

Kaolla was about to rush over and slam the door shut, but Keitarazzo pulled the purple velvet rope again, letting Kaolla drop into the hot springs again.

"Come in, and we'll talk! ()" said Keitarazzo as he invited the two ladies in.

"Well...at least I'm clean...!" said Kaolla, down in the hole.

Several miles below the Earth's crust, Hina Kabapu and her board of goons were plotting their next move in their secret underground base. Hina was talking with someone on the phone.

"...Uh-huh...Hai...Yeah, you get Professor Kobe to work on that right away...okay...yeah...Sayounara!" Hina hung up, and smiled evilly.

"Heh heh heh...This is going to be one saaaafe city...!"

Episode Five: The Interesting Giant Tower

TODAY'S MISSION... ... ...FAILED

On a beach on some obscure Pacific island, a familiar man with five-spiked hair is sitting on a beach, underneath a parasol and drinking a Cherry Coke. He sings to himself as he stares at the blue sky and rolling waves.

YAMI GOKU: o/ Huh, My name is, (what?) My name is, (who?) My name is... (chiki-chiki-chiki) ...Yami Goku/ Huh, My name is, (what?) My name is, (who?) My name is... (chiki-chiki-chiki) ...Yami Goku/ Huh, My name is, (what?) My name is, (who?) My name is... (chiki-chiki-chiki) ...Yami Goku/ Ya - mi Go - ku's, sittin' on the beach drinkin' ice cold Cherry...sip...Coke...and everything is feelin' right/ Oh yeah, oh yeah ... o/ o/

TODAY'S YAMI GOKU... ... ...ON VACATION!

Cue Ending Theme, "Menchi's Bolero of Sorrow So You're Going to Eat Me"

Tama walks up to a microphone in the middle of a spotlight. She adjusts the mike, and starts to sing. As she sings, a woman (let's just say it's Nyamo from the Summer Special) appears in a bubble beside her, and translates Tama's singing. Occasionally during the song, a hand shakes salt down onto Tama.

Starring...

Kaolla Suu as Kaolla Kaolla (Parody of Excel Excel)

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

NYAMO: "I knew, ever since that day..."

Mutsumi Otohime as Mutsumi (Parody of Hyatt)

(TAMA: Myuuhh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuhhh...!)

NYAMO: "...the reason that you had approached me."

Keitaro Urashima as (Land)Lord Keitarazzo (Parody of Lord Ilpalazzo)

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

NYAMO: "Tender and soft..."

Naru Narusegawa as Great Naru of the Macrocosm (Parody of Great Will of the Macrocosm)

Noriyasu Seta as Pedroyasu Seta (Parody of Pedro)

Mei Narusegawa as Meidora (Parody of Sandora)

Tama-chan as Tama (Parody of Menchi)

(TAMA: Myuuhh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuhhh...!)

NYAMO: "...that my body is to your tastes."

Negi Springfield as Negi Watanabe (Parody of Touru Watanabe)

Masayuki Haitani as Iwatani (Parody of Norikuni Iwata)

Kimiaki Shirai as Shiraiyoshi (Parody of Daimaru Sumiyoshi)

(TAMA: Myuuuuhh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuhh...myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuhh...?)

NYAMO: "To your hunger-stricken eyes, how does my body seem?"

Kentaro Sakata as Kentarez (Parody of Gomez)

Amalla Suu as Kaolla Amalla (Parody of Excel Kobayashi)

Kinko Himura as Kinko Mutsumi (Parody of Mikako Hyatt)

Yami Goku as himself (Parody of Nabeshin)

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

NYAMO: "If you are to eat me, do it in one blow..."

Grandma Hina as Hina Kabapu (Parody of Mr. Kabapu)

Chimono the Beast Soldier as himself (Parody of Yamazaki From Accounting)

? as...uh...that girl... ...

(TAMA: Myuh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuuhhh...)

NYAMO: "...so that the meat does not get hard."

As the song ends and the curtain closes, a hand grabs Tama off the stage.

A YAMI GOKU FQX PRODUCTION

KAOLLA: What does a ski resort remind you of? Skiing? Breaking all the bones in your body? Freezing half to death? Something's ought to happen like that in our next episode, "The Cold is Winter! The Snowed-Under Episode!" Oh, and there's going to be a new character, too...!

Yami Goku (who's not really on vacation, but wishes he was): 


	6. The Cold is Winter! The SnowedUnder Epis...

Hola! Welcome to Episode Seis of Kaolla Saga! Sorry for the long wait! When you're finished, please Read & Review!

Enjoy, mi amigo!

I don't own anything that isn't mine.

Scene: An Arctic terrain, with ice-covered mountains every which way you look. We see Kaolla hanging from a mountain bundled up tight, in both coats and rope that she was using to climb the mountain.

KAOLLA: HEEELLLLOOOOOOO! RIIIICOLAAAAAAAAAA! A LITTLE HELP HEEERREE!

A voice echoes back, it's Ken Akamatsu's.

KEN: YAMI GOKU HAS MY PERMISSION!

KAOLLA: TO WHAT! TO RESCUE ME!

KEN: IIE! HE HAS MY PERMISSION TO CHANGE HIS "KAOLLA SAGA" FANFIC INTO A SURVIVAL DRAMA!

KAOLLA: THAT'S IT! I COULD USE A LITTLE HELP OVER HERE! SOMEONE GET ME A HELICOPTER, OR AT LEAST A--

Someone cuts the rope holding Kaolla up, and she plummets all the way down.

KAOLLA: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh... ... ... ... ...!

We pan up to Ken Akamatsu and Liddo #359. The Liddo was obviously the one who had cut the rope with a pair of scissors.

KEN: Good job, widdo fwuffy-kins! Here, have a wowwie-pop!

Ken sticks a lollipop in the Liddo's mouth. The Liddo doesn't seem to like it, and he makes an ugly face.

LIDDO: Kiss my furry yellow ass!

Cue Opening Theme, "Love (Loyalty)."

A shot of Kaolla does a 360, then Kaolla falls into Keitarazzo's trap hole. Shortly before the title screen, she emerges with a squid on her head.

QUACK EXPERIMENTAL FUSION

K A O L L A S A G A

A Love Hina/Excel Saga Fusion FanFic by Yami Goku

Episode Six: The Cold is Winter! The Snowed-Under Episode

Kaolla makes several funny faces at the screen.

Kaolla and Mutsumi are lip-syncing to the OT, which is actually being sung by the Excel Girls.

Sore wa ai ja nai... (cough cough) "That isn't love..."

Ai wa sore ja nai... (cough cough) "Love isn't that..."

The girls are singing on a sidewalk.

Aishite iru kedo ai sarete wa inai. "I am in love, but I am not loved."

Several shots that include Mutsumi looking at you, looking the other way, collapsing, and laying on a couch soused to the gills.

Kesshite ai ja nai... (cough cough) "Definitely isn't love..."

Ketsu wa ai ja nai... (cough cough) "Derriere isn't love..."

The girls are singing within the locker room of a men's public bath.

Aisaretai kedo motometari wa shinai. "I want to be loved, but I never seek it out."

Several shots of Tama in different poses, then when Tama sees Kaolla wielding a fork and knife, she acts terrified and withdraws into her shell.

Kono mi sasagete inochi nagedashi. "I offer myself, and throw my life away."

Mutsumi floating in the water.

Wakime mo furazu tada hitasura ni "Looking neither left nor right, I will just earnestly"

Kaolla tries to run off, but two hands restrain her.

Dameshite sukashite yokohairi "Cheat, wheedle, interfere,"

Negi attempting to "initiate a perpetual contract" with Mutsumi, but a giant tentacle snatches him away. Then, three Mutsumi heads appear on the screen, each one a little closer than the last.

Tanin wo fumitaoshi keri wo kamashite! "And trample down and kick strangers!"

Kaolla kicking Negi, Iwatani, and Shiraiyoshi clean into next week!

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) "And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"

Kaolla and Mutsumi running down a long road, with Tama flying along the path.

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) "And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"

(Land)Lord Keitarazzo joins the three. He trips on his cape as he runs, and falls down.

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) "And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"

Kitsune is running across a bridge with a bunch of Liddos.

Tonzora koite...! "And we get the Hell out...!"

Yami Goku and Ken Akamatsu running from the Feds through a tunnel, then off into the sunset.

Banana no kawa de korondemo "Even if I slip on a banana peel,"

Kaolla hanging upside-down from a tree eating a banana, while Mutsumi has slipped on several of Kaolla's banana peels, and is now unconscious on the ground.

Sore wa subete ano kata no tame. "It's all for his sake, anyways."

A giant tiger-like monster that bears a resemblance to Byakko from "Yu Yu Hakusho" pops up in front of Kaolla and Mutsumi, and the two girls assume a fighting pose. Keitarazzo is watching from the background, cowering in fear.

Shiite iu nara sore wa kitto "If anything, that is probably"

Seta being dragged from his bed by The Great Naru of The Macrocosm.

Ai to iu na no chuuseishin! "A kind of loyalty called love!"

Kaolla and Mutsumi in (Land)Lord Keitarazzo's throne room, saluting him.

At the International Airport in the city of H, Yami Goku was just returning from his vacation in beautiful Hawaii, and was having an argument with a flight attendant who was just as beautiful.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T CALL YOU 'BABE'! YOU ARE A BABE!" shouted Yami Goku.

"I don't like being called a 'babe'. It demeans us both," answered the Flight Attendant as she walked off. Yami Goku sighed as he went to go get his luggage.

Another person emerged from a different gate, this one a woman. The camera pans upwards, starting from her behind, then up to her chest.

"Hey, why are you stoppin' there?" asked the woman.

The camera went up to her face, which was digitally censored.

"Oh, no! I'm not a Hentai star, but I see how you could've made that mistake!"

Her face cleared up, revealing a busty young woman with short dirty-blonde hair with a cowlick, and squinty eyes.

PROFILE

Mitsune Matsuya

Gender: Female

Age: 20

Description: Cunning and crafty, talks with a Kansai accent, prefers to be called "Kitsune."

"Oh, you're just flatterin' me! There's no need for that! ()" said Kitsune as she went for her own luggage.

"Ahhh!" sighed Iwatani as he stood in front of City Hall. "What a great day for us to be Civil Servants! ()"

Negi looked at Iwatani funny. "He is sure excited about this! It is like it's the Super Bowl!"

"He's a real eager beaver!" "said" Shiraiyoshi.

"LET'S GO IN THERE AND BE THE BEST DAMN CIVIL SERVANTS THAT WE CAN BE!" exclaimed Iwatani, striking a dynamic pose before marching into the building. Negi and Shiraiyoshi followed close behind him.

Iwatani marched down the hall, entering the first room he saw, thinking that his destiny laid in the room at the end of a long hallway.

"EEEEEEEEEEKKK!"

...But it didn't. He had marched right into the Women's Locker Room! After being pummeled by ten angry women, attempted to crawl out and being dragged back in again for more pummeling, he crawled out and caught up with Negi and Shiraiyoshi, who had already found the correct room.

"Okay, here is the room that we have been assigned to!" said Negi as he opened the door. The three men walked in, finding themselves in a completely empty room!

"Nice expansive layout..." "commented" Shiraiyoshi, before noticing a piece of paper on the floor. He walked over and picked it up, and Negi grabbed it and read it.

"The first day shall be used for basic training," read Negi. "Basic training...I will do whatever it takes...! sigh" Negi's eyes glazed over as he began to daydream, his dream appearing in a cloud above his head...

"I have taken this job in City Security just for you, Otohime-san..." said Negi to Mutsumi, in his dream.

"Oh, Negi! You're so brave!" said Mutsumi.

"I would do anything to protect you, Otohime-san. I would even give my own life for you," spoke Negi.

"OHHHH, NEGI!" cooed Mutsumi.

Iwatani got frustrated, and tore down Negi's dream balloon, and stomped on it.

"AAAAAHH! MY DREAM!" cried Negi.

In the "throne room" of the organization of HINATA, (Land)Lord Keitarazzo was briefing Kaolla and Mutsumi.

"Okay, so last night's plan was kind of a success," said Keitarazzo, "But the ignorant masses somehow failed to realize that HINATA's ideals are downright brilliant! Okay, you can salute me now, if you want to."

"HAIL KEITARAZZO!" saluted Kaolla.

Mutsumi was laying in a hospital bed, severely weakened from last night's ordeal with the Green Stuff. "Hail...Kei...tarazzo...! cough" she weakly saluted.

"Tell me, Kaolla, what's the main thing that HINATA needs in order to take over this city?" asked Keitarazzo, looking at Kaolla.

"Ummmmmmmmmmm...Money?" guessed Kaolla.

"Iie," Keitarazzo shook his head. "Mutsumi?"

"Uhhhhh...ummmm...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... ... ..." gasped Mutsumi as she passed out again.

"D'OH! NOT AGAIN!" Kaolla growled as she slapped Mutsumi, waking her up.

"...Oh! Resources?" was Mutsumi's guess.

"Yeah, that's right! HINATA needs a lot of resources!" nodded Keitarazzo.

"YEAH! RESOURCES! THAT WAS GOING TO BE MY NEXT GUESS! RESOURCES! HINATA NEEDS LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF RESOURCES!" screeched Kaolla, starting to get hyperactive again. "AS A GREAT AMERICAN MAN ONCE SAID--YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH... ... ... ...!" (splash!)

Keitarazzo dumped Kaolla down the trap hole, causing her to fall into the hot spring again.

"I really ought to check Kaolla's caffeine intake..." noted Keitarazzo.

As Negi-tachi were driving towards where they would be training, Negi and Shiraiyoshi were beginning to get suspicious of Iwatani's navigational prowess.

"Dude, are we there yet?" "asked" Shiraiyoshi.

"Iwatani, do you even know where we are going?" asked Negi. "I think we are lost!"

"Trust me, guys! I'm an excellent driver!" swore Iwatani. "We're not lost!"

"Then why does that sign say 'Welcome to Uzbekistan'?" pointed out Negi.

"... ...Okay, maybe we're a little lost...! (;)" chuckled Iwatani as he turned the car around.

Up in the cold mountains, Kaolla was busy panning for gold.

"Oh, hi, everyone!" beamed Kaolla, waving at you. "Me and Mutsumi-chan are up here panning for gold! Of course, there's no record of gold ever being discovered on the mountain, but they probably just weren't looking hard enough! We've just got to find some gold, because (Land)Lord Keitarazzo wants us to find resources!"

Keitarazzo's image appeared in the sky. "Resources! We need resources! Kaolla, gimmie some resources!" he spoke before disappearing.

Kaolla looked at Mutsumi swimming in the water, looking pale and weak. "I just wish that Mutsumi-chan would swim a little more energetically!"

"Kaolla-sempai...if we don't find any resources here...we'll freeze to death in the very very very very very very very very... ... cough ... ...very cold water...!" whispered Mutsumi, on the verge of passing out again.

A short distance away, Tama was slowly trekking through the freezing white snow, too cold to fly.

"Myuuuh...!" groaned Tama as she collapsed, and started having hallucinations...

"HELLO, FOOD!" snarled a demonic Kaolla as she drooled at the sight of Tama.

"Mmmmm! You look so delicious! ()" smiled a semi-demonic Mutsumi.

"Myuh! Myuh!" Tama slapped herself twice, clearing the hallucinations from her head.

"Myuuuhh..." sighed Tama as she looked at the large expanse of mountains ahead of her.

Back at the lodge, Kaolla and Mutsumi had just returned from their gold-searching journey.

"We're back!" they both said in unison to the Lodge Manager.

"Ah, good! It's about time!" said the Lodge Manager. "So, did you find any gold?"

"No, we didn't!" said Kaolla. "We looked high, low, left, right, and diagonally, but not a speck of gold was to be found! (Land)Lord Keitarazzo's not going to like this, nosireebob!"

The Lodge Manager went and got something from another room. "Well, then...I have a special assignment for you!" Lodge Manager handed Kaolla a bunch of rifles and ammunition. "I want you to go hunt some wild game! The fridge is getting kind of empty here!"

"Hunt...some wild game...!" said Kaolla. "As in...kill wild animals...!"

"Yep! Now get moving!" ordered the Lodge Manager.

Some distance away, the car carrying Negi, Iwatani, and Shiraiyoshi had stalled in the middle of nowhere.

"Aaaarggh! I told you that ¥1,000 worth of gas would not be enough!" growled Negi.

"Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch!" said Iwatani. "Your constant 'tude won't put gas in this tank!"

"I'm hungry..." "complained" Shiraiyoshi.

"Hey, I am, too!" said Negi. "Fortunately, I bought this stick of gum at the gas station!" Negi held up a stick of chewing gum.

"gasp! JUICY FRUIT!" shouted Iwatani and Shiraiyoshi as they tackled Negi, causing him to drop the pack of gum into a rain gutter.

"AW, BLOODY HELL! LOOK AT WHAT YOU LITTLE CLODS DID!" screamed Negi. "Hey, who's that...?" Negi's attention was caught by a familiar old lady sleeping in the middle of the street.

"Hey! Isn't that our new boss, Hina Kabapu!" said Iwatani.

"Why, I believe it is! HEY! GRANDMA!" shouted Negi, waking Hina up. Hina stood up, and looked at her employees.

"Ahhhh! Sleeping on the street may be dangerous, but it sure is good for the back!" remarked Hina.

Negi then realized something. "HEY! WAIT A MINUTE! If you are here, then that must mean...!"

Hina nodded. "Hai! You made it!"

Negi-tachi looked to the side, and noticed the building where they were supposed to go.

"D'OH!" grunted Negi at his and his friends' stupidity.

Just then, a woman walked out of the building, and noticed that the new recruits had just arrived.

PROFILE...

"I said that there's no need for that! ()" said Kitsune.

Kitsune looked at Negi-tachi. "So, are these the new recruits? God, they look like such losers! Anyway, I'm Mitsune Matsuya, but I'd prefer it if you'd call me Kitsune! ()"

As Kitsune walked back into the building, Iwatani and Shiraiyoshi were blushing and drooling.

"sigh Ecchi bakas...! (--)" sighed Negi.

Back up in the mountains, Kaolla was out in the wilderness again, hunting for wild game in the forest.

"Ohhh...How am I ever going to kill a defenseless, wild animal! Especially when I can see the glimmer of innocence in their kawaii little eyeballs!" said Kaolla as she was concealed inside a bush.

Suddenly, an animal came from out of nowhere, catching Kaolla's attention!

"HEY! THERE'S SOMETHING!"

(BANG!)

"MMYYYYYYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHH...!" cried the animal, which turned out to be Tama!

"OH, MY GODS! TAAAAAAAAMMMAAAAAGOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Kaolla as she leapt out of the bush to tend to her wounded onsengame friend.

"sniff GOMEN NASAI, TAMAGO!" cried Kaolla. "I'LL GET HELP! THINGS ARE GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT...!"

HEPPOKO

JIKKEN

FYUUJON

K A O R A

S A A G A

Kaolla walks up to the Great Naru of The Macrocosm, carrying a bleeding and mewling Tama.

KAOLLA: Uh, Naru-chan, could you heal Tama? I accidentally shot her!

GREAT NARU: sigh All right, but you've got to be careful with Tama from now on, Kaolla!

Kaolla tosses Tama into Great Naru's hands, and Great Naru hums as her antennae glow for a few seconds. She heals Tama back to 100 health.

TAMA: Myuh! ()

GREAT NARU: There you go!

KAOLLA: Doumo arigatou gozaimasu! ()

Kaolla walks off

Later, back at the lodge...

"WHADDAYA MEAN YOU'RE THE ONE THAT BROUGHT TAMA ALONG!" shouted Kaolla.

"Well, she is our Emergency Food Supply! ()" answered Mutsumi.

Just then, the Lodge Manager walked out into the lobby, and noticed a frightened Tama sitting on the desk.

"So, is this what you caught! Hmmm...It's been a while since I've cooked turtle..." Lodge Manager stripped off his sweater, revealing a "Kiss The Cook" apron. "...but I just so happen to know this great recipe for turtle soup!" The Lodge Manager picked up the trembling Tama.

Kaolla grabbed Tama from the Lodge Manager. "Gomen nasai, Mr. Lodge Manager, but Tama is our Emergency Food Supply! I just shot her by accident! We'll only eat her if we're absolutely desperate!"

"sigh All right..." said Lodge Manager as he walked away.

Kaolla sighed. "Oh, gods, I'm starving! It looks like the time to finally resort to eating Tama is drawing nigh!"

Mutsumi smiled, and held up a box. "Well...(Land)Lord Keitarazzo sent us this package! He said that it was for use in the most dire of situations! ()"

Kaolla snatched the box from Mutsumi's hands. "WOO-HOO! DOUMO ARIGATOU, (LAND)LORD KEITARAZZO-SAMA! YOU'VE SENT US o/ FOOD, GLORIOUS FOOD! o/"

Kaolla tore open the box, finding...a note!

"NANI!"

"ATTENTION, ALL TRAINEES!" came Hina Kabapu's voice over a loudspeaker. "YOU ARE TO CHANGE INTO YOUR NEW UNIFORMS IN THE LOCKER ROOM, AND MEET ME ON THE TRAINING GROUNDS!"

Iwatani jumped for joy! "YEEESSS! DIDJA HEAR THAT! WE'RE CHANGING IN THE LOCKER ROOM! ()"

"So! We're changing in a locker room! Big deal!" said Negi.

"WEREN'T YOU PAYING ATTENTION! HE SAID 'LOCKER ROOM'! ROOM, SINGULAR! THAT MEANS THAT WE'RE GONNA GET TO SEE MITSUNE MATSUYA NAKED! ()" exclaimed Iwatani.

Kitsune popped up behind Iwatani, dressed in a revealing blue spandex jumpsuit. "Well, I'm flattered that you want to see me naked, but you forgot to call me 'Kitsune'! ()"

(POW!)

Kitsune punched Iwatani into a soda machine, spraying precious Coca-Cola® all over the place! (OO)

Negi and Shiraiyoshi ogled Kitsune's body up and down. "What is that? Isn't that a little...ahem...revealing...?" chuckled Negi.

"Well, it's what we have to wear today! And besides, it really brings out my figure! Rowr! ()" purred Kitsune.

Iwatani bolted upright, with a can of Sierra Mist® stuck in his mouth. "NNNI! MMM NNT WRRNNG A RVLLNNG JMMPSUUT LKK DAAT! IT DZZNNT LLKK GGDD NN USS GYYYZZ!"

"I'm not too crazy about wearing that thing, either..." Shiraiyoshi "said."

"Dear Agents of HINATA,

I want you two to carry out a top secret mission for me. I want you to place these weird gadgets on top of that big mountain! I'm counting on you! Don't mess things up, like you usually do!

Sincerely,

(Land)Lord Keitarazzo"

As Kaolla and Mutsumi trekked up the mountain, Kaolla reflected on her rather unusual mission.

"I don't know what putting these weird gadgets on top of this big mountain has to do with finding resources, but we must obey any and all orders given to us by (Land)Lord Keitarazzo! Mutsumi-chan...?"

Kaolla turned around, only to find Mutsumi encased in a big block of ice, barely conscious.

"Help...meeee...!" came Mutsumi's voice from inside of the ice cube.

"AAAAAHH! MUTSUMI-CHAN! NOT AGAIN!" cried Kaolla as she hefted the giant ice cube that was Mutsumi over her shoulders, and began to heave it up the mountain. She carried it into a small cave in the mountain, and immediately built a small fire around Mutsumi.

"Daijoubu, Mutsumi-chan! I'll have you all nice and toasty in no time flat!" said Kaolla as she increased the size of the fire surrounding Mutsumi.

After waiting a little while, Kaolla noticed that the intense flame didn't seem to be melting Mutsumi's prison of ice much at all!

"I know! I'll help defrost you using sheer body heat! ()" Kaolla said as she stripped off her clothes, and glomped the Mutsumi Popsicle.

"Ooh, my puppies are all chilly...!"

(BOOM!)

IN PROCESS OF REVIVAL, PLEASE WAIT...

Liddo #466 is seen dancing around a cup of instant ramen.

In a mighty explosion, Mutsumi was totally defrosted and warm, yet Kaolla was naked and freezing.

"Doumo arigatou, Senior! ()" thanked Mutsumi, warming herself by the fire.

"Next time you pass out, please do it somewhere warmer...!" shivered Kaolla.

Back at the Mountain Training Base, Negi-tachi were all dressed in the tight, revealing spandex jumpsuits. They were standing outside in what Hina claimed was a "shooting range." Each of them was holding what could easily be recognized as plastic toy guns.

"Excuse me, but are these really authentic guns? They look like toy water pistols to me! ()" asked Kitsune.

"Hai, they are authentic guns!" answered Hina.

Kitsune looked at the targets posted on the mountains. "And are those actual targets? It feels like I'm in a carnival shootin' game! ()"

"Hai, they are actual targets!" growled Hina

Kitsune grinned. "If these are actual guns, let's see if they work...! ()" said Kitsune as she pointed the gun directly at Hina.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Kuro as she bolted away, hopping into her car and driving a good distance away. As soon as she was a safe distance away, Kitsune pulled out a pair of binoculars, and spotted Hina. She was spelling out a message with semaphore flags.

"D-O...N-O-T...P-O-I-N-T...T-H-O-S-E...G-U-N-S...A-T...M-E...T-H-E-Y...A-R-E...R-E-A-L...D-A-M-M-I-T!" read Kitsune. "Huh, I guess I'll take her word for it! ()"

All this time, Negi was muttering to himself, cursing how I put him in such a God-forsaken fanfic rather than just leave him in "Negima!".

"CAN YOU NOT HEAR ME NOW!" yelled Kaolla as she scaled the snowy mountain in the harsh snowstorm.

"Hai, I can, Senior!" answered Mutsumi, safe inside the warm cave.

Kaolla climbed even higher. "HOW ABOUT NOW! CAN YOU NOT HEAR ME NOW!"

"I still can hear you very well, Kaolla-sempai!" replied Mutsumi.

Kaolla climbed higher still. "HOW ABOUT NOW! PLEASE TELL ME THAT YOU CAN'T HEAR ME--"

Suddenly, the rope Kaolla was using to scale the mountain broke!

"--NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwww... ... ...!" doppled Kaolla's voice as she fell down the mountain.

Back at the nice, warm bar, Tama was enjoying a nice swim in a bowl of water, as the Lodge Manager sat enjoying a bottle of tequila and a shaker of salt. He was brandishing a gun in his hands, deep in thought.

"sigh This gun once belonged to my dear friend..." sighed Lodge Manager as he began to reminisce about his Army days...

"NOOOO! DON'T DO IT, ARMY MAN #4!" cried Lodge Manager as he tried to stop Army Man #4 from using his gun on himself.

"LOOK, IT'S MY GUN, AND I'LL DO WHATEVER THE HELL I PLEASE WITH IT, ANTONIO!" shouted back Army Man #4 as he put the gun in his mouth.

(BANG!)

As the stupid, starving Army Man #4 tried to eat his gun, it accidentally went off and killed him.

Lodge Manager Antonio sighed, and put the gun to his own head. But before he could pull the trigger, the door blasted open, and a familiar man with starfish-shaped hair entered.

"PUT DOWN THAT GUN!" exclaimed the man.

Lodge Manager Antonio dropped the gun, stood up and gasped. "Could it really be you! YAMI GOKU!"

Back up on the mountain, Kaolla had finally made it to the top! She planted a flag with the letter "H" (for HINATA, you hentais) on it on the very peak of the mountain.

"pant pant I've did it...pant wheeze I've made it to the top of the mountain on my 720th attempt! Meaning...pant pant I fell down the mountain 719 times...!" wheezed a very exhausted Kaolla.

"So, now that you've climbed a really huge mountain, what are you going to do now?" asked Kaolla, dressed like a member of the press.

"Oh...I don't know...Go to Disneyland, I guess..." answered Kaolla.

"Oooohh...Disneyland, ne?" said Kaolla, now dressed like a travel agent. "I've heard that food there is really expensive...And that weird governor that California has...I don't think you want to go there...!"

"Uggh...Whatever..." said Kaolla, back to normal. "And now...to plant the weird gadgets that (Land)Lord Keitarazzo said to plant up here, and activate them!"

"Good work, Agent Kaolla!" thanked (Land)Lord Keitarazzo, appearing in Kaolla's mind. "And now, the city of H shall receive a taste of the Master Blaster Spectral Release Phantasmatron(TM) developed by HINATA's most brilliant minds!"

Kaolla, with her immense technical prowess set up the Master Blaster Spectral Release Phantasmatron(TM) on top of the mountain in several seconds.

"All finished, Lord Keitarazzo! Power ON!" shouted Kaolla as she hit the Big Red Button(TM) on the Master Blaster Spectral Release Phantasmatron(TM). Kaolla began to imagine blasting H into unrecognizable char as her finger moved closer towards the Big Red Button(TM).

"Push the button, Kaolla," said Keitarazzo, in Kaolla's mind.

"HAI! That's it! Push the Big Red Button(TM)! Give the city a taste of the Master Blaster Spectral Release Phantasmatron(TM)'s power!" exclaimed Keitarazzo, "Then we'll have our work cut out for us!"

Back at the Mountain Training Base, Iwatani, Shiraiyoshi, and Kitsune were pondering over what their true purpose was carrying such crappy-looking firearms.

"Hmmm...I think the reason we're carrying these gay-looking guns is because City Officials are supposed to carry gay-looking guns," "suggested" Shiraiyoshi.

"Well, in that case..." Iwatani put his finger on the gun's trigger. "I'm going to fire this gun, thus showing the world that I'm a City Official who's not afraid to fire off a gun that looks like a child's toy!"

(ZAP!)

Iwatani fired his firearm in the direction...of the mountain that Kaolla happened to be on at that very moment!

(BOOOOOM!)

"OH, MY GODS! OH-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Kaolla as the mountain began to crumble, due to the awesome power contained in Iwatani's...LASER GUN!

As the gang at the M.T.B. saw the mountain start to fall apart, Iwatani was in total shock.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE THINGS! SPACE ALIEN DEATH RAY GUNS!"

"They're laser guns, dumbass! You know, like in all of those science fiction movies!" answered Hina. "Yessir, technology has finally caught up with fiction, and--" Hina then noticed the avalanche of snow and rock bearing down upon the base!

"--HOLLYWOODISLEADINGOURKIDSDOWNAMORALSEWERGOTTAGO!" Hina ran to her car, leapt in, and sped off.

"She seemed to be in an awful big rush," "said" Shiraiyoshi.

"Gee, I wonder why?" pondered Iwatani, before noticing that they were about to be consumed by a ferocious avalanche of snow!

"HOLY CRAP! AN AVALANCHE! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Iwatani, Shiraiyoshi, Negi, and Kitsune as they were swept away by freezing white death!

"Now, look here, Antonio! Suicide will not reunite you with your departed comrade!" said Yami Goku, counseling the bereaving Lodge Manager Antonio. "Now, the first step to recovering is to--" Yami Goku paused, as he swore he could hear the sound of a killer avalanche fast approaching the bar!

"What's the first step to recovering, Yami Goku?" asked the curious Lodge Manager Antonio, not hearing anything out of the norm.

"--TO RUN LIKE THE DICKENS!" screamed Yami Goku as the avalanche finally reached the bar, destroying it and sweeping Yami Goku and Lodge Manager Antonio away!

"YYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH...!" screamed Yami Goku and Antonio as they were carrying off by the avalanche at a great speed, taking Liddo #555 along for the ride.

When the avalanche finally let up, Kaolla poked her head out of the snow, along with Mutsumi and Tama.

"Woah," said Kaolla, "Whatta storm! Are you all right, Mutsumi-chan?"

"Hai, I'm fine," replied Mutsumi.

Kaolla grabbed a startled Tama out of the snow. "And I see that Tamago made it, too! ()"

Kaolla then looked around at the snowy, barren landscape. "Uh...Mutsumi-chan...?"

"Hai, Senior?" said Mutsumi.

"...Where the fudge are we!"

Back in the city, Pedroyasu Seta was moping over how miserable recent events had made him.

"Ohh...sob Seta spend two years in a strange and weird city, worrying about his sexy wife and beautiful daughter...sob...only for him to return home to find that both of them had been taken from him! Whatta world! Whatta world! sob"

As Seta sat at a table with a crystal ball and wearing a dark cloak, Kentarez happened to notice him as he was walking by. "Wait...Kentarez knows that voice...SETA!"

Back at Hinata-sou, an exhausted and bedraggled Negi-tachi were crawling home on all fours.

"pant pant I cannot believe we were fortunate enough to survive that...! pant pant" panted Negi.

"Truly a miracle..." "gasped" Shiraiyoshi.

Just then, they noticed a moving van in front of the apartment building, with Kitsune standing by it!

Crawling up to her, the three tired men began to beseech her. "gasp pant pant Mitsune Matsuya...!" wheezed Iwatani.

"For the love of Cheez Whiz, you gotta give us something to eat...!" "begged" Shiraiyoshi.

Kitsune smiled sexily at Iwatani. "Iwatani...! ()"

Kitsune pointed a water pistol at Iwatani and fired. The resulting laser blast blew Iwatani clean into the air, and destroying a good quarter of the city, not to mention Iwatani's jumpsuit!

"...What did I tell you about not callin' me 'Kitsune'...? ()"

Episode Six: The Cold is Winter! The Snowed-Under Episode

TODAY'S MISSION... ... ...FAILED

Cue Ending Theme, "Menchi's Bolero of Sorrow So You're Going to Eat Me"

Tama walks up to a microphone in the middle of a spotlight. She adjusts the mike, and starts to sing. As she sings, a woman (let's just say it's Nyamo from the Summer Special) appears in a bubble beside her, and translates Tama's singing. Occasionally during the song, a hand shakes salt down onto Tama.

Starring...

Kaolla Suu as Kaolla Kaolla (Parody of Excel Excel)

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

NYAMO: "I knew, ever since that day..."

Mutsumi Otohime as Mutsumi (Parody of Hyatt)

(TAMA: Myuuhh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuhhh...!)

NYAMO: "...the reason that you had approached me."

Keitaro Urashima as (Land)Lord Keitarazzo (Parody of Lord Ilpalazzo)

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

NYAMO: "Tender and soft..."

Noriyasu Seta as Pedroyasu Seta (Parody of Pedro)

Tama-chan as Tama (Parody of Menchi)

(TAMA: Myuuhh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuhhh...!)

NYAMO: "...that my body is to your tastes."

Negi Springfield as Negi Watanabe (Parody of Touru Watanabe)

Masayuki Haitani as Iwatani (Parody of Norikuni Iwata)

Kimiaki Shirai as Shiraiyoshi (Parody of Daimaru Sumiyoshi)

Mitsune "Kitsune" Konno as Mitsune "Kitsune" Matsuya (Parody of Misaki Matsuya)

(TAMA: Myuuuuhh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuhh...myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuhh...?)

NYAMO: "To your hunger-stricken eyes, how does my body seem?"

Grandma Hina as Hina Kabapu (Parody of Mr. Kabapu)

Kentaro Sakata as Kentarez (Parody of Gomez)

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

NYAMO: "If you are to eat me, do it in one blow..."

Yami Goku as himself (Parody of Nabeshin)

(TAMA: Myuh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuuhhh...)

NYAMO: "...so that the meat does not get hard."

As the song ends and the curtain closes, a hand grabs Tama off the stage.

A YAMI GOKU FQX PRODUCTION

KAOLLA: Deep within the heart of Tokyo, there is a hotel called the Il Palazzo, from which the name of the "Excel Saga" character Ilpalazzo is derived, thus meaning that "Keitarazzo" is derived from the name, as well! A lot of creepy things happen at that hotel from what I've heard, and I don't mean what happened with all of those Duel Monsters in Chapter 10 of Yami Goku's "Yu-Gi-Oh-Ji!" fanfic, because that happened in a different hotel, entirely! Anyway, speaking of creepy, the next episode of Quack Experimental Fusion Kaolla Saga is Episode Seven: "The Melody of the Underground Passage," in which a lot of spooooky stuff will happen! So, grab your blankie, and prepare to suck your thumb, next time on "Kaolla Saga"! ()

Yami Goku (who actually did go on vacation from May 19-21, 2004!): 


	7. The Melody of the Underground Passage

Greetings! Welcome to the seventh installment of Kaolla Saga!

N-Joy! ()

I don't own anything that doesn't belong to me. Instead, it belongs to whoever the heck may own it.

Creepy horror music plays in the background. A newspaper is thrown through a glass window, landing on the futon of a sleeping man. The man stirs, wakes up, and sees the paper.

MAN: Ohh, boy! The Evening Edition is here!

The man opens up the paper, and begins to read an article written by Ken Akamatsu...

KEN (V.O., ominous tone): "I, the sacri-licious Ken Akamatsu, do hereby give Yami Goku permission to turn his Kaolla Saga fanfic into a haunting, spine-tingling Horror fanfic!"

The man's eyes wander down to a message in bold red letters, also written by K. A.

KEN (ditto): "Please note: Anyone who reads this paper or reviews this fanfic will be presented with a cute little pet...! evil cackle"

MAN: Huh...?

The man looks up, only to find his house filled to the brim with ravenous, blood-thirsty, merciless...LIDDOS!

LIDDOS: Chupi! ()

MAN: OH, MY GOD! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH... ...!

Cue Opening Theme, "Love (Loyalty)."

A shot of Kaolla does a 360, then Kaolla falls into Keitarazzo's trap hole. Shortly before the title screen, she emerges with a squid on her head.

QUACK EXPERIMENTAL FUSION

K A O L L A S A G A

A Love Hina/Excel Saga Fusion FanFic by Yami Goku

Episode Seven: The Melody of the Underground Passage

Kaolla makes several funny faces at the screen.

Kaolla and Mutsumi are lip-syncing to the OT, which is actually being sung by the Excel Girls.

Sore wa ai ja nai... (cough cough) "That isn't love..."

Ai wa sore ja nai... (cough cough) "Love isn't that..."

The girls are singing on a sidewalk.

Aishite iru kedo ai sarete wa inai. "I am in love, but I am not loved."

Several shots that include Mutsumi looking at you, looking the other way, collapsing, and laying on a couch soused to the gills.

Kesshite ai ja nai... (cough cough) "Definitely isn't love..."

Ketsu wa ai ja nai... (cough cough) "Derriere isn't love..."

The girls are singing within the locker room of a men's public bath.

Aisaretai kedo motometari wa shinai. "I want to be loved, but I never seek it out."

Several shots of Tama in different poses, then when Tama sees Kaolla wielding a fork and knife, she acts terrified and withdraws into her shell.

Kono mi sasagete inochi nagedashi. "I offer myself, and throw my life away."

Mutsumi floating in the water.

Wakime mo furazu tada hitasura ni "Looking neither left nor right, I will just earnestly"

Kaolla tries to run off, but two hands restrain her.

Dameshite sukashite yokohairi "Cheat, wheedle, interfere,"

Negi attempting to "initiate a perpetual contract" with Mutsumi, but a giant tentacle snatches him away. Then, three Mutsumi heads appear on the screen, each one a little closer than the last.

Tanin wo fumitaoshi keri wo kamashite! "And trample down and kick strangers!"

Kaolla kicking Negi, Iwatani, and Shiraiyoshi clean into next week!

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) "And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"

Kaolla and Mutsumi running down a long road, with Tama flying along the path.

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) "And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"

(Land)Lord Keitarazzo joins the three. He trips on his cape as he runs, and falls down.

Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) "And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"

Kitsune is running across a bridge with a bunch of Liddos.

Tonzora koite...! "And we get the Hell out...!"

Yami Goku and Ken Akamatsu running from the Feds through a tunnel, then off into the sunset.

Banana no kawa de korondemo "Even if I slip on a banana peel,"

Kaolla hanging upside-down from a tree eating a banana, while Mutsumi has slipped on several of Kaolla's banana peels, and is now unconscious on the ground.

Sore wa subete ano kata no tame. "It's all for his sake, anyways."

A giant tiger-like monster that bears a resemblance to Byakko from "Yu Yu Hakusho" pops up in front of Kaolla and Mutsumi, and the two girls assume a fighting pose. Keitarazzo is watching from the background, cowering in fear.

Shiite iu nara sore wa kitto "If anything, that is probably"

Seta being dragged from his bed by The Great Naru of the Macrocosm.

Ai to iu na no chuuseishin! "A kind of loyalty called love!"

Kaolla and Mutsumi in (Land)Lord Keitarazzo's throne room, saluting him.

Words appear on the screen in blood

PRESENTING...

KAOLLA

We see Kaolla's and Mutsumi's legs walking down a long hallway.

KAOLLA: Wow, it's a good thing we ran into the Yeti out there in that barren wasteland, Mutsumi-chan!

"KAOLLA" is wiped away with more blood, a new name replacing it.

MUTSUMI

KAOLLA: And we made a lot of money selling his fur, and filled our stomachs with his meat!

MUTSUMI: What a nice guy!

"MUTSUMI" is wiped away with more blood, a new name replacing it.

KEITARAZZO

KAOLLA: Oh, Mr. Yeti tasted so good! I wish I could have Yeti every night!

MUTSUMI: He was yummy, wasn't he?

"KEITARAZZO" is wiped away with more blood, new words replacing it.

THE USUAL GANG OF BAKAS

The words melt away.

Kaolla and Mutsumi emerged from the mile-long hall leading into (Land)Lord Keitarazzo's "throne room" (actually the Landlord's Office).

"HAIL KEITAR--" they began, before noticing how hella-dark the room was.

"Hei! Waato gibuzu!" said Kaolla, speaking in English for some reason. "Where's Keitarazzo-sama? He's not where he usually is! Itsu sou daaku! Yami! Ankoku! Kurai!"

Suddenly, an evil, glowing specter with Keitarazzo's face appeared right where Keitarazzo's "throne" (cushion) was!

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHH!" screamed Kaolla, leaping into the air with fright, turning into stone!

At that moment, the lights came back on, revealing that the evil, glowing specter was actually just Keitarazzo holding a flashlight under his head. He noticed that the lights had come back on, and turned off his flashlight.

"Huh, how about that?" mused Keitarazzo, putting down the flashlight and looking around, his eyes stopping on Kaolla and Mutsumi. "I guess that you did pay the electric bill!"

"Hai, we did, Keitarazzo-sama!" said Mutsumi. "We sold a Yeti's fur, and made enough money to pay the electric company off! ()"

"You're quite playful today, Keitarazzo-sama!" exclaimed Kaolla, who was still a stone statue. "My heart felt a bit of a squeeze, too!"

The velvet purple rope appeared next to Keitarazzo. "Was that supposed to be funny? I couldn't tell! I hate jokes like that!" He pulled the rope, opening up the trap door.

"WWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAHHH...!" cried Kaolla as she plummeted towards the onsen below. Mutsumi pulled out an umbrella and opened it up, protecting her from the big splash of water just in time. A minute later, Kaolla emerged from the hole.

"Are you okay?" asked Mutsumi, looking down at a soaked Kaolla.

"Hai, Mutsumi-chan," answered Kaolla. "I see that you're well prepared for such a happenstance!"

Keitarazzo sighed. "Well, our last plan ended in failure as well, all thanks to you, Kaolla!" He pulled the rope again, sending Kaolla falling into the hot spring again. "And why did it fail? Tell me, Mutsumi-san!"

"Well...It appears that there's someone out there who's trying to stop us!" was Mutsumi's reply.

"Like who?" Keitarazzo asked.

"Umm..." as Mutsumi paused, trying to recall their names, the flash of red lights and the blare of loud klaxons filled the air.

"Oh-no! Intruders!" panicked Keitarazzo, standing up and looking for a hiding place. "We've never had intruders in HINATA before! Who could possibly want to infiltrate this place!"

Deep within the bowels of HINATA, Negi Watanabe and Masakuni Iwatani emerged from a sewer grating, and looked around.

"Eeew! It smells like ass down here!" complained Iwatani, "Shiraiyoshi's ass, that is!"

"I heard that!" "said" Kimimaru Shiraiyoshi, emerging from the duct, along with Mitsune "Kitsune" Matsuya.

"So, what was our mission again?" asked Iwatani.

"Well, there's apparently some sort of hidden secret base down here!" said Kitsune. "I guess that we're supposed to find it! ()"

"A hidden secret base in a dump like this!" laughed Iwatani, "We'll be done with this assignment quicker than you can say, 'Joel Robinson'!"

The quartet headed off into the murky, forgotten depths of HINATA...

"OFF LIMITS! DO NOT ENTER!" read a sign on an old wooden door that Kaolla and Mutsumi were standing in front of.

"'Oooofff...liiimmiiits...doooo...noooot...uhhhhhhh...errrmm...' ...Oh, who cares! It's probably not important, anyway!" said Kaolla, ripping the sign away. "Let's go in!"

Kaolla opened the door, and ran in, with Mutsumi walking into the room at a dignified pace. As the duo walked deeper into the room, they noticed that the wall were decorated with various medieval weaponry and implements of torture.

"WOW!" exclaimed Kaolla, "This must be a dungeon in which helpless victims are subjected to various methods of physical torture, just like Lord Itamiou subjects female victims to various methods of sexual torture in his dungeon in 'Yu-Gi-Oh-Ji'! I managed to escape from that dungeon with the loss of only my clothes, yet you were lucky enough to be won by a greasy Frenchman in a game of Duel Monsters before you even got to the dungeon, while only losing your skimpy bikini, Mutsumi-chan!"

"And I got to have hot, wet, self-serving sex with Keitarazzo--I mean--Keitaro! ()" added a smiling Mutsumi.

When the got to the farthest end of the room, they found a spiffy, high-tech computer panel!

"Ooh! Lookit this piece of advanced computer technology! Pretty!" marveled Kaolla, her and Mutsumi walking up to the big-ass computer thingy.

"Switch on! ()" Kaolla flicked the switch, booting up the "Winata MT" system. After taking fifteen minutes to boot up, the security program automatically loaded, displaying a graphic representation of HINATA's deepest basement. Four "X"s that represented people were seen moving through the hallway.

"AH-HA! We have intruders!" declared Kaolla, "We must stop them before they discover HINATA's secrets, and possibly secret plans! We need to stop them with a trap of sorts!"

"Uhh...Senior...?" said Mutsumi, looking at a wall full of various red buttons, with a sign reading "TRAPS!" above them.

Kaolla noticed the wall of red buttons, all of which had labels that had been worn away! "Uh-oh! Which button sets off which trap! I guess that we'll just have to select a button by means of random guess generation!"

"In other words...just pick one, and see what happens?" asked Mutsumi.

"That's right!" nodded Kaolla, already having made her selection. She leapt into the air, and violently stabbed a random button with her finger. "GO DIRECTLY TO DEATH! DO NOT PASS GO! DO NOT COLLECT $200!"

Down in the HINATA basement, a giant metal door appeared out of nowhere, blocking the path for the four intruders!

"Hey! What gives!" exclaimed Negi. "Where the Hell did that metal door come from!"

Shiraiyoshi walked up to it, and attempted to open it. When that failed, he tried using superhuman strength to bend a hole between the bars. "It's no use! I can't get it open!" he "said."

"I guess that going this way is out of the question!" sighed Iwatani, swinging around a huge-ass high-tech firearm. "That's quite all right with me! If we run into any trouble down here, this little baby will take care of them!"

"YAAAAHHH!" screamed Negi, "BE CAREFUL WITH THAT THING!"

"DON'T WAVE IT AROUND LIKE THAT!" "warned" Shiraiyoshi.

"Relax, guys! It's the Mark II!" assured Iwatani.

"Somehow, I still don't feel assured...!" "muttered" Shiraiyoshi.

Back up in the room with the high-tech computer consule, Kaolla was pleased at how the "trap" had forced the intruders into heading in the opposite direction!

"ALL RIGHT! They're trying to run away!" Kaolla cheered, "Mutsumi-chan, you push a button this time!"

"Okay! ()" Mutsumi smiled as she pressed a random button.

Suddenly, without any warning, a bunch of spears fell from the ceiling, falling all around Kaolla!

"YYAAAAAAHH!" Careful, Mutsumi-chan!" a shivering Kaolla said.

"Gomen. Let me try another one...!" Mutsumi pushed another button...

(SPLUT!)

A banana cream pie struck Kaolla right in the face!

"MMMMPH...! munch munch Ooooh, bananas! Yummy...!"

All the way over at City Hall, Granny Hina was sitting in her office, deep in thought. " Dammit, why is it that all us senior citizens have to stay behind, while the younger generations get to go on all sort of fun adventures? " She looked over at an extra version of the spandex jumpsuit that her servants had been assigned to wear on their journey into the bowels of the Earth. " I'll bet that I can still kick keyster! I'm going along with them! "

A short time later, a 27-year-old woman with short brown hair and an unlit cigarette in her mouth knocked on the door to Hina's office.

"Uh, Hina-san, I've got some papers here that need your--gyuuuugh...!" The woman's face went pale as she got an eyeful of an 80+ woman half-naked, changing into a spandex jumpsuit. She dropped her cigarette, and threw up all over her apron with the kanji for "hinata" on it.

Back in the sewer, Negi-tachi were wandering down a different path in the depths of HINATA, even though they were unaware that they were infiltrating a place called HINATA.

"That Granny Hina!" chuckled Iwatani, still brandishing the huge-ass high-tech firearm, "Always giving us these ridiculous orders! She must be getting senile in her old age!"

Just then, Kitsune stopped. "Hey, do you boys hear somethin'?"

The three boys stopped. "Iie, we did not, Kitsune. Why do you ask?" said Negi, getting a little worried.

Kitsune listened to the wall. "I could swear that I heard the sound of rushin' water! And do y'all feel the pressure droppin'?"

Negi closed his eyes, as did Iwatani and Shiraiyoshi. "Hmmm...Now that you mention it..."

Suddenly, a humongous rush of water struck the quartet, washing them deeper into the sewer!

"YYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH... ... ...!"

Back in the Mysterious Computer Room, Kaolla and Mutsumi realized that they had just activated a "flush-out" trap in their random button-pushing, which washed all intruders out of the basement.

"WHEEEEEEEE! TAKE THAT, YOU INTRUDERS! KAOLLA ONE, INTRUDERS ZIPPO! ()"

However, Mutsumi found out that there was no time for celebration. "Uh...Senior, this doesn't look right...!"

"Nani?" Kaolla looked at a monitor that Mutsumi was pointing at, which depicted a room full of little red triangles that represented something unidentified. "HEY! More intruders? Gosh-darn it!" She looked at the wall of buttons again. "Lesseeeeee...Which one should we--?"

Suddenly, the ceiling exploded in a downpour of water, washing Kaolla and Mutsumi through the floor, and into a gushing abyss of spinning water.

"What is this? I didn't know that there was a huge potty underneath the apartments! ()" Kaolla laughed as she spun around and around playfully.

"I feel like diarrhea..." groaned Mutsumi, feeling nauseous.

A calm Keitarazzo climbed out from underneath the kotatsu. "pant pant I think things have calmed down for now...!"

Elsewhere in the HINATA basement, Shiraiyoshi woke up, noticing that the huge rush of water had subsided, and that he was all alone.

"Hey, where'd everybody go?" Shiraiyoshi looked around, not finding another soul within visual distance, "We must've gotten separated when that huge-ass tidal wave caused us to wipe out!"

Shiraiyoshi stood up, and tried to find his way back to the others...

"CHUPI! ()"

From out of nowhere, the adorable yellow Liddo #665 "ambushed" Shiraiyoshi! The stout blonde man was unable to resist its most deadly power--cuteness!

"Kawaii!" Shiraiyoshi couldn't help but clap his hands together and "coo" happily.

"Chupi chupi chupi chupi chupi chupi..." The Liddo trotted à la Hamtaro further into the sewer, where it met up with an even more terrifying (and by "terrifying," I mean "saccharine and sugary-sweet") Liddo, Liddo #666! This new Liddo was the most charming ever, with fur pinker than an average episode of "Revolutionary Girl Utena," huge kitty ears, blue eyes as big as a Jigglypuff's, and a pretty little dolly dress! You could just eat it up!

"CHUPIIIIIII! PII PII PII PIIIIIIIIIII! CHU CHU CHUUUUUPIIIIII! (oo)"

"SUPER-KAWAII!" Shiraiyoshi sprinted straight for the super-Liddo, only to find himself sprinting straight into the mouth of Liddo #666's true form--An ugly, drooling slime monster with a gaping mouth and lotsa sick tentacles...

"HOLY SHIT! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHH... ...!"

Elsewhere in what they assumed was the sewer, Iwatani was just waking up, noticing that Kitsune was lying unconscious just a few feet away from him!

"Ooh hoo hoo! Kitsune's out cold!" cackled Iwatani lecherously, "It's time for a little 'mouth-to-mouth resuscitation'! ()"

But just as Iwatani was leaning towards the defenseless Kitsune's face with puckered lips, the buxom blonde awoke, and smiled at Iwatani. "Oooh! Iwatani's a naughty little boy! ()"

(POW!)

Iwatani was punched back several feet, a puppy-dog-like look of rejection forming on his face. "sob My dream...My summer is over...and some other metaphorical crap from those romantic Animes... "

"There's no time for that! We've got to find the others! They must've been washed away by that wave, too!" Kitsune started to trek down the sewer, with Iwatani following along still in a mopey mood.

"Uggh...where am I...?"

Negi slowly opened up his eyes, finding out that he was still in the "sewer." There was someone lying unconscious beside him, but it wasn't Iwatani, Shiraiyoshi, or Kitsune. It was...

"AAAAHH! OTOHIME-SAN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!" Negi cradled Mutsumi in his arms, taking in the sweet aroma of flowers, and the grand sight of her bosom. "This has got to be a dream! I am dreaming! I am dreaming!" Negi's eyes wandered down to Mutsumi's pretty pink lips. "Well, if this is indeed a dream, I might as well make the best of it...!"

Lowering his puckered lips towards Mutsumi's lips, Negi stole a sweet, tender kiss from... ...Liddo #708!

"EEEEEEWW! BLIMEY!"

The Liddo made a sick, ugly face. "GODDAMMIT! THAT'S GROSS! AAAAAAAARRRRGH!"

As Negi was trying to wipe the taste of the Liddo's lips off of his own lips, an ugly, drooling slime monster with a gaping mouth and lotsa sick tentacles "assaulted" him...

Far away, in the mountainous landscape, at the Kentarez residence...

"Honey! I'm home!" shouted Kentarez, upon returning from his journey to H.

"Kentarez-sweetie! You've returned!" exclaimed Kentarez's sexy wife, running up to her husband and hugging him tightly.

"Honey, I've brought home a friend of mine for dinner!" Kentarez gestured towards the doorway, where a woman dressed in shamanic clothing was standing. "She said she's a channeler, a person that can serve as host bodies for the ghosts of the deceased!"

The channeler stepped into the house, with a smug smile on her face. She began to speak in a familiar voice...

"Hey, honey! I'm home! It's your love-bug...Pedroyasu Seta!"

"NAAAAAAAANIIIIII! SHOCK!" cried Kentarez's sexy wife.

HEPPOKO

JIKKEN

FYUUJON

K A O R A

S A A G A

(KENTAREZ'S SEXY WIFE: THIS DOESN'T MAKE AN OUNCELOAD OF SENSE! SHOCK! SHOCK! A THOUSAND TIMES, SHOOOOOOOOCK!)

"Shock shock shock shock shock shock shock shock shock shock...!" Kentarez's sexy wife entered a semi-catatonic state as Seta-Channeler smiled.

"'Shock'? Oh, come on, dear! It's me, Seta! Your husband! I've possessed the body of a channeler, as so I could come and see you!" said Seta-Channeler.

Kentarez's sexy wife was very skeptical. "You're not Seta! That jerk's pushing up daisies! Besides, my heart belongs to Kentarez now!"

Seta-Channeler was shocked. "DOUBLE SHOCK! TWIN WATERFALLS ARE POURING FROM MY EYES!"

Kentarez smiled at his unhappy wife. "Honey...do it."

His sexy wife nodded. "Hai! AKURYOU TAISAN! PUNCH OF DIVINE REFORMATION!"

"NO!" cried Seta-Channeler, "NOT THE PUNCH OF DIVINE REFORMATION!"

(POW!)

As Seta-Channeler was propelled into LEO, he lamented greatly on his failure. "I've lost my physical body...I've lost the love of my sexy wife! God, could I be feeling any more forsaken? From the bottom of my heart...from the top of my lungs...to the Heavens above...towards the Earth below...with all of my might...I shout! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Back beneath HINATA, Kaolla was wandering around after being separated from Mutsumi by the weird-ass water-suction. "I've gotten separated from Mutsumi-chan, and I have no idea where I am! Who decided to connect HINATA's basement to the sewer, anyway?"

Sensing something moving behind her, Kaolla turned around, finding herself facing an entire army of kawaii Liddo!

"Oh, it's just a buncha cute Liddos!" said Kaolla, continuing on her way, "They probably won't affect the plot of this fanfic too much, but they sure are creepy!"

Kaolla walked for a couple more minutes, with the Liddo army following close behind her. "Why are they still following me?" She started to run, with the Liddos running, as well. "Oh, these kawaii Liddos are still following me! Engaging super-acceleration mode!" She started to run even faster, but the Liddos still ran just as fast after her. "Oh, poop! Engaging ludicrous speed!" Kaolla really kicked it into high gear, but alas, the Liddo ran just as fast! It seemed that she just couldn't shake them...until she ran straight off a ledge.

"Hey, where's the ground?" quipped Kaolla, just before plummeting deeper into the depths of what she once thought was HINATA's basement.

"WHY AREN'T YOU LAUGHING?" shouted Kaolla, falling quickly, "SOMETHING FUNNY IS HAPPENING TO A WEIRD ETHNIC PERSON...!"

"Hey, Mitsune!" said Iwatani, as he and Kitsune continued to journey through the dark sewer.

"Kitsune! ()" corrected Kitsune.

Iwatani smiled. "Whatever. You know, in cheesy horror movies like this, couples like us usually get attacked and devoured alive by hideous, rubbery monsters!"

(POW! POW! KA-POW!)

Kitsune playfully clobbered Iwatani several times, leaving him playfully beaten on the ground. "Oh, you're not my type of man! We'd make a crappy couple! ()"

Iwatani laid on the ground, in a daze, when suddenly he found himself covered from head to toe with horrible LIDDOS!

"OH, MY GOD! AAAAAAAHH! AAAAAHH! THEY'RE SO RAVENOUS! AND THEY'RE SO KAWAII, TOO! ITAAAAIII! LEGGO OF THAT! YAAAAAAAAAHHH!" screamed Iwatani, the Liddo crawling all over him, biting him in various locations, "AWWWW, SO FREAKIN' KAWAII! I WANNA EAT THEM UP, BUT THEY'RE EATING ME UP! YYAAAAAAAAGGHH! OHMIGOD! OHMIGOD! OHMIGOD! SOCUTE! SOCUTE! SOCUTE! GETEMOFF! GETEMOFF! GETEMOFF! HELP HELP HELP HEEEELLLP!"

(WHAMMO!)

Kitsune clobbered Liddo #890 with a mace she had found floating in the water, along with various other various medieval weaponry and implements of torture.

"I coulda been da' contenda'...!" groaned the Liddo, making an ugly face, then exploding in a flurry of stuffing. The other Liddo were frightened by the human woman's sly, squinty expression, so they fled.

"pant pant Doumo arigatou gozaimasu, Mitsune Matsuya!" thanked Iwatani, rising to his feet.

(POW!)

"That's 'Kitsune'! ()" said Kitsune.

"FREEEEEEEEE FAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLIIIIIIIIINNNGGG! WHOOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... ...!" gleefully squealed Kaolla sliding down a long chute. Upon reaching the bottom, she finished up with a soumersault and a cartwheel, landing gracefully on her feet! Let's look at the scores: 10.0, 10.0, 10.0, 10.0, and...0.0?

"Baka Chinese judge!" cursed Kaolla, before hearing the weak voice of a familiar woman...

"Kao...lla...-sem...pai...?"

"Who said that!" Kaolla zipped her head around, until she saw...

"gasp MUTSUMI-CHAN!"

...stuck in a giant blob of white stuff, which was being emitted by a giant bug-thing!

"What happened to you, Mutsumi-chan! Elephant mucus? Twinkie filling? Horny Otaku?" exclaimed Kaolla, "Whatever that goopy stuff is, I'll get you out of it! KAOLLA KANNON!"

Kaolla whipped out a bazooka, and fired at the bug-thing. No effect!

"KAOLLA KRASHER!"

The gaijin whipped out a huge-ass ray gun, and blasted the bug-thing with a thick laser! Still no effect!

"KAOLLA KOLOSSAL KABOOM KICK!"

Kaolla attacked the bug-thing physically with her foot. STILL no effect!

"Hmm, that didn't work, either! I--" Kaolla stood up, sensing the presence of more Liddos. She looked behind her, which confirmed it.

"Chupi...chupi...chupi chupi chupi..."

"Uh-ohhhhh...!"

Negi partially awoke. "Ahwahwah...Otohime-san's knockers...aahh...NANI?" The British boy awoke fully and realized his sticky predicament when he heard the "sound" of a man's "voice"...

"Wake up, Negi-san..."

Negi looked to his right, finding an older man also stuck to the wall by white stuff. He was very handsome, with long, blonde, wavy hair flowing down to his shoulders. His facial structure was tall and masculine. His eyes were a piercing brown, peeking out above his John Lennon glasses. His body was very tall and rugged.

"Who are you?" asked a confused Negi.

"I am Shiraiyoshi," "answered" the bishounen, in a very noble-sounding voice.

"NANI!" cried the quite-skeptical Negi, "You cannot be Shiraiyoshi! Shiraiyoshi was ugly, short, and talked like a boorish Japanese teenager! You are bloody handsome and charming!"

"But I am Shiraiyoshi, my good chap!" "insisted" Shiraiyoshi.

Negi struggled against his slimy bonds for a couple of seconds. "If you are indeed Shiraiyoshi, then what happened?"

Shiraiyoshi looked over at a group of Liddos, and blushed. "...I was...'overpowered'...by their cuteness..."

"Cuteness...? 'Overpowered'? Ewwwwww! (\/)" Negi looked over at the Liddos, but instead saw a gigantic pink insect creature with a bulging, throbbing thorax! Perched on top of the insect creature, infused with it, was Liddo #666--The Liddo Queen! As Negi watched, the Liddo Insect Queen's throbbing thorax spat out a kawaii yellow creature--Liddo #1,100! The newborn Liddo was all covered in gross green slime, his red eyes clenched shut. About a minute later, Liddo #1,100 let out a high-pitched screech, and barfed up a load of chunky green slime, which was mixed with several other nauseating colors. #1,100 rose to his feet, and opened his eyes. With a "Chupi!", it waddled over to where several other Liddos were holding up a garden hose. The other Liddos hosed all of the slime off its body, fluffed him dry with a blow-dryer, and #1,100 walked away with full dignity.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh... ..." began Negi, both disgusted and weirded out.

Just then, a Liddo walked by Negi and Shiraiyoshi; a really stout, ugly one that resembled the latter.

"Chupi!" "greeted" Shiraiyoshi-Liddo, before walking away.

"... ...kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy... ...!" finished Negi, dying for an explaination. "Okay, what the Devil is going on, here!"

Shiraiyoshi then explained in an erudite fashion about how the Liddos were an extraterrestrial race of cat-like stuffed animals from a far-away galaxy, and that they were invading Earth in order to furnish it for their exploding population--that is to say, a lot of Liddos had a nasty habit of suddenly making ugly faces and exploding in flurries of stuffing for no clear reason. As Shiraiyoshi spoke, the air around him filled with various kanji, katakana, and hiragana.

"OKAY! OKAY! I GET IT! I GET IT! IT IS FRIGGING COMPLICATED!" shouted Negi, being blinded by the assorted Japanese characters spewing from Shiraiyoshi. "So, how do we get free of this gunk? I do not have any spells that can free us!"

Just then, a laser blast from out of nowhere struck Liddo #1,099, causing it to make an ugly face and explode in a flurry of stuffing. Several more Liddos were blasted, causing them to make ugly faces and explode in flurries of stuffing!

"CHUPIIIII!" A small army of Liddos charged towards the direction of the laser blasts, eight by five. This was a big mistake, for this allowed a teenage boy wielding a Mark II Death Ray Blaster to shoot them all down like Space Invaders, causing them all to make ugly faces and explode in flurries of stuffing. Negi didn't need to be psychic--he was a Magister, after all--he knew who it was...

"IWATANI!"

Out from the darkness of the HINATA basement emerged Iwatani, Death Ray Blaster ablaze. Kitsune was alongside him, clobbering nearby Liddos with a mace.

"THAT'S ME! MASAKUNI IWATANI, PLUSHIE SLAYER! ROARRR! EAT HIGHLY EXPERIMENTAL, POSSIBLY-DANGEROUS, LASER WEAPON TECHNOLOGY, YOU YELLOW PUFFBALLS! HA HA HA!" laughed Iwatani, mowing down Liddo after Liddo after Liddo with his Death Ray Blaster. Each of the defeated Liddos let out moans of pain as their faces contorted into ugly expressions of defeat and anger, only seconds before their fragile bodies succummed to their injuries, self-destructing in white flurries of what could be called "stuffing." The surrounding air became so filled with stuffing, it became very difficult to see, nor breathe without getting a mouthful of Liddo guts. The drifting stuffing also seemed to wreak havoc with Negi's allergies...

"Ah...ahh...ahhh...AHHHHHH...CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!"

The resulting magical sneeze caused the white gunk restraining Negi and Shiraiyoshi to dissolve, also blowing away all the Liddos, as well as Iwatani and Kitsune's jumpsuits!

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHH!" screamed Iwatani, staring down at his sudden nakedness.

"Damn, Iwatani! What a small--eep!" Kitsune looked down at her own naked body, her huge gazungas exposed to the air. Both her and Iwatani hid their personal parts as they looked around at the aftermath of Negi's sneeze. All of the Liddos had been blown against the wall, squishing them and filling the room with even more stuffing. Even the Liddo Insect Queen had been splattered against the wall, wallpapering it with both bug juice and hundreds of writhing Liddo.

"Hey! All of the weird plushie things are dead!" exclaimed Iwatani, "Negi, you killed all of the plushies! You are magical!"

"Iie, there's still one left!" Negi pointed at the last surviving Liddo, which happened to be Shiraiyoshi-Liddo!

Shiraiyoshi and Shiraiyoshi-Liddo confronted each other.

"Chupi! Chupi!" "greeted" Shiraiyoshi-Liddo, "Chupi?"

"... ... ..." Shiraiyoshi froze. "I...I cannot do this! I cannot destroy such a pitiful mockery of my former self!"

"Then let me do the honors!" Negi ran up to Shiraiyoshi-Liddo, and beat it into the ground with his staff, eventually pounding it into a snowpile of stuffing.

(BOOMF!)

Almost instantly, Shiraiyoshi returned to his normal, stout, ugly teenage self. "Aw, dude! Weak! Bummer, man! Totally weak...!"

"Hey, why didn't you just use one of your spells to crush him?" asked Iwatani, hiding his favorite area.

Negi smiled at Iwatani. "Hey, Latin is hard."

Just as the team was basking in the aftermath, a giant bug-thing came charging towards them from out of nowhere, with a foreigner girl and a Chupiterian girl stuck to its head by more white gunk!

"C'mon! Don't pass out, Mutsumi-chan! Just hang on a little white longer! We'll get out of the basement sooner or later! ()" Kaolla tried to shake a barely-alive Mutsumi in order to keep her conscious, but her hand just kept on getting stuck in the white gunk.

"HOLY CRAP!" exclaimed Negi-tachi, as the giant bug-thing came charging down upon them at a tremendous speed, as if it were a bull attempting to shake loose an inexperienced cowpoke in a rodeo!

(beep!)

Someone pushed another red mystery button...

Suddenly, another gigantic wave of water washed through the area that the characters were in, washing them all away and clean out of Hinata-sou, via the H sewer systems! All over the city, manholes and fire hydrants exploded, creating a humongous flood in no time flat!

"WATER WATER WATER WATERRRRRRRRRRRR!" shouted Negi-tachi as they were propelled into LEO by the mother of all geysers!

"H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O! H²O! ()" gleefully exclaimed Kaolla, as she and Mutsumi were also rocketed sky-high.

Back up in the room with the high-tech computer consule, Yami Goku stood before the "TRAPS!" wall.

"Hey, look: I had to do something to wrap this episode up! I have other fics I need to work on, you know! For example: 'Yu-Gi-Oh-Ji!'; 'An Experimental Lemon/Woman's Best Friend'; 'Yusuke's Birthday'; 'The First Duel Masters Lemon'; 'Yugi Meets the Saber Dolls: The Lemon'; and--Uh-ohhhblblbblblblblbblbb...!"

The water became too high, and washed Yami Goku clean out of HINATA.

Up on the flooded surface, the entire city of H was underwater, while Negi, Shiraiyoshi, and Kitsune had pulled themselves to safety on top of a building. Kitsune was still naked, cradling her legs as she stared at the setting sun.

"Hey, I am sorry about your jumpsuit, Kitsune-san," apologized Negi, averting his eyes.

"S'kay. ()" forgave Kitsune, blushing.

Just then, there was a bubbling in the water!  
"Uh-oh! More plushies!" Negi stood up, pointing his staff at the water. "Rastel Mask--"

"HEY! MITSUNE MATSUYA!" Iwatani made a big splash as he emerged from the flood, greeting Kitsune with a big smile.

"Call me 'Kitsune'! ()" Kitsune attempted to blast Iwatani with the Mark II Death Ray Blaster, but all she got were a few lame sputters that indicated a low battery.

(WHONK!)

So instead, she threw it at Iwatani, beaning him in the head and making him sink.

"We're a crappy couple, 'cuz he just can't get my nickname right! ()"

Back in the flooded "Throne Room," (Land)Lord Keitarazzo sat on a crude raft fashioned out of his kotatsu, while Kaolla and Mutsumi sat on the back of a big Lapras-shaped pool toy.

"Doumo arigatou, Kaolla...Mutsumi...!" thanked Keitarazzo, "You've gotten rid of the intruders. Now, if you could please get rid of all this water...!"

Directly beneath our "heroes," the stitched-up Liddo #666 drifted through the water, her blue eyes glowing red, awaiting her next strike...

"Chupi-hee-hee-hee-heeeeee... ...!"

Episode Seven: The Melody of the Underground Passage

TODAY'S EXPERIMENT... ... ...FAILED

The words are wiped away with blood.

Cue Ending Theme, "Menchi's Bolero of Sorrow So You're Going to Eat Me"

Tama walks up to a microphone in the middle of a spotlight. She adjusts the mike, and starts to sing. As she sings, a woman (let's just say it's Nyamo from the Summer Special) appears in a bubble beside her, and translates Tama's singing. Occasionally during the song, a hand shakes salt down onto Tama.

Starring...

Kaolla Suu as Kaolla Kaolla (Parody of Excel Excel)

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

NYAMO: "I knew, ever since that day..."

Mutsumi Otohime as Mutsumi (Parody of Hyatt)

(TAMA: Myuuhh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuhhh...!)

NYAMO: "...the reason that you had approached me."

Keitaro Urashima as (Land)Lord Keitarazzo (Parody of Lord Ilpalazzo)

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

NYAMO: "Tender and soft..."

Noriyasu Seta as Pedroyasu Seta (Parody of Pedro)

Tama-chan as Tama (Parody of Menchi)

(TAMA: Myuuhh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuhhh...!)

NYAMO: "...that my body is to your tastes."

Negi Springfield as Negi Watanabe (Parody of Touru Watanabe)

Masayuki Haitani as Masakuni Iwatani (Parody of Norikuni Iwata)

Kimiaki Shirai as Kimimaru Shiraiyoshi (Parody of Daimaru Sumiyoshi)

Mitsune "Kitsune" Konno as Mitsune "Kitsune" Matsuya (Parody of Misaki Matsuya)

(TAMA: Myuuuuhh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuhh...myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuhh...?)

NYAMO: "To your hunger-stricken eyes, how does my body seem?"

Grandma Hina as Hina Kabapu (Parody of Kabapu)

Kentaro Sakata as Kentarez (Parody of Gomez)

(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)

NYAMO: "If you are to eat me, do it in one blow..."

Yami Goku as himself (Parody of Nabeshin)

Haruka Urashima as Haruka Momoji (Parody of Momoji)

(TAMA: Myuh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuuhhh...)

NYAMO: "...so that the meat does not get hard."

As the song ends and the curtain closes, a hand grabs Tama off the stage.

A YAMI GOKU FQX PRODUCTION

KAOLLA: Cars! Guns! Fighting! Explosions! Boobs! Men love that kind of stuff for entertainment! Especially the last one! Yami Goku has always loved fanservice and pretty girls in Anime, and what better way for him to express it than to write an episode with nothing but fanservice and pretty Anime girls! In fact, he's thinking about getting rid of all the pesky male characters for just one episode, leaving nothing but fanservice and pretty Anime girls! Our next episode will be called "The 'Increase Hits' Episode"! And as Y.G. likes to say at the beginning of most of his fics, "Enjoy!" ()

Yami Goku: 


End file.
